A Nickel for the Swear Jar

Blogging a Novel: Part Two

2009-09-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

OK, here's chapter one of Lique. I usually like to write longer chapters, but I really want to get something posted and get the momentum going. Remember, you can search the "Lique" post tag to see all previous installments, which at this point consists only of the Epilogue.

CHAPTER ONE

“You know what I love about Planet of the Apes? I mean, besides the ending, duh.”
This threw off the reporter from Intrusion magazine, who hadn’t really expected this tangent. “I don’t know, the apes?”
“The apes! Hell to the yeah, right? They really make you think. Like, they’re not really that different from us. They wear clothes and ride horses and everything. And how weird is it for an ape to ride a horse? That’s like a lobster milking a cow.” Barry Lique chuckled to himself at the visual. “Claws and teats – that’s a bad combination.”
Fitzpatrick Darabont cleared his throat and attempted to get the interview back on track. “Indeed. I hate to change the subject, but I have to ask: what exactly are you doing with that… box?”
“Oh, yeah. This is my pressure box – I spend two hours every day in the pressure box. For training.” The pressure box was aptly named – it was a glass box, approximately a foot on each side, that simulated pressure equal to three times Earth’s gravity. Every day, Barry stuck his hands into the box and practiced the basic gestures of Rock-Paper-Scissors. “See, when I work in here, my hands adjust to higher pressure. That makes my tendons more powerful, so I can spring into action like a cheetah. It’s like how Buzz Aldrin was really good at basketball when he came back from the moon.”
Darabont chose not to contest that fact about one of America’s space heroes. “That’s amazing.”
“Yeah, after a session in here, my fingers are like coiled… coils. Really powerful. One time, right after I got out of the box, I flipped a coin. You know, deciding what to have for lunch. Flipped that quarter right up into the ceiling – drove it in about a half inch.” He nodded over his right shoulder, and Darabont could see that there was indeed a quarter embedded in the ceiling. He let out a low, appreciative whistle.
“Now, I’ve seen a lot of people coming though here, and it looks like they’re installing cameras throughout the house. Is that for security? Are you worried about your safety?”
“Those guys? Oh, no. They’re getting everything set up for the show.”
“The show?”
“Sorry – I’m doing a reality show with E!. Or ESPN. Definitely somebody who starts with an E. They’re going to follow me around and film me. Like the Kardashians, I guess. Should be pretty cool.”
“That strikes me as an interesting idea. We’ve never really seen a show that follows an athlete at the peak of his powers. Can’t wait to see it.” Fitzpatrick Darabont could no longer tell when he was being sincere. He was fairly certain it was either “always” or “never”, though. “Aren’t you concerned about your loss of privacy, though? Of exposing your hidden depths to the viewing public?”
“Ah, you know, I don’t have anything that I’m ashamed of. Open book, right here.” There was a short buzzing noise. “Oh, that’s it for the pressure box. Hold on to your glasses – sometimes there’s kind of a vacuum when it opens.”
Darabont dutifully held his glasses to his nose with one finger as Barry stepped on a pedal to open the box. Sure enough, Darabont felt a pull, and if he hadn’t been gripping his pen so tightly, it would have flown across the table. Barry raised his hands over his head.
“Have to do this for a minute or two. If I try to hold anything too soon, I’ll probably damage it with my grip. Crushed a remote control once.” Barry’s butler approached and rubbed down his hands with a wet towel. “This is my butler, Alfred.”
“Your butler’s name is Alfred? What are the odds?”
“Well, that’s not his real name. But who’s the best butler ever? Bruce Wayne’s butler, Alfred. And I don’t want a second rate butler – I found this guy who looked exactly like Alfred, and we changed his name. Awesome, right? Funny thing is, he’s not even a butler by trade!”
“I’m a CPA, actually.”
“Alfred, we talked about this…”
Chastened, Alfred answered again, this time with a British accent. “I’m a CPA, actually. Guv’nor.”
“You know, Barry, I’ve interviewed a lot of celebrities, and I think Alfred is the first actual butler I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah, I guess I always thought that all rich people had butlers.” Barry lowered his hands and flexed tentatively. “But I guess it’s just me and what’s-his-name. Diddypuff. But they’re so handy! If people knew how great butlers were, they’d be way more popular. Maybe my show will help with that. Get little kids into the field of butlering.”
Alfred sighed heavily. “Indeed.”
“Well, Barry, it has been an absolute pleasure. Unfortunately, I need to leave if I’m going to make my flight. If it’s all right, I might need to call you later with some follow-up questions.”
“No problem, man. Sorry I can’t shake your hand, but my tendons are still really tight.”
“Oh, I understand. Good luck with the show.”

* * *

As he scanned the overnight ratings, Phil Stump tried to remember the last time he’d had a solid bowel movement. Three, four years, probably. Had Phil known at the time what a momentous occasion he was experiencing, he would have marked it somehow. Perhaps with a handful of confetti. But Phil couldn’t have anticipated the stress that would soon come to define his life.
“Seventeenth in 18 to 34? You’re shitting me, right? Is there even a seventeenth place?” He used to worry about his mental state when he talked to himself like this, but the eternal question of whether or not he’d gone insane continued to slide down his list of priorities. On this particular morning, his sanity was approximately one thousand times less important than the viewing public’s steadily decreasing disinterest in whether the surviving Fat Boys would be able to find themselves some nice girls with whom to settle down. Last season, Crushin’ was a major hit, pulling network numbers for the season finale. This year, he was consistently losing to not one, but two, Spanish language stations. As the executive producer, Phil spent most of his waking hours worrying about this.
Of course, this worry overlapped with his worries over the eleven other shows that House of Stump Productions oversaw. While celebrity reality (or “celebreality”, a term Phil Stump claims to have invented) was a notoriously low-cost way to fill programming space, it was an increasingly crowded market. Unlike scripted TV, there was no chance of getting time to build an audience. One-season wonders littered the landscape, and every time a show flamed out, Phil Stump had to scramble for another concept. If he didn’t step in to fill that slot, somebody else would. It was absolutely brutal out there, with so many fly-by-night production companies fighting to line up the most watchable celebrities at all levels.
His MTV reality competition show, The Next Girl I Kissed, in which young women competed for the chance to kiss Katy Perry failed after only two episodes. “Get this, they actually replaced it with videos. On MTV!” Phil was heard to say after the speedy cancellation. He’d managed to get some traction with the VH1 hit Shannon Doherty: Party Planner, but his star had quit at the end of the first season, tired of spending every episode planning a stranger’s special event. The second season had consisted entirely of re-edited unused footage, but people were starting to notice. At this point, his only solid success was The Same Name Challenge, in which two teams of same-named celebrities competed in bizarre challenges. The second season finale, which pitted Bills Pullman, Paxton, Bradley, and Nye managed to eat a collective seventeen more pounds of squid than Team Tom (Green, Watson, Clancy, and Daschle) brought in monster ratings, but the researchers were starting to run out of first names. There was talk of switching the format to famous people with the same last name, but Phil worried that would lead to casting people who were actually related, which he felt threw off the gimmick.
It was a stressful existence, but Phil saw one bright spot on the horizon. Barry Lique was at the top of his game – usually he had to catch people on the way down, banking on the viewing public’s sense of irony. Barry, though, was on the rise and Phil had somehow managed to contract him. It was the first bidding war for one of his projects in years, and Phil Stump felt a rare glimmer of hope. Hell, if that Olympic talk continued, he would be right there in the middle of it, catching lightning in a bottle. Whenever he thought about Lique It (title tentative), Phil Stump allowed himself to smile. It felt good. Weird, but good.

Phil Stump had no way of knowing how short-lived this feeling would be. Even with his innate pessimism, he would have overestimated if asked.

Blogging a Novel, Part One

2009-08-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

I had intended to start with a much bigger chunk of book, but I'm so excited about this that I want to show something right away. And so, I present Lique.

PROLOGUE

“Rock. Paper. Scissors. Mere words? Perhaps. Separately, they describe potentially useful items, depending on what it is that you’re trying to accomplish exactly. But together, they are a national obsession. Formerly, this sport of gentlemen was confined to schoolyards and seedy back alleys. In fact, as recently as 2002, the Bloomington-Normal Cup, the national championship of Rock-Paper-Scissors, was actually broadcast on UPN. Imagine that. UPN.
“And then, in 2003, everything changed forever. Rock-Paper-Scissors, or RPS as it’s known to its devotees, escaped from its Pandora’s Box, and much like the evils that escaped from the literal Pandora’s Box, greed, hatred, violence, sex crimes, there was no putting it back. And the modern-day Pandora, destiny’s unwilling patsy, was none other than Scott Ponzi.
“Like all great American heroes, with the exceptions of Batman and William Randolph Hearst, Ponzi came from humble, some might say hardscrabble, origins. Born to a fishwife, spawned from the loins of a man he never knew, Ponzi spent his childhood in abject poverty. The target of frequent beatings as a young man, Scott did not turn to drugs or hardcore fantasy role-playing as so many others did.
“Instead, Scott turned to America’s secret shame, Rock-Paper-Scissors. It’s unknown where he first played the game, whether it was in the comfort of his own home with the shades drawn or in the parking lot of a massage parlor. Definitely one of those two places, though. Regardless, the game touched something within him. And with nothing left, Scott Ponzi had no reason to be ashamed. He played Rock-Paper-Scissors out in the open, in the light of day.
“First his community, and then the nation, asked themselves ‘Who is this plucky young man who so casually flaunts societal mores and customs?’ And there’s nothing America loves more than an underdog, unless it’s an underdog who somehow legitimizes something that was previously a taboo. And so, America embraced this gangly young man.
“Ponzi won that year’s Bloomington-Normal Cup without breaking a sweat. He was the hero of a nation. Corporate sponsors flocked to him like scabby groupies to a KISS concert. Coca-Cola, Chrysler, Sony, Keds, they all wanted a piece of him, and he was more than happy to oblige. Scott Ponzi had spent his life in poverty and suddenly found himself with unlimited money. Perhaps it was that taste of the good life that made him forsake his training, all but turning his back on the sport that made his name. Still, his own natural talent won him a second championship in 2004, though it was, in the words of the fat guy at the sports bar ‘Closer than it had any right to be’.
“And then, one year later, a barely recognizable Ponzi was defeated in the final round by a plucky young upstart, one Barry Lique. Ponzi was devastated by the loss and injured by the small items thrown at him by the record-setting audience.
“Scott Ponzi has been missing ever since his defeat. It has been five long years since anyone’s laid eyes on him, and his story is incomplete. And so, here we are, outside his mother’s house. If anybody can point us to Ponzi, it is the no doubt overwhelmed occupant of this particular suburban nightmare. Join me, won’t you, as we enter to find the secret of Scott Ponzi,”
“Hello?”
“Yes, good afternoon, Mrs. Ponzi. I’m famed documentarian Desmond Trawler. You may have seen my film Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?”
“What?”
“Or perhaps Puerto Guernica: Dustbin of the West.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Schlongs of Chicago – A Cockumentary?”
“Oh, we rented that one! Wait, are you looking for Evelyn Ponzi? She moved to Scarsdale two years ago.”
“Goddammit Lonnie! I’m trying to make a film here, and you are supposed to be my fucking research assistant. As a fucking research assistant, perhaps you could take it upon yourself to, oh, maybe do some fucking research!”
“Can I go back inside now?”
“What? Oh, yes. I’m terribly sorry ma’am. And I’m sorry for my language. I tend to swear when the people around me are miserable fucking failures.”
“Nice.”
“What’s that, Lonnie? Now you’re chiming in? Didn’t have this much input while we were chartering a fucking flight to Shitsville, USA, now did you? And that’s all you’ve got in response? A hand gesture? Wait, are we still rolling?”
“You didn’t say ‘cut’.”
“Fuck. Cut!”

Return of the Undead Blog

2009-08-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, five months since I've posted anything here. My once-glorious blog has withered away to nothing, and for that, I apologize. Sure, I've been providing almost-daily content over at spunkybean, so there's always that. But with all of my entertainment content moving over there, I haven't had much to write about over here. I'm not into posting personal news and such here, and I sort of hate it when the blogs I follow do that. Heck, I'm creeped out when people share actual details about their life on Facebook. And don't even get me started on Twitter, that enabling device for douchebaggery. Frankly, there's no good reason you should care about any of that stuff, so that's out as a blogging topic.

Still, I feel like I should be writing about something other than TV on occasion. I feel like I should be generating something original, rather than only reacting to things. I haven't decided what that's going to be. I'm getting the urge to create again, though. I'm thinking about trying to to write a book, and posting each chapter as a blog entry. I realize that may affect my ability to get it published, but I busted my ass writing Borrowed Time a few years back, and to this day something like twelve people have read it. You know what? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to post a novel in first-draft form, as I write it. That sounds kind of daunting, but I'm taking a crack at it. And now that I've said it publicly, I have to follow through. So in the very near future, expect to see the first chapter of Lique. I'm not going to say more about it, but it's a plot that I've been working on for seven years in one form or another. It's going to be a relief to finally make some progress on it. Hopefully, the first chapter will be up next weekend.

The Shut-in's Guide to Ireland, Part 2

2009-03-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

The Shut-in's Guide to Ireland, Part 2

Day Three

Before I get into the specifics, it's as good a time as any to talk about TV. I didn't watch much TV in Ireland – mostly before breakfast in the morning or late at night. Still, it is what I'm interested in. I caught some bits and pieces of American shows, episodes of The Simpsons (available in English and Gallic) and Heroes. I think it would have been funny if the episodes had been re-dubbed so that everybody had an Irish accent.

Children's programming, at least everything I saw, was in Gallic. Sesame Street, Spongebob Squarepants, and Batman, all in a foreign language. (For the record, it was the newest Batman animated series, which I didn't like all that much. This means I didn't have any dialogue passages memorized, so I was lost.) Spongebob has terrible voice acting, by the way. Mr. Krabs has a high-pitched, wacky voice, rather than the dulcet tones of Clancy "Kelvin" Brown. The Gallic actors have weird, vaudeville pacing. And Spongebob's laugh will make you tear your ears out and throw them at the TV. I did like the way that everybody's name stayed the same, so you'd hear a string of something impossible-to-decipher, and then it would end with "Squidward". Also, they greet each other in English. They say "Hi", and then go into Gallic.

Batman was even more fun, because all the tough-guy slang stayed in English, so you'd hear an occasional "Punk" or "Shaddap!". Some of the characters had Gallic names, in the event that it had a reasonable translation. So "The Ventriloquist" had a Gallic name, but "Penguin" and "Rhino" did not, because there isn't a translation for those non-indigenous animal names. It's nice to know that wherever you go in the world, Batman and Dr. Hugo Strange are the same. (Although in Mexico, Batman's real name is "Bruno Diaz". I like to cite this fact as often as I can.)

There are a lot of TV channels devoted to music videos. Either Irish music videos, which largely consist of singers walking around and looking at the camera, or American videos from bygone days. Been a long time since you thought of Top Gun, I bet. Did you know Val Kilmer shot new scenes for the "Danger Zone" video. Anthony Edwards was all like "Dude, I've got too much artistic integrity. Besides, I'm shooting Nerds in Paradise." I realize this isn't actually specific to Ireland, but man, if I knew how creepy the video for "Kayleigh" was, my brief Marillion phase would never have gotten off the ground.

I saw the Irish version of American Idol, which also has duo and trio performances. All the judges are Randy in Ireland, and they're obsessed with the Leonard Cohen song "Hallelujah". It's an awesome song, but I heard three covers of it within a week, and nothing's skeevier than three pre-teen blondes harmonizing on a song about female orgasms.

Every morning I tried to decide which morning show had the hottest weather lady, channel 4 or channel 9. I think I finally ended up with 9. And at one point, I heard a report about "druggies and cheesers". To the best of my knowledge, "cheesing" was only on South Park, and it's what they called it when people inhaled cat pee. Is that a real problem in Ireland?

Anyway, the big outing today was a trip to Blarney. But first, we went to Cobh, formerly Queenstown, formerly Cobb, for a visit to the Museum of Sadness. It's actually called the Cobh Heritage Center, but since it pretty much focuses on famine, shipwreck, and squalor, it turns out to be the most depressing non-Holocaust related museum in the entire world. Cobh itself was a cool little town. One thing I like about Irish towns is the way they'll have a row of houses or small businesses pressed up together, or possibly all part of the same very long structure, and the individual sections will be just insanely colored. I saw the purplest building I'd ever seen sharing a wall with the yellowest building I'd ever seen. I also like the way that you'll see a pub, and then a bank, and then a ruined castle, then a Laundromat. All these ruins and relics of olden days are just sitting there, and people build around them. It's something you don't see in America, because we're fairly new as countries go. And most of the stuff we build even two hundred years ago kind of sucked and didn't last long.

Cobh is a shipping town, and most of the immigrants traveled from there. There's a bronze statue commemorating the first woman ever to successfully emigrate to the United States. They love bronze statues in Ireland, by the way. I saw a statue of Charlie Chaplin, a dolphin, a unicorn, many a war hero, and just about anything else. (And every time we passed the statue of a war hero, I had to make sure everybody knew how he died. "The horse has one hoof up – he died of wounds sustained in battle!")

The museum itself is, as I said, incredibly depressing. There are exhibits replicating conditions in the steerage hold of a freighter and a prison ship. Never seen a mannequin leaning over a filthy puke bucket? Have I got the museum for you! Plenty of depressing statistics, recovered relics from the Titanic and the Lustitania, woodcuts of starving orphans… It's like they tried to find every sad thing they could, and put it next to a gift shop. If they could in some way have connected the cancellation of Arrested Development to Ireland, it would have had an exhibit.

Oh, you know what I haven't mentioned yet? The sheep. Cows too, actually. In Dublin, all the souvenir shops had things bearing pictures of sheep. It was a couple of days before I got that, since I hadn't seen any actual sheep at that point. On the way to Blarney, it really went nuts. There are sheep everywhere! Sometimes they're in the middle of the road, sometimes they're just pleasantly grazing, and sometimes they're in really dangerous places. Like, you'll see a sheep standing on an incredibly precarious outcropping very high up on a heel. You just want to ask them what's going on. "Man, you passed all kinds of perfectly good grass on the way to this deathtrap. What's wrong with you?"

All of the sheep have their owner's markings painted on their neck, and the females have paint on their butts to indicate where they are in the breeding cycle. That right there is the ultimate Walk of Shame, walking around with a red ass so that everybody knows you're knocked up.

The cows are pretty great, too. They're so much more fit than American cows. I saw cows run! American cows can't run – they're too engorged with growth hormones to increase their deliciousness. Irish cows, if they put their minds to it, could chase you down if they had to.

We went to Blarney Castle, which is very old indeed. It's hard to imagine somebody actually living there, as it's built with inconvenience in mind. It is, of course, the home of the Blarney Stone, which is supposed to bestow eloquence on those who kiss it. (One of the signs that explains the legend includes the phrase "much like Harry Potter's sorting hat". Something tells me that's a fairly new display.) In order to get to the stone, you have to climb 127 stairs, which really doesn't sound that bad. What you don't know until you've already started is that it's a steep, windy, and very tight staircase in that tower.

As you may or may not know, I broke my leg (in four places!) falling down my own stairs a couple of years ago. (True fact: I broke my leg and then watched an episode of The Wire before seeking medical help. Priorities.) To this day, I get a little nervous on unfamiliar staircases. And I am not a tiny man, either. The tower? Lots of low ceilings and narrow passages. It didn't help that Lana, at one point, actually bounded across part of the path like a freaking mountain goat. (Lana: Making EJ look even more awkward by comparison since 1999.)

A bunch of Urban Walkers went with us, and they were lots of fun. Especially Bev, who hit it right off with Lana since they were on the same pee schedule.

Finally, we reached the top of the tower. Now, cartoons have taught me that the Blarney Stone is sitting atop an easily accessible pedestal, ripe for smooching. Turns out, not so much. What you have to do is lay down on your back, extend out over a gap, and then lean way back. The Stone is several feet back and another two feet or so straight down. It ain't easy to get to. In fact, I couldn't tell which was the Stone until my face was nearly pressed against it.

There's an old guy who sits by the gap and holds onto you so you don't die. He does, however, exhibit a bias as to who he doesn't want dead. See, there's a camera posed right over the Stone to take your picture. I wish I had both pictures handy, but you'll have to trust me on this one. In my picture, the man is sort of disinterestedly clutching at the front of my shirt with two fingers. Nothing that would actually provide any support or anything. In Lana's picture, he is holding on to her with both hands! He was deeply worried about her safety, it seems. The disparity is pretty hilarious. Of course, when I came up from kissing the Stone, I announced "I totally scored!", so the last laugh goes to EJ.

People have asked, and I really think that was the single experience I liked best on the trip. It was just a cool thing to do – it was fun, and frankly, it's kind of hard to get up there, and I did it. When it was done, I couldn't have been more excited if there'd been a clue box and Travelocity roaming gnome waiting for me.

After that, it was a short walk to the Blarney Woolen Mills, a giant version of the shop in Dublin where Lana got all of her cold-weather clothes. We had lunch there, and learned that when you order coleslaw in Ireland, you get all the coleslaw. You need a mule to get that plate back to your table. Also, it turns out to actually be a coleslaw-shaped plate of mayonnaise. The Irish love anything that you can spread with a knife.

It turns out, I'm a good shopping companion because I carry things, keep quiet, and stick close. Also, Lana sometimes pretends that I know things and asks for my opinion while shopping. She knows as well as I do that it's pretty much like asking a goldfish for help with your homework, but it's sweet nonetheless. I got an awesome sports jacket, by the way. (And yes, she did have to explain what I should wear with it, and further, to specify that "a gray or black t-shirt" would be all right, but those shirts should not have a Batman logo. She knows me so well.)

Finally, the bus took us to Killarney. Killarney, and the rest of Kerry county (which we were to see the next day), was the most beautiful place I've ever been. There's this Bukowski story about a guy taking a trip on a bus, and they make a stop at a roadside diner. The guy realizes that the diner is perfect, but nobody around him ever notices the magic. I always liked that piece, mostly because of Tom Waits' reading of it on the Orphans album. And then, it actually happened to me. There was this fog over the hills, and that made everything in the middle distance seem so much sharper by comparison. It's hard to explain, but as we drove through this absolutely stunning landscape, I felt like everything was going to be all right. A world that has Kerry in it is never going to get that bad.

Killarney seems like a pretty busy town, but it consists of about three streets. It's a nice little town for a walk, and it has a lot of cool little stores. I saw the first movie theater I'd seen all week, and the only American movies they had were Tropic Thunder and The Duchess. They also had a marquee for the new Bond movie, though it wasn't actually playing. From the posters, it looked like all Irish movies are exactly like the Irish movies that we see around here. Quaint tales of small villages and their eccentric inhabitants, precocious children engaging in odd behavior, people who dress like it might be the late 19th century, that sort of thing. Yes, I'm critiquing the whole Irish film industry based on walking past a movie theater.

This hotel was the least fancy of anyplace where we stayed, but kind of charming. Sure, they had separate faucets for hot and cold, resulting in me burning the living crap out of my hand, but that's how you learn. They did have a table display so ill-thought-out that I had to steal it. There's a photograph of a hotel employee with Down's Syndrome, and a headline reading "Watch Out for our Mentally Disabled Friends!" Lack of political correctness aside, the "Watch Out" makes it sound like they were in some way threatening us. It's so wrong, and I had to take it so I could prove to people that it really existed. I locked myself out of my room once again, only this time, there was sad inevitability about it. I sort of realized it was happening just as it happened. Theoretically, I could have caught the door. But it seemed like I had to lock myself out because that's what happens. I was like a dimwitted Dr. Manhattan. "Five minutes from now, I lock myself out of my room."

At dinner, Lana and I ended up sitting with the New Yorkers. They were a mother and son, and he could have been anywhere from 20 to 37. He was a hard guy to read. Now, there'd been some whispering about them during the tour so far, as they hadn't participated in any of the outings, and he kind of freaked out back in Kilkenny castle. Just to give you the picture, both were severely cross-eyed, and the mother sounded exactly like Kyle's mom from South Park. It turns out, they were very nice people, but a little odd. He told us about his past lives, how his father carries a piece of coal from the Titanic for luck ("Worked for them!" I said, because I'm evil.), and other tidbits. The mother said "We have three cats, a dog, and my disabled son", which was so awful that I nearly choked. (The same reaction I had a year or two ago when Lana's uncle started discussing "cornholing" in great seriousness.) Lana, of course, can talk to anybody and managed to completely charm them, while I suspect I came off as owlish.

That night, a group of us went to the bar. The older women in the group loved me, and tried desperately to coax some rhythm out of me. The bar band started off with Irish songs, but since every musician in Ireland is legally required to play "Ring of Fire", our response pretty well ensured a night of cover songs. The Urban Walkers were feisty, and they did some dancing and played imaginary instruments. By the time I'd had a couple of pints, they finally managed to get me dancing. That, of course, was a spastic display. I did do a double high kick off of a table, which was pretty impressive if I do say so myself. And it doesn't matter where you go, if you're dancing and you undo your belt buckle, people are going to freak out.

Best to end it there, at the idea of my arrhythmic thrashing. Next time, we meet a mule, ice cream becomes a major part of the story, and the Irish attempt to understand "That's what she said".

The Shut-In's Guide to Ireland, Part One

2009-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

I went to Ireland last October, and after I got back, I wrote a multi-part travelogue for my friends. Since I've been lackluster in my blogging lately, I present the first part here for the purposes of entertaining the public.

Now, I have to point out that I traveled with Swear Jar Buddy Lana Just to sum up, there are a couple of key differences between us in regards to matters of travel.

Lana travels for a living and has been all over the globe.
EJ saw a blimp once.
Lana is able to engage complete strangers in conversation and put them at ease.
EJ becomes visibly uncomfortable whenever the topic of conversation is not Venture Bros.
So right off, you can see the potential for comedy.
Day One
First off, I had done a very good job of packing. I was ready for every contingency. Lana came to pick me up and run a couple of errands before heading to O'Hare. And then, in the car, she asked in an almost joking tone of voice, in a tone that indicated Of course you remembered, it's not like you're officially retarded or anything, "Do you have your passport?"

Guess what I didn't have! See, I set my wallet on top of my passport so I couldn't possibly forget it, and then I went and forgot my wallet. Again, not an experienced traveler. After that epic brain-fart, the trip to Chicago passed without incident.

We traveled to Dublin via Aer Lingus. There was a giant shamrock painted on the plane, and the pilot's name was Trevor McCarthy. So, you know, couldn't have been more Irish if his name had been Lucky O'Guinness. Aer Lingus runs a tight ship, in the sense that the rows are incredibly close together. Fine for Leprechauns, not so great for a giant like myself. On the other hand, they have TV sets in the back of the seats, so you can pick from their menu of movies or randomly chosen episodes of randomly chosen television shows. (True Fact: Aer Lingus groups all scripted TV under "Comedy". This includes CSI: Miami.) This means that I got to watch a Season Eight episode of The Simpsons while over the Atlantic Ocean. That makes a flight much more enjoyable.

Weirdly, the in-flight meal of ravioli was actually really tasty. Who knew that the Irish aviation industry had it in them? If only they could perfect the idea of putting seats slightly farther apart, they'd really have something going for them.

On Lana's advice, we took sleeping pills, since the flight was six hours long, but would land us in Dublin in the morning, 24 hours after our day began. Sleeping on the flight would have been ideal. Unfortunately, all my pill did was make me really tired, but didn't actually put me to sleep. We landed in Dublin about fifteen minutes too late to make the first tour shuttle, but their airport was pleasant and clean.

(Sidebar: We were with a tour that had 39 people. 32 of them were a group of Speedwalkers from Flint. Yeah – that meant a bus full of Michiganders. There was also a group from California, a grandmother, aunt, and grandson/nephew. They were very nice, but the young man remained silent until the last night, and then he revealed himself to be really weird. Then there were the mother and son from New York, but we'll get to them later.)

Our tour guide came to pick us up at the airport. He was a nice man named Terry – he had a pleasant sense of humor and sad eyes, and he sort of looked like Shaun of the Dead. He dropped us off in Dublin and told us how to find our hotel. Sort of. We quickly learned that, for all their good qualities, the Irish are crap at giving directions. If you ask an Irish person for directions, they'll do a lot of pointing and tell you about things you'll see, and often assume a starting point that is different from the place where you are actually standing at the moment you ask them. What they will not do is use words like "right" or "left" or give the name of a street. Terry actually described two ways to get to our hotel – one was a very specific instruction to give to a cab driver, and the other involved pointing and landmarks that were not visible at the time he described them. This would become a factor later.

Dublin is the largest city in Ireland, and it made a pretty good entrance point, as the culture shock was minimal. Sure, everybody was on the wrong side of the road, and they misspelled a lot of words, but downtown Dublin at least bears a passing resemblance to other cities. Sure, the sidewalks are incredibly narrow, and they are somewhat lax in putting up street signs, but that's easy enough to assimilate.

Here are some cool things that I learned about right away:
-Irish walk signals make noise. They buzz to let you know that the signal has changed to "Walk", and then there's a rapid beeping indicating the ever-approaching "Don't Walk". It's pretty great, because you don't even have to use your eyes to safely cross the road.
-The stick figures you see on road signs are much more detailed than they are here. American stick figures are five lines and a circle. The Irish ones have knees and elbows, and the basic approximation of a human shape. Some have visible pantcuffs and hairlines. My favorites is the sign near school zones which shows two children crossing the road. Not only do the stick-kids have hair, but the boy is looking up and the girl is looking down, so neither one of them is watching the road.
-There are giant plastic ice cream cones in front of all the shops that sell soft-serve ice cream. This is useful because ice cream is sold in seemingly random locations. A bar here, a newsstand there, maybe a bait shop over there. We'll get into the ice cream later, but the giant plastic cones do brighten up the street.
-Everybody in Ireland is very friendly. It really took us until the flight home to meet any real buttholes. Well, there was the waitress who nearly stabbed Lana, but we'll get to that later. They are also very interested in the American Presidential race. People will ask you who you're voting for, which is sort of unthinkable in America, especially during a retail transaction. It turns out, everybody in Ireland supports Obama, but they always end the conversation with "Either way, it's got to be better than you have now."

We did some shopping, since Lana has forgotten what cold weather is like, and she needed a coat. So we got to see some really cool stores, and talked to friendly Irish people, and it was a lot of fun. We took a double-decker bus ride, and a humorless woman told us about Irish history. It turns out that Ireland's principle domestic products up until the 19th Century were political unrest and miscarriages.

Since everybody was going to ask if we did, we went to the Guinness brewery and learned the story of Arthur Guinness. "Arthur Guinness", by the way, is apparently what Irish people call Jesus. Since I'm not a huge fan of the beverage, the promise of a free drink at the end did not motivate the way it did others. Still, it was fairly interesting, and the design of the building was actually really cool.

After a while, we set out to find our hotel. As it turns out, we each focused on a different one of Terry's sets of directions, and they were not exactly compatible. Of course, once we actually found it, we could see the sense in the directions that he gave us, but by then it was a moot point. Once you've found it, it doesn't really help to go back and reverse-engineer the directions. Anyway, it was a really nice hotel. The outside said it was a Quality Inn, but it had recently undergone a makeover to be a nice, shiny, awesome hotel.

I don't want to get too graphic, but newer toilets in Ireland have a, well, quirk. They have two buttons for flushing. One for number one, one for number two. Now, there's nothing that indicates this on the toilet itself. It's not like there's a picture of a turd on the appropriate button. This was worrisome because, well, I used the toilet. I was horrified when I flushed and the water barely even stirred.

On my way to dinner in the hotel, I came across a group of about a dozen women, all wearing costumes. They were sharing a table, and all of them were wearing superhero costumes. No kidding. This is kind of what my dreams are like. Heck, if somebody were to write fan fiction about me, that's how it would begin. And the really weird thing is, after the biggies (Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Supergirl), they got a little more obscure. One of them was wearing a Dr. Fate costume! I have to assume she was my soulmate, this Irish girl hanging out in a hotel dressed like Dr. Fate. I never did figure out what was going on there, but I'll always wonder.

My first dinner in Ireland, I had actual Bangers and Mash! Basically, that's sausage and potatoes, with a really sweet sauce and onions. Pretty darn good, actually. By that point, it was fairly early, but I'd actually been up for about 36 hours by that point, so that was that. The Justice League was gone by the time I finished my dinner.

Day Two

The first full day in Ireland began with me locking myself out of my room. This would become a trend. Who knew those doors didn't allow a grace period? This was also the first of many buffet breakfasts, in which I learned several things.

-Scrambled eggs are invariably nasty in Ireland. They are runny and weird, with a funky smell to them.
-Irish bacon terrifies me. It's a giant slab of pigmeat, and never once did I see a piece that looked like it was fried up well enough to actually kill the trichinosis.
-They love sausage over there. It was generally pretty good, too. Just, you know, there was a lot of it.

Our first activity was a trip to Kilkenny Castle. (On the way to Kilkenny, we not only drove past the spot where Veronica Guerrin was murdered, but also a restaurant that Gordon Ramsay rehabilitated on the BBC version of Kitchen Nightmares. I freaked out.) I was ridiculously excited about being in a castle. I mean, I've never even seen an actual castle. The closest I'd come up to this point was the Excalibur Casino. The tour was really cool – a lot of original furniture and artwork was still there. It turns out, people used to be tiny. Those beds were little. I could probably beat up anybody born before, oh, 1800 or so. I particularly liked that the castle had secret passages, so the servants could skitter around and not have to be glimpsed by the decent people.

In the courtyard, an entire wall was missing, destroyed by Oliver Cromwell. It turns out, if something in Ireland is damaged in any way, there's about a 50% chance that Cromwell did it. I think that was his actual goal, and he just cloaked it in political and religious significance. Dude just wanted to wreck stuff.

A group of Irish dancers performed in the courtyard, which seemed to be for a special occasion. They wore something that looked like lederhosen, bells on their legs, and sometimes they banged stick. It was kind of insane, to be honest.

Afterwards, we got to explore the town of Kilkenny, which consisted of approximately three intersections populated by a billion crazed hurling fans. (That is to say, fans of the sport called hurling. Not fans who were vomiting.) It was a nice little town, about which I don't have anything hilarious to say. We did stop at a fast-food place, which I think was a specifically Irish chain. It's called Supermac's, and one of their sandwiches is advertised with the phrase "As seen on The Apprentice". I was particularly excited about that. I asked an employee who hosts The Apprentice over there, and she said she didn't know, but she totally did. Wherever you go, people are ashamed to admit that they watch The Apprentice.

Next, Terry took us to the Waterford Crystal factory. Now, I'm aware of Waterford Crystal, but I didn't know much about it. Because, you know, I'm poor. This was a really interesting tour – we watched the glass blowers, walking around with their superheated glass at the end of a straw and wearing no eye or hand protection whatsoever. As cool as it was, I was distracted by the revelation that, in order to heat glass, you insert it into a furnace opening called a "glory hole". I'm not going to lie to you, I giggled at that. One guy who fired up a vase pulled Lana from the crowd and handed her a metal peg, as if she was going to transport this molten glass from one side of the room to the other, using only a dowel. He was joking around, but you could tell, she was going to go for it.

We got to see the shapers and the cutters and the engravers, and the whole thing was amazing. Watching these guys basically take a perfectly formed vase and take a buzzsaw to it and come back with these intricate lines was mind-boggling. The engravers did some really beautiful work, and when I am rich, I will have engraved crystal in my house. Chances are, it will be something really stupid, too. Perhaps a solid block decorated with Whammies from Press Your Luck.

In the showroom, they had a giant crystal bear. Like three or four feet tall. I want a crystal bear so much. I'll keep it by the door, so visitors think my home is guarded by an invisible grizzly bear. I assume they will mind their manners, if they believe that to be the case.

On the bus, somebody asked me why I had a picture of myself on my bag. I was carrying one of those canvas bags from Barnes & Noble with a woodcut-style portrait of a famous author. Mine, of course, shows Stephen Colbert, who I suppose looks like me in the sense that we are both men who wear glasses. I just explained that it would be easy to describe my bag if I ever lost it – "It looks like me, but with straps."

We spent the night in Cork, in what was probably my favorite hotel. Except for how I got lost. Oh, and then this happened. I bought a tiny lock for my suitcase to keep it safe on the bus. I realized, partway through the day, that I didn't have the key on me, but I played it cool. Until I got to the hotel and went to the front desk and asked them if they could send somebody up with "tin snips" to break the lock. They clearly thought I was insane, but acted as if they wanted to help. And then Lana found the key laying in the hallway – presumably, I left the key in the lock, and it fell out en route to my room. It was at this point that she took the lock away from me. That's just as well. I honestly imagined myself ending up a deranged street person in a foreign land, all because I had no access to any of my belongings.

After all that, we had dinner in the hotel – we ended up at a big table with some very nice speed walkers. Both of us got salmon which was served on a bed of mashed potatoes. It was topped with a whipped potato, and there was another potato on the side. Three types of potatoes on a single plate! Some stereotypes are supported by fact, it seems. This was the meal where the server dropped a dirty knife on Lana (not her own, by the way), and really just seemed relieved that it hadn't pierced the skin. As long as there are no fatalities, they're happy with the job they've done!

I hung out at the hotel bar that night, as it was decided that I couldn't find my way into town. A big group of walkers were down there, and I tried to make conversation. Depressingly, many of them didn't even realize that I was on the tour, until I told them I was with Lana, and they gushed about how great she is. And that was my conversational in – they asked me questions about Lana, and I answered them. It was another day or so before anybody had any questions about me, and two more days before people finally stopped calling me "Lana's sidekick", but baby steps…

Some of the women taught me to play a card came called "Fruit Bowl", which is sort of like reverse Euchre, with the rules changing slightly with every hand. Apparently, they usually play for money. I turned out to be pretty good, which I assumed meant they were actually hustling me, so I called it a night before they could talk me into "making it interesting".

I traveled to Ireland only to spend the night in a hotel bar playing cards with middle-aged women from Flint. That has to say something about my life.

Next: EJ kisses the Blarney Stone, locks himself out of another room, and dances. Not all at the same time.

You Should Click this Link and Read It!

2009-01-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

Remember how worried I was about the The Spirit?

I was right.

On the bright side, Futurama merchandise will be reviewed this weekend. I have a Calculon action figure, and if you don't, you should be jealous of me.

Merry Christmas, All!

2008-12-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

Well, now that I've driven away all my readers by never posting anything, I can get all self-indulgent for the holidays.

I'd just like to take a moment to thank everybody on Team EJ who made this year possible.

Thanks to my brother, who got me a swell autographed picture of Mikhail the Russian. Even better, Mikhail wrote the name "Benry". We're getting that on the air before the end, I tell you!

Thanks to Sister Jane, who shares my love of reality TV and manages to watch even more embarassing things than I do. Her brain's like a freaky rolodex of reality contestants -- it's pretty unbelievable.

I didn't see much of Dr. Brian this year, but he's been busy being a doctor. He is still awesome, and my oldest friend.

Big thanks to Lana for one million things. You know when you're driving in a snowstorm, and you can't see the road anymore, sometimes there's a car ahead of you that you can follow? And as long as you can see those tail lights, no matter how far off they are, you know you're going to be OK? Yeah. Lana is the tail lights.

Mad props to the whole bunch of Kennys -- Sam for encouraging my fledgling comedy career and forcing me to be funnier all the time, Sean for involving me in crazy projects and blessing me with his wisdom, and Becky for having a heart much too big for her tiny frame. And the mighty Colleen for bringing me celebrity sightings and sharing so many of my obsessions. Of course, thanks to Shmoopy who is sweet as all get out, even if she does make Sean get all cutesy and weird.

Thanks to Kelli for being good and arguing and for being all nice and stuff. Also, for her hilarious righteous indignation at the X-Files movie. Not to say it wasn't warranted, of course.

Thanks to Rachael for helping with my Halloween costume and being a fine hostess and a great Lost fan. Thanks to Bruce for letting me stay at his house and explaining guy stuff to me.

Applause to Brad and Becke for hosting Thursday TV night and for being much less normal than they seem at first glance.

Thanks to Melissa for being the first person outside of my immediate circle to care about things that I wrote, and to Amy for hanging out at Festival and being generally swell.

And of course, I have to thank the spunkycrew. Ben for founding the website and knowing a lot of stuff, Anne for editing me in those early days and introducing me to Frisky Dingo. Thanks to the other writers and the way they amuse me regularly, and special thanks to Nic, who made the trip to attend Spunky Night at the Movies and shared in some Backdoor Mansion Pizza. And then there's special giant thanks to Don, who singlehandedly laid waste to the Swear Jar, but made up for it with all of his encouragement and enthusiasm. We're getting on the Amazing Race one of these days! And finally, to my most frequent collaborator, Myndi. We did a lot of co-recapping this year, and it's been a real pleasure. She's thoroughly delightful, and much funnier than I am. Frankly, that's a little bit irritating to me, but I'll let it go.

Thanks for everything this year, you goofy SOB's. With your help, just maybe I'll make something of myself this year.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Batman, Warren Zevon, and Crow T. Robot

2008-12-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm pounding away on the 25 Days of Christmas Episodes over on spunkybean, but I felt like getting all bloggy. Let's do this one Mysterious Don-style for a change!

WATCHING: Well, along with all my regulars and all the Christmas episodes, I've been getting re-acquainted with Mystery Science Theater 3000. The 20th Anniversary DVD set came out last month, and I've been sort of hoovering up the older box sets. Man, what a great show. Episodes I've seen a dozen times before (Skydivers) still make me laugh to a disturbing degree, and now I can finally see some of the Sci-Fi channel episodes, as they're fairly well represented on DVD. Man, I love this show just as much as I ever did.

Also, I'm discovering Sealab 2021. From the creators of Frisky Dingo, it was one of Adult Swim's first series, and it mostly re-used old Hanna-Barbera animation. What it doesn't have is FD's continuity, but it's still pretty hysterical. I didn't really watch it in its original run, and now I feel like a dope. Fignuts, I tell ya!

READING: Just finished Jonathan Lethem's You Don't Love Me Yet, and I once again feel like a disgusting fraud for ever stringing words into sentences for people to read. It's not my favorite of his books, largely because novels about musicians inherently lack music, so a key dimension of the experience is missing. Despite that, it's absorbing and just beautifully written.

Also, Grant Morrison just wrapped up his "Batman, R.I.P." story, and I think we all know how I feel about Batman. This is the storyline that got some media attention, what with the killing Batman and all. Now, we know nobody's actually killing Bruce, but this arc ends with the guy getting blown up, and he's not appearing anywhere for the next several months. This was one of great mind-screw stories of all time, with Batman apparently losing his mind over a period of months. I enjoyed this story to a ridiculous extent, and should probably write something substantial about it later. (And no, Hurt's not the Devil. Batman straight out tells us he isn't. While there is some ambiguity, part of the point of this arc is that Batman is always right.)

Don totally checked out for that last paragraph, by the way.

LISTENING: Man, that re-mastered edition of Warren Zevon's self-titled album is pretty slick, isn't it? Sounds great, and I love the second disc of outtakes and demos. Granted, this means I now own about nine different recordings of "Mohammed's Radio", but I'm fascinated with his process. On the whole, I've always loved that album, but it's much better than I remember.

Actually, there's an interesting bit -- in one of the demos of "Carmelita" (as well as the time I saw him live in 1995 -- God, I'm old.), he changes a key line. The song's about a drug addict, and the line usually goes:

I pawned my Smith-Corona / And I went to meet my man - he's a writer, and he sells his typewriter to buy heroin. Pretty sad, right? Well, in the demo, he pawns his Smith and Wesson instead. He sells his handgun for drug money. If he had a handgun, why didn't he just rob somebody for money? See, in the demo, he's not a failed writer. He's a punk who pretends to belong to this world he can't handle. He's got a gun, but it's for show. This is him actually giving up the one pretense that he clings to - the guy convinces himself he's a badass, but he has nothing to back it up. Once he loses that self-image, does he have anything left at all?

HOPING: That you will use my Amazon link to buy your gifts this holiday season. All proceeds go toward buying John Swartzwelder books.

WRITING: This year's family Christmas story. In my book, it's sort of cheating to write it before December 20th, but I'm trying to come up with a premise. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to solve the mystery of what happened to J-Dogg in between Seasons One and Two of The Pick-Up Artist.

REALIZING: There is not a person in the world who's going to be able to get through this boring-ass post. Sorry about that!

How We Do Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

What follows is a more or less complete list of television shows referenced during Thanksgiving dinner this year. Keep in mind, my uncle is a minister, so my sister and I didn't dare dwell on some of these references for too long.

-Futurama
-Dirty Jobs
-Columbo
-Frisky Dingo
-The Office
-Dancing with the Stars
-It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
-Banacek
-Top Chef
-Monk
-Batman: The Animated Series
-House
-Stunt Dogs (We made this show up. It's either dogs doing tricks or people in dog costumes doing tricks. Either way, we would totally watch it.)
-The Colbert Report

So, yeah. Thanksgiving with my family is almost entirely what you would expect.

I Would Have Been So Thankful for This...

2008-11-27T17:44:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

On an unrelated note, I was watching Fringe this week, and it opened with a scene where a Massive Dynamic employee was attacked by butterflies. Sure, it was a good episode, but it would have been so much better if this guy:

had been a suspect.

"You are no longer butterflies. Today, you are Murderflies!!!"

Yes, I know it was actually Brock who said that line, but it felt appropriate.

Myndi Was Right!

2008-11-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

-Yes, I have neglected the Swear Jar. Badly. I mean, I've been writing up a storm over on spunkybean and that's pretty well stretched me to my limits. Plus, Mysterious Don has co-opted all of my regular content anyway. Seriously, next year the Venture Bros. recaps will probably be over there. I'm thinking of maybe narrowing my focus here so I can really concentrate on something, or else just regularly posting short bits. We'll see. The point is, we're not dead yet.

-Speaking of all things Venture, my finale recap will get done very soon. As I said, spunky-writing is very time-consuming, and "The 25 Days of Christmas Episodes" may well break me. Anyway, I actually sat down to recap, and I realized how well-written those two episodes are, and I started paying more attention to structure than getting all the references. If you have the two-parter setting on your DVR, take a minute to notice how well they set up the characterization of all the leads in record time. There's also a big hunk of exposition that manages to be entertaining, juggling all sorts of characters, and an elegant solution to the clone problem. Good stuff. But don't worry, I'll be explaining the "Tralfaz" name drop soon enough.

-Hey, you know who's awesome? Walter Bishop from Fringe. Just putting it out there.

-OK, it turns out Myndi was right. She's been on me to watch The Big Bang Theory for a while now. Last year, I reviewed the pilot, and I hated it. Boring and sitcommy and anti-intellectual, and I pretty much closed the book on it. But usually Myndi is right about things, so I gave it another shot. You know what? This show got pretty good. It's not going to replace 30 Rock, but it's funny. So, yeah. Adding another show to the schedule and publicly proclaiming the correctness of Myndi.

"I can't watch the Clone Wars TV show until I see the Clone Wars movie. I'd prefer that George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended." That? Is funny.

Wait, They Have TV in Ireland -- Right?

2008-10-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

Not that you'll notice, what with my lousy productivity of late, but I'm about to go on vacation. To Ireland! Can you believe I'm leaving the country? This should be awesome beyond words, and I'll regale everybody with tales when I return.

And yes, I will finish my recaps of Venture Bros. -- I just realized that I forgot to wrap up the season, but it's coming when I get back. In the meantime, feel free to discuss -- Which Venture supporting character has the best name: Herr Trigger or Truckules?

Keep it clean, and I'll be back in a bit!

Hey EJ, How Come You're Not Writing About "Heroes"?

2008-09-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you who've come to expect a steaming dose of recap the day after a new episode of Heroes, well, you're in luck. My recaps have moved over to spunkybean. You should check it out and then tell me how hilarious I am.

For the record: Season Three Premiere = Awesome

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

2008-09-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

Damn.

I was on kind of a media blackout this weekend, and I just now read that David Foster Wallace committed suicide on Friday.

Weirdly, I just started reading one of his journalism collections on Friday, Consider the Lobster, and I found myself thinking about what an amazing genius he was. Even if you didn't like his style, you have do admit, he knew a lot of things. I wondered what it would be like to talk to him, if he went off on lengthy tangents when he was speaking. Would he constantly assail you with perfectly worded arguments? Did he actually pronounce "with regards to" as "w/r/t"?

His work was stunningly intelligent, consistently funny, and always interesting. Infinite Jest blew my mind with its sheer, massive weirdness, but I think I loved the short story collection Brief Interviews with Hideous Men most of all. (This is something John Krasinski and I have in common.)

It's being reported that he suffered from depression, which I didn't really see in his work. Sure, it was often bleak, but there seemed to be a warm heart and a love of experience that pervaded his writing. And now I'm looking at his books, which I had shelved right next to Hunter S. Thompson's, and it really makes me sad, seeing two freakishly talented people who took their own lives.

This isn't the sort of heavily footnoted work that Wallace deserves, I know that. Somebody far more clever than I will handle that. Frankly, for the first time in a long while, I really don't feel like writing.

Thanks, David. Infinite Jest helped get me through a really hard time in my life, and the literary world will be less interesting without you in it.

How I Learned to Quit Worrying and Hate Andy Kauffman

2008-09-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

This is something I meant to write about a long time ago, but I sort of danced around its fringes. With my recent obsession with the way George Lucas actively craps on his fans, it feels pertinent again.

A couple of months ago, Saturday Night Live ran the first episode ever as a tribute to George Carlin. I wrote about it at the time because I thought most of the episode sucked. What I didn't really get into was Andy Kauffman. And I should have, because I hate Andy Kauffman. Granted, that appearance on SNL was really funny. He did some funny things. Loved Latka on Taxi, for example. But the guy pisses me off.

It's not that I'm averse to anti-comedy. What I don't like was the way Kauffman actively tried to alienate his audience. If people enjoyed something, he immediately ditched it and cast about for something that they wouldn't like. There's a scene in the biopic, Man on the Moon, where he's doing a show and he just reads from The Great Gatsby. The audience hates it, so he turns on the record player, only to have the record be him, reading from The Great Gatsby. And that was his entire show.

That was a stunt designed to alienate his audience. There is no way anybody in the audience enjoyed that. Maybe some pretentious d-bag pretended to find it hilarious in its audacity, but they were kidding themselves. They felt ripped off.

While I'm not saying that artists should pander or never try anything new, Kauffman spent his career alienating his fans. And then, miraculously, when people started to enjoy something that he'd done, he ditched it and moved onto something that was even more esoteric and further away from actual comedy.

I guess the reason it really clicked with me is that I watched than SNL repeat in a hotel room in Columbus after a Tom Waits concert. One ticket to see Tom Waits cost me $90. The hotel room was another $70, and then there's the gas for the five-hour trip (each way). Tom Waits did not ask me to spend that money, true. But me, along with another 2,000 or so people (I'm terrible at estimating crowds) spent that money so we could see somebody whose work we enjoy. This is a significant outlay of money for a lot of people. Imagine a married couple who bought two tickets and had to get a babysitter on top of that. That's money we spend of our own free will, because we want to see Tom Waits.

And Tom Waits, pushing 60 years old, came out and did a two-hour plus show. He did songs he'd never done on stage before, he involved the audience, he created the kind of energy that made us all glad to be there. This is why Tom Waits is awesome.

Fans are people. Fans are people who make a lot less money than the artist. Fans willingly spend that money to be entertained by the people whose work they enjoy. For a guy like Kauffman to then do a show that it is actually impossible for people to enjoy is simply malevolent. He screwed his fans. I'm not saying that he has to give them exactly what they're expecting, but the social contract is to at least try and entertain them. Call it "Performance Art" if you want, but most performance art is masturbatory desperation. If you willingly go to see that, you deserve what you get. But people paid money and set aside their time to see a comedy show, not Kauffman smugly proclaiming his brilliance by playing a record.

Everybody has an off day, but Kauffman had a history of performing this kind of stunt, and retroactively, people treat it as an example of what a fantastic comedian he was. No, it's evidence that he was a lousy comedian who realized it was less effort to alienate than to entertain.

Stan Lee was famous for saying "Never give the fans what they think they want", and that's a good dictum. But he still gave the fans something. And more often than not, it was what they didn't realize they wanted. Absolutely, an artist should try to grow, and not all the fans are going to go with them. There are people who bailed on Tom Waits when his style changed dramatically with Swordfishtrombones, but that's natural. If, at the concert, Tom Waits had played a copy of Mule Variations over the PA while reading the newspaper onstage, yeah, that would suck. You can't please everybody all the time, but if you're lucky enough to have fans, you are obligated to try and produce quality.

I write. I perform. I don't have fans, but sometimes, people read what I write. Sometimes after a show they take two seconds to tell me that they liked a joke. And when that happens, it feels really good. If you can do something creative and people will take time out of their day to read it or watch it or listen to it, that's a gift. When people squander that, it makes me sad.

Kauffman wanted the fans to support him but didn't want them to enjoy him. People like Tom Waits and Jackson Publick and Steve Carell and Matthew Weiner and Amy Sherman-Palladino bust their asses to do good work. They don't phone it in. And just because I didn't like The Return of Jezebel James doesn't mean that they didn't try. It's the people who treat their fans with respect and dignity who really impress me.

So, yeah. The revisionist history is that Andy Kauffman was a misunderstood genius. Me, I think he's just a guy who was spoiled and never learned how to treat people. Still, the Mighty Mouse bit is pretty funny.

"Rolling Stone" is Incapable of Learning

2008-09-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

OK, I don't like to get political here, for one reason. It's boring, and you shouldn't care who I plan to vote for. The last thing I want to read about is what some douche thinks about Obama v. McCain. I'm not saying that it's not worth thinking about or caring about. It's just wrong to think that anbody cares what you believe, politically. Unless you have an interesing take on things, your political opinions are much less interesting to everybody else than their own. Also, "righteous indignation" is not "an interesting take".

That said, I want to touch on the election just a bit, because of how much Rolling Stone's political coverage sucks. On a regular basis, the editors make the dangerous mistake of assuming that all of their readers share the same political leaning. Sure, I'm willing to bet a high percentage of their subscribers swing left, but their coverage is built around the deeply patronizing idea that you already agree with the magazine's editorial position, and they just have to remind you of that. At its worst, Rolling Stone shares President Bush's most irritating habit -- they deal with dissent with a know-it-all smirk and a smug air that suggests that you're the stupidest person alive for not getting it.

They spent primary season using Matt Taibbi as their main reporter, where he turned in the exact same profile of all the Republican candidates. "(Blank) seems nice, but his campaign is poorly run and he believes crazy things." Not only is this boring, but Taibbi's writing betrays a venomous hatred for middle America, and that's where the real problem is. Not only is the Rolling Stone philosophy that disagreeing with them automatically makes you wrong, but they try not to acknowledge the existence of those who disagree.

Feel like reading some articles reporting a Barack Obama win in November as if it's already happened? How about a t-shirt comemmorating his first day in office? It's all there!

The current issue has a cover feature on "How Bush Destroyed the Republican Party". And I assume they mean the Republican Party that currently holds a slight lead in the national polls. See, their political reporting comes from the angle that Republicans have been vanquished, and we're all just waiting it out until January. Exactly the same as the angle they took in 2000 and 2004. For pete's sake, they wrote the same laudatory articles about John Kerry they're writing about Obama. Kerry! Nobody was excited about Kerry, but he was written up as the second coming. So was Gore. Heck, they airbrushed a portrait of Gore to give him a giant unit.

Here's the thing, right or wrong, middle America shows up to vote. They really show up to vote when they feel threatened, like when major publications proclaim that they don't matter, and probably don't even exist anyway. Young people and potheads, key parts of Rolling Stone's readership don't vote, because they're lazy and often stupid. And they're especially not going to vote if they think the election is already won.

Rolling Stone caters to those buttholes who hang out and talk about how unfair the world is, and don't actually do anything about it because they're congratulating themselves on how deep they are. Instead of motivating them, the magazine strokes their egos and righteous indignation. And this is now the third consecutive election where they've done this. I would think by now they'd realize that creating the idea that "their" candidate has already won, rather than reminding people of the importance of actually voting, is probably not the best strategy. Obama's anything but a lock, and they're only hurting his campaign by pretending anything else.

Farewell, Sweet 24

2008-08-31T16:43:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't forgotten. I'll be writing about the 2-part Venture Bros. season finale shortly. I'm still pretty shook up. That was right up there with the last shot of Lost Season Four. I screamed.

Anyway, if you enjoy when I write about Venture Bros., check out my post-mortem of Season Three over at spunkybean.

Hot dogs are ready. I go now.

Fan Entitlement

2008-08-23T19:17:00.001-07:00

Did you guys see The Clone Wars? If not, don't. I beg of you.

I hated it. Now, it'll help if you read my review over on spunkybean. It's pretty funny, if I say so myself. But my point here is that the movie made me angry. I see crappy things all the time that don't make me angry, so that's not a reaction with which I'm totally comfortable.

A lot of the reviews, because America hates this movie, have a sense of entitlement about them. You know, like George Lucas owes us a decent movie. (Not like he's given us one in 25 years, but let's not get into that.) That kind of thinking pops up a lot in the Nerd Community. We've very protective of the licensed characters with whom we spend so much of out lives. That said, I don't usually get behind that. I don't want to be one of those "Bendis raped my childhood" guys. (PS: I totally heart Bendis.) A lot of people get all Drama Student about things, claiming that a bad issue of Green Lantern ruined their childhood memories, or that they have been actively wronged by a subpar season of 24.

One thing I've learned is that almost all creative people try to do something good that people will like. Even the worst movies have at least one person at the heart of it who thought it would be good. Whether the process itself ruins their intentions or whether they just have a skewed idea of what people will find enjoyable, people generally don't set out to make crap.

I said in the review that Clone Wars actually damaged the existing Star Wars movies, but it's not just because it's lousy. It's because it was made with such a complete lack of care. Nobody ever thought it was going to be good. It drips with contempt for the audience, and that's what offends me. George Lucas owes me absolutely nothing. But as a creative person, particularly an influential one, he should feel obligated not to squeeze out crap. The prequels sucked, but at least they felt passionate. The people who made them tried to make good movies that they cared about. That didn't happen here.

I'm angry because I cared about Star Wars for a very long time, and George Lucas and company think I'm an asshole for doing so.

I don't know why I'm writing about this for the second time in a week. I guess I don't want to be one of those crazy people who gets angry about bad entertainment. I get angry about people who willfully do a crappy job. I get angry at people who are openly contemptuous of their audience.

You know what? It's hard to make a movie. Just getting something put together in halfway viewable condition takes a lot of work. When somebody with infinite manpower and resources does only the bare minimum to get a movie completed, it's an insult. No, George Lucas doesn't owe us anything at all. But there's a big difference between being a one-trick pony with a tin ear for dialogue (and who stole an absolutely horrifying amount of the cornerstones of his empire from Jack Kirby's work) and being a dick.

Stupid Lucas.

Danny McBride and Billy Quizboy -- Together at Last

2008-08-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

--I would just like everybody to know that I am the #5 Google Result when you look up "Billy Quizboy". This is the kind of think that makes me very proud. Considering that two of the sites ranking higher than me are Billy's wikipedia entry and Billy's MySpace page, I think that's pretty awesome.

--I am officially inking Danny McBride's name into my list of People Who Are Awesome. I've been kind of fascinated with him since he appeared as Fred Simmons on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. In the last three weeks, I've seen him in The Foot Fist Way, Pineapple Express, and Tropic Thunder. He was awesome in all three. Foot Fist was painfully funny, and he absolutely stole Pineapple Express. His role in Tropic Thunder was small, but every single one of his lines was funny. "I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on the set of Freaky Friday..." And he's got an HBO series on tap. Yeah, that's right. I am this close to not being able to talk about how much HBO sucks these days. Get Milch's new show on the schedule, and you'll have me back full-time. So get on it, Home Box Office!

Anyway, Danny McBride? Awesome. Seriously, if you're in a movie with Seth Rogen, Gary Cole, and Craig Robinson, and you can steal the movie, you're a force to be reckoned with. Check it out -- he's even getting his own tag!

The Venture Bros. 3-11 -- ORB

2008-08-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

Wow.

There was lot to this episode. This season, they've expanded the Venture Universe into a bona-fide mythology. It's reaching Lost levels, with the introduction of the Orb and the early incarnation of the Guild. We're only starting to learn just how much we don't know about the structure of their world, and I love it.

This doesn't specifically relate to this episode, but I had thought recently. In the Venture universe, time travel is almost always portrayed as an invention of the past. Recently, Hank made a reference to "Time travel guys from the past showing up to yell at my dad". In Season Two, the cultists in "Escape to the House of Mummies, Part 2" had an ancient time machine, and Season One's "Are You There God? It's Me, Dean" featured Grover Cleveland's time machine. Other than Brainulo, we've never seen a time traveler from the future. That's weird, isn't it?

Now, to the episode:

--The opening scene from the Rusty Venture cartoon was fantastic. I loved the animation style they used, which perfectly evoked Hanna-Barbera animation, even considering it was a cartoon on a cartoon.

--Oh yeah, Billy Quizboy! Kind of cool that he uses a toilet paper roll to crack Jonas' code, considering that the injury that made him remember his past was caused by reaching for a toilet paper roll. Ah, symmetry.

--Did Jonas Venture invent the Internet? He hid a URL in a 70's cartoon, for Pete's sake.

--Brock's especially angry in this episode. Killing a henchman did not mellow him out, after all.

--Doc's Mocho-coolers sound like the worst drink ever, and I will have to serve them at a Venture Bros. party one day.

--Aw, Scamp. Between last week's reference to Speedy and now Scamp, we're getting a lot of early episode references lately.

--OK, we've got a flashback to the early days of the Guild. Now, it's pretty clear that this Guild evolved into the Guild of Calamitous Intent, but at this point, their intentions are seemingly more benevolent. Members include Colonel Venture (Presumably Rusty's grandfather, since he was also a super-scientist. His great-grandfather was a milliner.), Fantomas (A French villain from pre-WWI novels. Also apparently an ancestor of Phantom Limb), Eugen Sandow (Yes, Venture's bodyguard is a real person. He's the "father of modern bodybuilding.") Mark Twain, Aleister Crowley, Oscar Wilde, and a number of unidentifiable members.

Also, their enemy is Nikola Tesla. Hey, do you remember who played Tesla in The Prestige? None other than the modern day Guild's Sovereign, David Bowie!

--The promo for Rusty Venture cracks me up. Nothing more to say there. Oh, wait: "The Rusty Venture Show is brought to you by... smoking!"Ha!

--"Do they have a bedtime, or any dietary concerns? I've noticed Hank eats a lot of refined sugars." Pete White -- Babysitter Extraordinaire!

--Bizzy Bee is back! Everybody's favorite Walt Disney stand-in is all over those shots of Times Square. Doc and Billy in their costumes? Fantastic sight gag!

--Brock loves that car, you know. It should not be trying to murder him.

--Holy crap, Hunter Gathers is a stripper! With a fantastic body, too. And now we know why Brock was assigned to bodyguard Doc. It seems there's a schism between OSI proper and some of the old-school agents, and the OSI is willing to kill Brock to make sure that the Orb is used. So both the Guild and OSI have significantly strayed from their original mission statements. I wonder if we'll see how that happened.

--Kano can talk, and is apparently a Stern fan. Also, he's got something to atone for. (And both he and Brock watch Top Chef. Hee.)

--Yay, the Alchemeist! This is going to prove to be the first time he's ever been useful.

--The Orb is either a weapon or an engine, according to Colonel Venture. (Should I find it significant that he uses the word "alchemists" immediately after a scene featuring "the" Alchemist?) Sandow kills Venture, and draws the conclusion that Kano killed Jonas. Kano doesn't answer, but he doesn't deny it. And earlier he said he'd taken a great man from the world. Damn, I think we've got our answer as to how Jonas died. Anybody predict that one? Didn't think so.

--You know, they constructed a darn good riddle for this episode.

--I like seeing Doc actually feeling positive for once. "Rusty's back" indeed.

--I'm really stunned that Brock was ready to kill Doc. But I think he wouldn't even have considered it if OSI hadn't tried to kill him. If somebody wants to make sure the Orb is used that badly, Brock's going to make damn sure it isn't. But boy, did Brock look happy when Doc decided not to use it. He's got a heart.

--Finally, somebody called Jonas "a crappy father"! And isn't it weird to see Rusty making the right choice? Between this and rejecting Killinger's offer to turn to evil, Doc actually acted ethically a couple of times this season.

--Never thought Doc and Billy would do the "Go Team Venture", but I loved it.

--OK, not cool to end the episode with Brock in mortal danger -- OSI wants him dead, all right.

And now we just have the two-part season finale. I'm a little worried. Relationships are fraying all over the place, and with all the references to immortality, I can't help but think that somebody in the main cast is going to die before all is said and done. Frankly, that idea horrifies me. I just don't think the season finale is going to end on a happy note.

Something I Realized About Two-Face

2008-08-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

OK, it's taken three viewings, but I just realized that Two-Face in The Dark Knight does not have multiple personality disorder. I think it's the first time I've seen the character in more than 15 years where he didn't. I don't remember if that portrayal began with the animated series, or if Matt Wagner did it first in Faces. Regardless, it stuck. Other than Batman Forever, where he was poorly thought-out and just used as a gimmick (Tommy Lee Jones kept flipping the coin until he got the answer he wanted), Harvey Dent has been consistently portrayed with MPD.

It worked beautifully in the animated series, but the MPD has been a crutch too often. He can do anything, he's crazy! And, you know, what luck that the guy with a second personality gets half his face scarred. The movie showed us a Harvey Dent with a dark side who, when pushed, can't hold it back the way he used to. Harvey doesn't have a separate personality talking to him -- he's an intense guy who lost everything and is willing to trust people's fate to the flip of a coin. (And, you know, Harvey had that gimmick decades before Anton Chigur game around.)

It's weird that I didn't think about that instantly, but I guess that's just a testament to how carefully written the characters were in The Dark Knight. It felt correct, instead of feeling like a divergence. So really, this is just me taking a minute to point out once again that Dark Knight is awesome.

The Venture Bros. 3-10 -- "The Lepidopterists"

2008-08-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Another episode without the boys or Doc. On the other hand, they did prove I was right last week -- last week's episode did indeed take place in between the episode proper and the tag of "Tears of a Sea Cow". Yeah, me. I'm awesome!

I know I cite a lot of favorite characters, but everytime there's a Monarch episode, I'm a happy man. That said, let's see what entertanined me this week.

--Wow, a Voltron parody! I have thought about Voltron exactly zero times in the last twenty years, but that was hilarious. And of course, Ned has a clown head to fly around in. JJ is pretty good to him, really. Man, that's a good parody, though. Right down to the speed lines.

--OK, when I predicted the Monarch could take JJ, I didn't know there was a giant robot involved.

--Hee. "No-no word." Damn, that was funny. Is it wrong that Ned cracks me up so consistently.

--Henchman Number One? Well, he's dead. I love that 21 and 24 are "that rare blend of expendable and invulnerable". Although, this is the second time that's been referenced in a couple of weeks, so now I'm worried about my favorite henchmen.

--In the heat of battle, Monarch calls his wife "Dr. Girlfriend". Somebody's going to sleep on the couch tonight....

--Hey, here we see the tension between JJ and the Captain building. You may remember that as a key plot point last week.

--Mr. Doe and Mr. Cardholder are awesome. "If he had a reality show, I'd watch it." "I'd watch it twice. Even if Flava Flav was in it."

--21 and 24 are getting all meta on us. And that henchman named Speedy that they reference? He's the one Brock killed in the first episode!

--The OSI bring Brock in on a mission -- that's pretty unusual that they pull him off bodyguard duty. I'm kind of surprised Brock's so willing to kill the Monarch, as I thought they'd developed an uneasy peace. Well, the guy's a professional, I guess. I like Brock defending the system, by the way. He's the smartest guy on the show.

--Of course the Monarch can make this all about Rusty. Man, he'll be arching Doc full-time before the end of the season.

--21 and 24 are right -- it is pretty freaky when Lara Croft drowns in the Tomb Raider games.

--I love that the Monarch is mildly surprised that the henchmen succeeded. He's been paying attention.

--Aww, Brock just wants to fire the death ray.

--The more 21 and 24 talk up their knack for survival, the more I worry about them. In the meantime, they're cracking me up.

--"It's like getting sucked off by an angel!" Wow.

--It's been a long time since Brock killed one of the Monarch's henchmen. I hope he enjoyed it. Frankly, he deserves a little fun.

--And that was actually a really good plan the Monarch had with the fake cocoon. Now he's free to arch Venture again.

And hey, that was an ad for next week's episode there. I don't know why Billy Quizboy is digging a hole, but I don't question the ways of Quizboy.

I Heart "Mad Men"

2008-08-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Here is a partial list of things that were awesome about Sunday's episode of Mad Men.

1. I'm not a guy who actually says "Oh, snap", but I said it like four times this episode. "I didn't realize you were in your thirties." Ha! "One thing I wouldn't call Paul is open-minded." Damn, that's cold.
2. Paul's girlfriend? That was a surprise.
3. Pete's reaction to his father's death was so off-kilter and yet totally believeable. I think he comes from a family of robots.
4. That Duck guy is no good. You've got to think Don regrets giving him the job -- it's like he created his own archenemy. Like he built a Golem.
5. Peggy's baby hates her. And Peggy goes from sympathetic to awful so quickly, it's really amazing.
6. Betty's got some spine this year, doesn't she? I worry about where she's headed, but it's good to see her standing up. I really want to know what happened between her and Don during the missing 15 months.
7. When Don gets upset, he tends to slip into his natural rural accent. It's a clever touch that Jon Hamm pulls off without making it too obvious.
8. Don actually follows his conscience, and still gets called out for being a dirty liar. It's sort of Karmic payback, I guess, but he really did fight for Mohawk Air.
9. Along those same lines, putting Pete on the American Airlines account is just about the most manipulative thing I can imagine. I can't decide if his willing participation makes it better or much, much worse.
10. How cool is Don Draper? So cool that he's taught his children to mix drinks! Truly, we are in the presence of greatness.

So, if you're not watching Mad Men, you have made some wrong choices in your life.

The Venture Bros. 3-9: "Now Museum, Now You Don't"

2008-08-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

Man, Jonas was a dick!

That's right, it's another installment of the least timely Venture Bros. commentary around. And this episode was just full of delicious continuity goodness, and enough recurring characters to choke a horse. (By the way, I've decided that this week's episode happens between last week's episode proper and last week's tag, since there are no references to the Monarch attacking J.J.)

Sadly, for the first time, Professor Impossible was not voiced by Stephen Colbert (though Jackson did a good job faking it), but we did get Toby Huss as Scaramantula, so that's not too bad. Huss has been on Newsradio, King of the Hill, and Reno 911!, so you know he's awesome.

Well, let's get to the commentary!

--So, Spider Skull Island belonged to Scaramantula! Answering a question I didn't even know I had, really. Also, note that the villains make up the "Fraternity of Torment", suggesting that this predates the Guild. Manotaur, we've seen him before in the present (future?), when Phantom Limb shows up to kill him. And Doc Venture trying to look Japanese by pulling back his eyes is hilarious. Wrong, but hilarious.

--Aw, poor Rusty. Is it just me, or does Jonas not seem particularly concerned about his son's deathtrap? It's great to see the entire original Team Venture, including Humongoloid. We first met him a couple weeks back as the tiny Dr. Entmann. Nice touches include the overenthusiastic Action Man, and Otto Aquarius' telepathy using the same sound effect as Aquaman's used to. And then we get a young Professor Impossible as a junior member.

--"The Jonas Venture Jr. Museum of Jonas Venture"? Ha!

--I know Jackson and Doc are Marvel guys, but Entmann riding everywhere on Brock's shoulder makes me think of how Hawkman always used to carry the Atom around. As long as I've nerded it up, modern-day Brainulo seems to be a parody of Green Lantern's enemy, Hector Hammond.

--J.J.'s jetpack produces tiny little circles just like George Jetson's.

--Hey, Richard Impossible's airship looks exactly like the Fantasticar! Funny how that worked out....

--Ook Ook, from the flashback, is frozen in the ice block that Hank licks. Is this episode the first appearance of Ook Ook? I think it is...

--The picture on the wall shows Jonas and the Boys Brigade. Looks like in their younger days Prof. Impossible, Phantom Limb, and the Alchemist were members. There's a big guy in a sweater and Tom Landry's hat that I can't identify. He might be Bud Manstrong, though.

--You know, J.J.'s kind of a dick, too.

--There is never a time when Billy Quizboy doesn't make me laugh. Pantsless Ned? Also funny.

--I love Scaramantula's explanation of his name. Also, I just noticed he has eight fingers on his right hand. Hee.

--Clearly, Doc blames Team Venture for his father's death. However, that's secondary to the fact that Colonel Gentleman is alive and well! Gentleman also confirms that he's not Dr. Quymn's real father and drops an awesome He-Man reference, all in two lines. Nice job!

--J.J. leaves Doc out of the photo recreation because he "wasn't in the original" (possibly because nobody ever untied him...), but J.J. wasn't either. Man, I'm starting to hate that guy.

--I love Brainulo mainpulating everybody's dark sides, only to find out Mr. White doesn't have one. His inner self is just as sleazy and pathetic as his outer self.

--Hey, that's Dick Cavett's second appearance this season! Now, in the film, Dick ask Jonas for his greatest achievement and greatest invention, and Jonas says Rusty is both. Holy crap! Is that confirmation that Rusty is a clone? Or rather, that J.J. is a clone and Rusty was the genetic byproduct? Wow!

Four episodes left this season! How much more can Jonas crap on his legacy? I'm betting a lot.

Quick Thoughts on Movies that Don't Involve Batman

2008-07-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I saw some other movies over the last couple of weeks. They still involved superheroes, because, you know, I don't like to stray from my wheelhouse.

--Hellboy 2 was pretty awesome. I liked the first movie, despite the plot holes, mostly because I find the character so appealing. This time out, it displayed more of the sensibilities of both director Guillermo del Toro and Hellboy creator Mike Mignola. And those aren't necessarily the same sensibilities, which makes for a movie that's packed full of stuff.

The plot's largely insane, but easy to follow. The character work is really good, especially giving Abe Sapien more room to develop. The visuals are fantastic -- I especially liked the opening scene, telling the story of the Golden Army using marionettes. And I was pleased to see Johann Krauss, one of my favorite Hellboy supporting characters, make it to the movie. (Though, you know, Seth McFarlane doing the voice? Not cool.) I like the way they played him, and he added a lot to the story. (Next movie, Roger the Homunculus? Please?)

What's really fun about the movie is the characterization of Hellboy himself. He's just a regular, blue collar guy. By the nature of what he is, he's thrown into insane situations, but he still reacts by either punching or shooting. He's very relatable, in this world of troll bazaars and Forest Elementals. He's a nice guy, who also happens to be the Apocalypse Beast. (If there's another movie, I'd like to see them really deal with this plot point. I'm of the belief that he has free will in the matter, but I'd like to see it wrapped up.)

Abe's love story is quite effective, and the scene with Hellboy and Abe getting drunk is pretty hilarious. All in all, I liked it a lot. Yay for Hellboy!

--And then there was Hancock. Actually, I really liked the first two-thirds of the movie. Will Smith is always likeable, Jason Bateman is hilarious, and Charlize Theron is both funny and hot. (Sidebar: It's possible that Hancock is the movie where she is the most hot. Further research is necessary, though.) The story is pretty good, and I liked Hancock's attempts to become better. And, yeah, "Call me an asshole one more time..." is a pretty good catchphrase.

But when it falls apart, it falls apart hard. Here's how you know when it happens: "Gods, angels, we've been called a lot of things..." The specifics of the plot don't make a lick of sense at this point, and it's all just sloppy. Don't even try to figure out why Hancock's powers come and go at the times they do. It'll just make your head hurt.

And the turning point didn't have to suck. There could have been some cool stuff to it, but they let it all slide. Like, if Hancock's been around for 80 years with powers and no memory, wouldn't he be a more entrenched part of society? The movie acts like he's a newcomer. In 80 years, people would have adapted to dealing with him. And if he's been around for 80 years, he predates the concept of a superhero. That term shouldn't even be in the movie. Would there be a Superman if Hancock were around? Maybe, but a whole genre wouldn't be named after him, not with a real guy doing that kind of thing.

I wish they would have dealt with the race issue, too. If there is exactly one super-being, and he's Black, that would freak some people out. But the fact that he goes so far back, well, wouldn't society have developed differently? That would be a story right there. Maybe the Civil Rights movement started 20 years earlier. This is stuff I would have liked to see. (I think I might actually be suggesting Hancock fan fiction. This is an alarming turn of events.) You can't just introduce an element like Hancock and have society at large be the exact same thing that we're familiar with.

And if I may nitpick, the Hancock Revenge Squad forms before he loses his powers. Three regular guys decide to take him down with guns? Not a great move when he's invulnerable, you know?

Still, it had its moments, and I liked the cast. Bateman is bound and determined to be consistently awesome, and I love him for it.

The Venture Bros. 3-8: "Tears of a Sea Cow"

2008-07-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

Man, Jonas is a... Oh, wait. He wasn't in this episode.

I like the advertised title "Murder O'Clock" much better than the actual title, but it seems like a waste to use that title on an episode without Brock.

Wait a minute, could it be? A Monarch-themed episode? Truly, this is the greatest generation. Well, let's get to it, shall we?

--The opening sequence, with the ill-fated Dr. Dugong, was fantastic. I loved the Murder Moppets in their new costumes as the Pupa Twins. I loved seeing how hard Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is trying to make the marriage work. Most of all, I loved the way the Monarch freaked out at the end. It was cool to see that the Monarch's hatred for Venture is back in full force. Ever since their uneasy peace, Monarch seems to hate him out of inertia, but this is sheer loathing right here. I'm guessing we'll get the origin of their feud soon, since it's been referenced a couple of times this season.

--Hank and Dermott have a band? Awesome. The vocals, bass, and "drums" didn't match up in the slightest, which was also awesome. And HELPER's drums were just about the most irritating sound effect ever.

--After getting a single reference two weeks ago, "The Venture Home News" is a major plot point! Hee! Dean takes it so seriously, too. And the fact that The Monarch is a subscriber, well, that made my whole week.

--And in Dean's "Affection Directions" column, we see that 21 is back to his "G. Viceroy" alias from the beginning of last season. I think this is the first we've heard of his crush on Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. And note that Dean's response is actually about his own crush on Triana ("It doesn't matter that her Dad is magic...") Am I alone in thinking that the repeated use of "weenis" is a Mr. Show reference?

--Have they mentioned the "Boom Broom" before? I'm kind of dying to know what it is.

--The Guild frowns on murder? Boy, sure seems like the Guild is mostly in place to keep villains tied up with red tape and pointless rules, doesn't it? Still convinced that Jonas founded the Guild...

--The henchmen play Guitar Hero? Sweet.

--Note Dermott's incompetence with tackling HELPER. No way he's Brock's kid.

--Dean kept the Speed Suit! "I wear it when I'm doing science."

--The boys really want to go to public school, huh? I'm thinking that this set of Brothers have survived longer than any of the previous clones -- they're developing their own interests and looking for more freedom. Awwww, Team Venture is growing up.

--"Brock would kill me. It's his only tape!" Hee. And Dermott's interest in borrower Brock's tape brings us back around to him actually being Brock's son. I can't decide where I stand with that kid.

--Hey, it's GUARDO! Remember when I said that Rusty using Viagra for his "alone time" was the creepiest thing ever? And then a week later the box of Kleenex on the control panel where Mr. White and Doc watch Brock and his lady friends was even creepier? Well, we have raised that bar this week, my friends. The Monarch furiously humping a robot with Doc's face? We went sailing past creepy with that one... And you know what? They did such a good job of building up Monarch's frustrated obsession that it sort of makes sense. Crazy creepy, but it's in character. And the way Monarch dealt with Dean was brilliant. That guy knows his enemies.

--The scene with 24 and Dermott was the biggest laugh of the episode. And just because Dermott claims to be Brock's son, I'm not convinced. I think he was going for intimidation there. Or else I'm just willfully disregarding Occam's Razor.

--When Dr. Mrs. The Monarch means business, she goes back to her old costume. Nothing strikes fear into underlings like a pillbox hat. The Murder Moppets are getting even more unsettling in their lust, by the way. "I saw Mum's clean panties..." Ew.

--I really like the Monarch marriage -- other than the parts that are insane, it actually feels like a real relationship. Monarch's having trouble being part of a couple, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is really putting in a lot of effort to make this work, and really wants him to be happy. Is it possible that this is my favorite TV marriage right now?

--A lot of people had a problem with the scene between Hank and 21. They've seen each other a number of times since the "shooting in the face" incident, and it's never come up. Personally, I think it makes sense. They've been enemies until recently, and I think they kind of bonded back during "Home is Where the Hate Is", so now 21 feels obligated to tell him. However, I'm not sure how 21 saw Hank die twice. In the big death montage, he wasn't present for any of Hank's earlier deaths. But, you know, we only saw quick glimpses. There could be more to the story. It'll be interesting to see how Hank deals with this. Is he going to take stupid risks? (Well, stupider...) And what happens if one of the boys dies, but not the other? Does Brock take care of business so they can ready a new set of clones? This is going to be dark, folks.

--And the best tag ever. I'm ridiculously excited about the Monarch henching JJ. See, I think despite JJ's overall competence, the Monarch's going to tear him apart. He's got hatred on his side, after all. JJ can't deal with that. Besides, it's usually Brock who wins the battles, and JJ doesn't have Brock. I really hope they follow up on this plotline.

I'm still hoping we can get a big Brock-centric episode yet this season. Until then:

DERMOTT: I can't run because I have a lighter up my ass.
24: OK, now I believe you're Hank's friend.

The Venture Bros. 3-7: What Goes Down Must Come Up

2008-07-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Man, Jonas Venture was a dick.

Seriously, and I know I mention this every week now, but for two seasons he was always sort of held up as this embodiment of perfection that Doc could never achieve. I don't remember ever seeing his dark side until this season, and now that's all we see. This episode might be a new low, what with neglecting to save all the kids exposed to poison gas so that he and his buddies can escape more quickly. There are some screenshots on Jackson Publick's blog that lead me to believe we're going to see how Jonas died before the season is over, and when that time comes, we're all going to say "Good!"

Now, I completely missed one of the big jokes of the episode, namely how the sewer people were all wearing costumes from 1980's music videos. I spotted Thriller Michael Jackson and Clown Bowie, but I couldn't place the others, so I didn't figure out the theme. My blog buddies Mysterious Don and Myndi are much better at this sort of thing than I am. Me, I spent the 80's obsessing over who was behind the Hobgoblin's mask, so I didn't see a lot of videos. Actually, I don't watch many videos now. It's entirely possible that I don't like music videos, actually.

I think the bullet point style I've done for the last couple of episodes works better, so I'll stick with it. It wasn't my favorite episode of the season, but I still liked it a lot. Not as consistently hilarious as last week, but The Order of The Triad absolutely made this episode. I always liked Jefferson Twilight, but this episode was his finest work yet. He was always funny, but was he always this funny?

--The scene with the big drill vehicle had two nice bits: Brock being creeped out, yet again, by Doc making a sex joke; and Rusty calling the drill "a monument to my father's repression". Dude, there are a lot of things you can say about Jonas, but "repressed" is not one of them. I think Doc has blocked out giant portions of his childhood.

--This episode gave us one of my favorite Hank lines ever: "There was even talk of french toast.. but there was none to be had." If I tell you how hard I laughed at that, you'll think I'm crazy.

--The fact that Orpheus makes action figures of his friends is really endearing. "I merely repainted an old Mego doll of the Falcon."

--I love how specific Jefferson's abilities are. "They haven't been taken by Blaculas, but I'm not prepared to rule out Caucasian vampires." How common is vampirism in the Venture world that a man can carve out a career as a Blacula slayer?

--I don't think the tiny guy's name was ever mentioned in the episode, but I liked Brock trying to come up with the Marvel superhero that guy reminds him of, and never quite getting to Ant-Man. Even better was tiny guy suggesting just about everybody else. And the fact that right outside the door were parodies of Dr. Strange and Blade, well, that was just a little joke bonus.

--By the way, not cool to have Orpheus' visit to the Master take place offscreen. Do not rob us of an H. Jon Benjamin appearance.

--In the second half of the episode, Jefferson is wearing the pants from Dean's Spider-Man pajamas. Hee.

--So, when Mr. White tells the boys about how he and Doc use the nightvision to spy on Brock and his lady friends, and then pushes aside a box of Kleenex... did anybody else get seriously creeped out?

--Well, now I'm obsessed with the question of who Rusty's mother is. The fact that Jonas built a supercomputer named MUTHER presents a lot of questions. He had issues with women, that's for sure. Tiny Guy even says that she and Jonas "had a falling out over parenting issues". It occurs to me that there aren't any regular characters on the show who have two parents. Everybody seems to have one mystery parent, and that's getting a lot of play this season.

--I rarely mention the Alchemist, but he's consistently funny, and I love Dana Snyder's voice work. Of course, I always picture Master Shake, but that's not a bad thing.

--This episode marks the first time this season the boys have done a proper "Go Team Venture!" Just thought you'd like to know.

--OK, the Sewer People using the missile as a toilet is just disgusting.

--According to the credits, Tiny Guy's name is "Dr. Paul Entmann". Ha!

Next week (well, tomorrow) we have "Murder O'Clock". Probably the third or fourth time this season I've claimed "Best episode title ever", but I really mean it this time.

This Just In: Dark Knight is Awesome!

2008-07-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

My review is up at spunkybean and I'm punchy from lack of sleep, but I'll just say here that I loved The Dark Knight, and comfortably proclaim it to be the best superhero movie ever.

One thing I didn't mention there because it could be considered a spoiler. (Let's face it, if you're reading this, you know that Harvey Dent becomes Two-Face.) The Two-Face design is positively terrifying. The make-up is really disturbing, and it freaks me out. Sure, I've seen Two-Face drawn without lips on the scarred side of his face, but to see it in live action is horrifying. And the hole in his cheek and the exposed piece of his jaw... I've seen Two-Face about a hundred times, but this was the first time I ever gasped.

I'll get to Venture Bros. tomorrow. Promise.

Slight Interruption in Service

2008-07-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

--All right, I don't have the weekly Venture Bros. entry ready just yet. It might be the weekend before I get to it, but it's happening. Let me just say that Jefferson Twilight freaking stole the episode. "This isn't the work of Blaculas. I can't rule out caucasian vampires." Awesome. All of his lines just killed.

Why am I too busy, you may ask? Why, Batman Week, of course. That's right, spunkybean is celebrating the release of The Dark Knight all week. As I write this, I have three huge articles up that you will like if you're EJ fans. And if you're reading this, you're an EJ fan. Or else you Googled "Hen in a pumpkin".

Seriously, "Hen in a pumpkin" is the new "I don't know Butchie instead". I'm not sure what to make of that. Regardless, we'll talk Venture Bros. this weekend, and like all Venture-related conversations since the beginning of the season, it will include the phrase "Boy, Jonas was really a dick, wasn't he?"

Mysterious Birthday

2008-07-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

-A belated "Happy Birthday" to Mysterious Don, who celebrated his transition into demographic undesireability yesterday. Without Don's intervention, there'd be no Swear Jar, so lift a glass to the man whenever you accidentally stumble on this site while Googling "Hen in a Pumpkin".

-Speaking of things that are awesome, next week is "Batman Week" on spunkybean. Granted, for me, every week is Batman Week, but this is very cool. Check it out for fine Batman writing from both normal people and obsessives.

-That's all I've got today. This is a very short blog entry. What more do you want from me?

The Venture Bros. 3-6 -- "Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman"

2008-07-10T16:24:00.001-07:00

OK, I have to say it:
"Go, Team..... Boobies! Gosh!"

I was not a huge fan of the episode on the first viewing, but the second time through, I was absolutely howling. I daresay this is the funniest Dean has ever been, even if he's steadily more unhinged. "The both of youse got jungle fever. The both of youse!" "Henry Alan so-called Venture!" Very little is funnier than Dean pushed to the limit.

I hope Mysterious Don was happy, as this episode featured actual venturing. And just for Myndi, they had that key party scene. (Because she recaps Swingtown, not because... oh, never mind.)

I am more sure than I have ever been about anything that Jonas Venture is Dr. Quymn's father. In the flashbacks, she and Rusty look almost exactly the same. Jonas was having an affair with Quymn's mother, and there's no way Colonel Gentleman is her father, what with being totally gay and all. So, yeah, that means Doc and his half-sister almost....

Actually, this whole season has been about mysterious parentage and Doc's sex life, and this episode delivered on both fronts. Besides the possible (probably) sister, we have the mystery of the girls' father, and an indication that Hank and Dean might not be twins. Is it possible they started as clones? I don't know anymore. And of course, the revelation that Rusty hasn't had sex in "19 years, four months, and two days". Presumably, that was when the boys were conceived. (Which also mean that, thanks to all the cloning, they're about 3 1/2 years younger than they should be.)

Just some things to point out, aside from the fact that Dean is still cracking me up and I'm not even watching it right now.
--"Like somebody shook up a six-foot can of... blood soda..." For those of you keeping score at home, this is awesome.
--Hank was really funny this week, too. Especially his attempts to write a song for the girls. Hank is so blissfully oblivious, isn't he?
--Another great tender moment for Brock at the end. "How you holdin' up there, Broken Arrow?" I really liked Brock's reactions to Ginny's flirting (which inevitably turned into lesbianism), too. Sort of confused, but just watching the show.
--Doc Sr. is really an asshat, isn't he? I always thought Rusty's problems came from not being able to measure up, but Jonas is a dick.
--Does the presence of David "The Sovereign" Bowie link Jonas to the Guild of Calamitous Intent? We already know that the Guild is required to observe "Rusty's Law", and now I'm wondering if Jonas actually helped found the Guild.
--Man, it doesn't take much to put Doc off a woman, does it? He was profoundly offended by epilepsy this week. No wonder it's been 19 years...
--Teaching a baboon to box? Brilliant!
--OK, if Doc Venture is taking Viagra, and it's been 19 years... Wow. He's taking erectile dysfunction drugs for his alone time. You are right to shudder.
--And my favorite moment of the week: Dr. Quymn has a seizure and Dean responds by beating her with a chair. Repeatedly. And then: "The power of Christ compels you!" You guys, I lost my mind over this scene. I want it in a small window on my TV screen whenever I'm watching something boring.

Hey, Cartoon Network! Thanks for not giving us promos! Now I've got no way to end these things...

What Has Two Thumbs And Loved WALL-E? This Guy!

2008-07-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

There is nothing in the entertainment industry that guarantees quality like the Pixar logo. Once you see that little lamp hop across the screen, you know you're in for a good time.

I loved WALL-E so much. I realize, I'm not exactly objective when it comes to Pixar, as I've loved their entire output. But, you know, they've all been awesome. Most impressive is how individual all of their movies have been. Nine movies, and none of them feel like repetitions of one another.

(Sidebar: I've said for years that the first six or seven Pixar movies actually chronicle the life cycle of an American male. Toy Story is about children, and the resentment you feel when Mom and Dad bring home the new baby. A Bug's Life is about an adolescent or college student, with Flik leaving home to chase his dreams. In Toy Story 2, Woody and Buzz are older, they've seen some stuff, and they're ready to see their family as people, and not just as the ones you're stuck with. Plus, the whole movie is about giving up on the trappings of childhood.

Monsters, Inc. is about two guys who aren't ready to be fathers. And then you have Finding Nemo, which is about an actual father. Marlin is Pixar's first adult protagonist, with adult responsibilities. It was at this point, years ago, when I explained my theory to Swear Jar Buddy Lana, and I further said that their next movie would be about a middle-aged man who's past his glory days. And then we saw the preview for The Incredibles, which is about just that. Based solely on this prediction, Swear Jar Buddy Lana still believes that I am smart, despite my many attempts to prove otherwise.

Cars necessarily fit in to the pattern, with Lightning McQueen being more of an adolescent. However, you can make the case that the story is actually about Hudson Hornet reconciling his long-ago exploits, and embracing the totality of his experience. At the very least, it's a strong B-plot, and close enough to keep the theme. With Ratatouille, they broke from that running idea, which is just as well, since they reached the end of the cycle with Cars.)

As usual, the design and animation is gorgeous. And as with every one of their movies since Finding Nemo, there's at least one scene that I can not distinguish from live-action. (Those Earth backgrounds... How did they do that?) The designs are so intricate, and the Earth scenes at the beginning are so detailed and grimy. It's beautiful.

I loved the silent-movie quality, with WALL-E limited to beeps and clicks, that other than his name and EVE's, don't sound anything like words. He's such an expressive character, and the design is spectacular. WALL-E as a character is immediately likeable.

I like EVE's faux-Mac design -- just try and tell me she shouldn't have an "i" in front of her name. The introduction of EVE turns the movie into something Pixar has never done before -- a love story. Sure, they've had some relationships in the past, but that's always secondary. In WALL-E, love is the point. My favorite scene in the movie, and one that made me cry a little, was when WALL-E brings EVE to his little trailer and shows off his treasures. It's such a perfect, funny scene, but it absolutely nails that feeling you get when you meet somebody special. You want to let them in and share the things you care about, but there's always a chance that they're just going to wreck your stuff. In fact, the scene reminded me of a very specific time in my life, and it just hit home with me. It's fantastic storytelling.

I also liked the Chuck Jones-style interactions between the robots, especially once WALL-E boards the Arcadia. There are chase scenes that could be updated Roadrunner cartoons. And the scene with WALL-E and EVE flying through space around the ship is absolutely beautiful. It's this moment of pure, real emotion that you rarely even see in live action.

And here's a cool thing: Fred Willard appears in the movie. Live Action Fred Willard! He shows up in file footage and old videos as the CEO of "Buy N Large", the monolithic corporation that rendered Earth uninhabitable. Between his appearance and the clips from Hello, Dolly! that WALL-E watches, it creates the idea that the bloated, semi-boneless lumps that comprise humanity in the future are devolved versions of modern humanity. It used to be a world of real people and over time they devolved into simplified, almost featureless caricatures. It's a storytelling choice that worked really well, having the visual comparison of the real Fred Willard and the round, inactive Captain (voiced by Jeff Garlin).

Man, I loved WALL-E. I might as well give Pixar my power of attorney, because they are incapable of not being awesome. Just imagine how much I could do if they took over my life!

SNL Has ALWAYS Kind of Sucked

2008-07-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

Last week, in honor of George Carlin, Saturday Night Live re-ran the very first episode, hosted by Carlin. Now, I'd seen hunks of that episode before. Nick at Night and E! re-ran the early episodes in half-hour installments, but that still leave a good bit of the 90 minutes that I hadn't seen. (Weirdly, some sources insist that Paul Simon hosted the very first episode. This seems like a rather binary equation here. Either one or the other ran first. Since IMDB and Myndi both call this the first episode, I'm inclined to agree.)

Anyway, here's the thing. The episode sucked. Hard. Carlin's bits were classic, and maybe a couple of the sketches got a laugh, but there was just about enough to fill 22 minutes of airtime with half-decent material. Holy crap, it was brutal. Fake ads that are parodies of specific commercials are not funny 33 years later, and damn, were there ever a lot of them. One ad in particular was for an iron pill called "Jamitol" (Ow! My sides!), and the ad was Chevy Chase and another man, who Chevy kept referring to as "my wife". I can not find the joke in this sketch. I have discussed this sketch with other peopler who write and perform comedy, and they do not get it.

Valari Bromfield (who in later years, per the aforementioned Myndi, produced The Kids in the Hall) "performed" "comedy". She came out and told the audience "I'm not a comedienne, I'm a school teacher", and then talked to them like a teacher. That was the joke. Seriously. Future Kids aside, when people ask me why there aren't more women ins stand-up comedy, my answer will be "Because Valari Bromfield."

And the bee suits. When I was a kid, watching the Nick at Nite reruns with the volume turned way down so my parents wouldn't know I was still up, I thought the bees were hilarious. Because, you know, it was so ludicrous it was funny. Right? Like, there's not an actual joke, and that's what makes it a joke. Irony, bro. It turns out, 14-year-old EJ was a frigging moron. In his defense, The Simpsons hadn't started yet. You know what? The bees aren't funny! Jokes make things funny! The lack of a joke doesn't make something funny! I want to go back 20 years and kick my younger self's ass.

It's interesting that Carlin doesn't interact with the cast at all. I don't remember if that was common or if he just didn't want to get the suckiness of the sketches all over his sportcoat.

There was a Jim Henson sketch which was mildly entertaining, mostly because I love Muppets, and it was weird to hear proto-Fozzie and Rowlf voices coming out of space aliens. Other than that, it was not a great scene. Once again, it was based around a joke that I just didn't get ("releasing her darts"?) and it was just kind of rambling. I mean, I love me some Jim Henson, but this really did not presage greatness.

I could go on, but there's not much point in slamming something that aired 33 years ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am now starting to wonder if Saturday Night Live has always kind of sucked. I think maybe it has. The early years look better now, because we've been seeing them edited down to half-hour episodes. Any 90-minute episode has to be at least 1/3 passable, right? And heck, for those real clunkers, they plug the musical acts in to pad it.

I've long believed that SNL should be a one-hour show, and now I'm thinking that sometimes it could go down to 30 minutes. Here's my plan: Every week they try to write 90 minutes of material. When they get to the runthrough, they cut everything that sucks. Whatever's left, that's how long the show is. NBC has 50 years of material in their vaults, they can fill the extra time. Let Programming know Saturday morning how long the show's going to run, and then they'll fill the rest of the airtime with classic sketches or a couple episodes of The Office, or something. Survival of the fittest, baby! Nothing gets spared to make the 90-minute mark. If it sucks, it's gone!

Venture Bros. 3-5: "The Buddy System"

2008-07-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

"Everybody who's got a father, raise their hands. How come you're not raising your hand? You don't look like Jesus, boy!"

You know, this is the third episode in a row to have a different title than the programming guide indicates. It's very upsetting when my DVR clearly believes this episode is called "Enter the Bad Seed".

Man, what's with the Jonny Quest characters this season? We've seen Hadji and Race Bannon this season, and now Jonny himself gets an appearance, along with Dr. Zinn. Kind of weird that they call him "Action Johnny" now, but I've heard somebody's interested in making a Jonny Quest movie, so they might have to steer clear of the name. Nice vocal performance from Brendon Small, by the way.

Other than 21 and 24, all of the regulars got some screentime this week, which was nice. And no flashbacks at all! The Order of the Triad always makes me laugh, and never more so than when they're imparting safety lessons. "When did we lose them?"

This season is very much about Doc's failures, isn't it? I mean, to an extent, that's what the series is about, but this season's really hit that theme. I do like the idea that the Rusty Venture cartoon is still popular. I'd like to see an episode where some executives pitch an update of the premise to Doc, and now Rusty has a snowboard and an iPod, or something.

And Hank having a friend is hilarious. I love that it's such a foreign concept to the boys. They really don't see people their own age, except for Triana. Also great was Dean freaking out and whaling on Dermott. Between this and his little psychotic break at the end of last season, I'm a little worried for Dean's mental health. Still, Brock was so damn proud!

Speaking of Brock, I know they want us to think that Brock is Dermott's father. There's a slight resemblance, and we know that Brock gets around. Plus "My dad is in BlackOps". But, you know, would Brock tell a one-night stand about his job? Would Dermott cast aspersions on his father's sexuality? No, I think it's not that simple.

Rusty? Possible but not likely. Doc's conquests are so few and far between, he wouldn't have an unknown son out there. Plus, Dermott is about the same age as the boys (or would be if they didn't keep getting cloned), and there's no way that Doc was sleeping with two women at the same time. Plus, if Myra is the boys' mother, she would have killed anybody else who caught his eye.

Now, Dermott does tell his mother that he "met" his father. He didn't directly interact with most of the adults, so Orpheus and the rest are out. You know who I think it is? Master Billy Quizboy! Billy was on the "people mover" with Dermott, and he even took time to shoot poor Billy in the ass. Is Dermott's mother a quiz groupie? Sure, Billy only lasted in BlackOps for a couple of days, but I can certainly imagine him and Mr. White using that line on drunk girls. True, Billy has said that he's a virgin, but we learned this season that most of his memories have been wiped.

Or else it's really Brock and I just went all Lost on a simple plot-point. We'll see who's a genius and who isn't!

Other swell bits that filled my heart with love:

-Doc totally half-assed that day camp, didn't he? You'd think he'd maybe check out E-DEN first before bringing a bunch of kids there. Well, you'd think anybody else would.

-Brock going to Orpheus for advice -- I like that angle. He thinks of Orpheus as clergy. That's always a fun interaction to see.

-Great Brock lines this week, with some hilarious delivery. I especially liked him talking to Monarch through the hidden camera, and his frustration with Dermott at the judo exhibition. "They don't even do that!" Oh, and his attempts to toughen up Dean. Really, any and every Brock scene was awesome.

-Holy crap, the gorilla scene just about killed me. Between Doc's attempts to communicate, and Billy acting like a kitten, it delivered some of the best laughs of the night. And then it went horribly wrong. Poor, poor Billy. Oh, and that kid who got killed. But, you know, clones. (Do we know if Doc invented the cloning technology or if that's another one of Jonas' creations?)

-Somebody's got to say it: Dr. Mrs. The Monarch looks disturbingly hot in her new costume.

Once again, I am thoroughly tickled.

By the way, this is my 350th post! Who's awesome? I'm awesome!

Under the Weather, But Totally Worth it!

2008-07-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

--Have to wait until tomorrow for the weekly Venture Brothers chat. I'm feeling a little bit crappy. It was a big weekend. Friday, spunkybean hosted a showing of Army of Darkness, which was really fun. I got to open the event with some stand-up, and a couple of my spunky brethren came down to participate, including Myndi who is one of my blogging BFF's. (By the way, the two of us will be recapping the new season of Big Brother. It should be awesome!) This turned into a long night of getting lost in the city where I live, beer, and loud discussions about pop culture.

Saturday, I drove to Columbus for a Tom Waits concert. Tom Waits is my favorite musician ever, and this is the second time I've been able to see him. It was awesome. Of course, that's five hours either way, and a sleepless night in a Days Inn. Plus, screaming excitedly. So I'm having allergy problems and I absolutely blew out my voice. I'm hurting over here. Totally worth it, but I feel like ass right now. Thank goodness for the four-day week, I guess.

Damn, did I just blog about blogging? I promise I'll talk about cartoons tomorrow.

Home is Where the Hate Is

2008-06-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

First off, I finally got my Guild of Calamitous Intent shirt in the mail. The Venture Brothers Shirt Club was a birthday present to myself, and I squealed with delight at the first shirt. Next up is the Dr. Killinger logo, which I may wear every day for the rest of my life.

Hey, the lead characters actually appeared in this week's episode. And in our parade of minor characters, we've got Sgt. Hatred! (By the way, I just realized that we saw a young Sgt. Hatred in last week's episode.) America's favorite foot-fetishist is back! I never would have picked him as Doc's new archenemy, but I'm thrilled. I love the episodes where these fantastic characters lead these ordinary lives. Sgt. Hatred and Brock Samson talking about the lawn? I love it. Now, I don't find the characterization of Hatred as a pedophile particularly amusing. (Well, except for: "I should have mentioned it back at the compound. I'm actually required by law...".) It's a little too Family Guy for me, and that's never a good thing. However, they pretty clearly established last season that his attraction to Dean was based on his small, womanly feet. But since that wasn't referenced, and wife Princess Tiny Feet wasn't in the episode, that didn't actually come through.

This episode wasn't dripping with continuity, other than the payoff to the long-running joke about stealing from Sgt. Hatred, and the announcement that Dr. Girlfriend is officially "Dr. Mrs. The Monarch". This makes me especially happy, because it means that Jackson and Doc share my love of making names much longer than they need to be. Why just type "Don" or "Richard", when you can type "Mysterious Don" or "Richard 'Batmanuel' Alpert"? Of course, there's always a chance that some offhand line is going to turn into a major plot point down the line (Sgt. Hatred's cat?), but I can't see the future. Still, plenty of funny bits.

--How hilarious was it that they played the same celebrity party game on Venture Brothers and Swingtown this week? I'm pretty sure that the crossover on that particular Venn Diagram is minimal. And you have to love that Sgt. Hatred made tags for Harry Dean Stanton and Mark Knopfler.

--Loved Brock's interest in the PBS documentary about giant crossbows. That's exactly what you would picture Brock watching now, isn't it? I just hope he got to see them fire it.

--So, he's got "HATRED" printed all down his body? Just pray we never see the "D"...

--Was that effete guy chatting up Brock at the party somebody we've seen before? He got a lot of screen time, but I couldn't place him. Nice touch that Sgt. Hatred and the Monarch clearly have different friends, as none of the Monarch's usual guests were there. And was that White Noise in the background?

--The Murder Moppets are starting to grow on me. I like the henchmen so much that I don't want them living in fear, but once Tim-Tom and Kevin dragged in that cat bed, I fell in love.

Can't wait for next week, and I can't wait to see what Mysterious Don calls the various characters. Not so hot with the names, that guy...

My Continuity Sucks

2008-06-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

Here's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. I don't know why, and I don't usually care to discuss anything really personal here (Basically, if you're reading this, you're a friend of mine and you already know, or you don't know me from Adam and have no reason to care.), but his sort of ties in to my usual themes.

My continuity sucks. It's not cool. My backstory is vague and ill-defined, my motivations not fleshed out. You can understand how this upsets me.) I haven't seen my father in nine years, I have a sister I haven't seen in maybe 14 years. In both cases, they left. In my father's case, it was a long time coming, but with my sister, it came out of nowhere. And in both cases, certain things have turned up about those times, but mostly it just creates new questions.

Since they're both gone, these questions can't be answered. All sorts of things went on behind the scenes, and I'm sure it makes for a fascinating story. But nobody can really spell out the specifics, other than my father and sister. Without them, it's just an incomplete story.

Now, it's not really possible to re-establish contact with either of them, nor do I particularly want to. (And of course, I'm not going into specifics here. I already feel like I'm walking the line of being unforgiveably douchey with this level of personal detail.) That just means, there's no way to get my questions answered and establish the timeline. Key events in my past have no motivating factors or context, and that's crappy continuity.

John Locke, Don Draper, Doc Venture -- their backstories are fleshed out gradually, making them more and more real with every pass. I don't have that. And yes, all three of them have father issues. We can learn more about those issues, and how past events inform the choices they make today. That's good characterization. Me, I couldn't even get a decent flashback on Lost, because the interesting bits happened without my knowledge. And yes, to an extent this is true of everybody. Go to your dad and ask him about something that happened fifteen years ago. As we've learned from Desmond and Henry Miller, narrators are unreliable. The past is colored by individual recollections. I get that. But I don't even have access to those accounts that I can try to synthesize into a possible version of the truth.

If I were a character on a TV series, I think people would find me poorly-constructed. My Lostaway flashbacks would frequently contain the phrase "And then, for some reason, this other thing happened..." I'm one of those guys on Oz who got killed or sent to solitary in their very first episode. We all want to be the heroes of our own life, but my backstory is ill-developed. I'll never be Dr. House, Al Swearengen, Jack Shepherd, ot Hank Hill. No, I'm a supporting character at best. I'm Ronald Poklewaldt. Fat Dom. Catclops.

Oh, crap.

You guys, I'm Arzt.

Have You Reserved Your Copy?

2008-06-19T18:23:00.000-07:00

--That's right, Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs comes out on Tuesday. This is news of the highest magnitude. Don't believe me? Freaking David Cross is voicing the titular beast! Yeah, I thought that would get you going. Seriously, wait in line until Tuesday and freak out the people at Best Buy. Bring a pillow.

--My reports from the Waterfront Film Festival are up on spunkybean! Nine movies in two days, many of them awesome. You should read my reports. They will fascinate you and make you proud that you know me.

--I have a deep and abiding love for Daily Show correspondents. Sure, there've been a few who have passed through without making much of an impact, but I love just about everybody who stuck around for any length of time. I think the current crew is outstanding, and I am thrilled with new additions Kristen Schaal and Wyatt Cenac. Kristen is, of course, Mel from Flight of the Conchords, so she starts out with about a million points. I love her distinctively awkward style, and I like that John Stewart seems a little afraid of her. But the real find is newbie Wyatt Cenac. It usually takes the audience a while to warm up to new correspondents, but this guy came out of the gate strong. I mean, his first report was about why Lost is better than the Democratic primaries. So clearly, I will heart him forever. There is such a perfection to "Hillary Widmore" that it will haunt me. Go, Wyatt!

--Yeah, I didn't have much to say today. I'm trying to blog more consistently and I just didn't have the energy to finish an entry about why my life has crappy continuity. Seriously, as a character, I am less fleshed out than John Locke. I'll get to that this weekend. Yeah, that's right, I'm running teasers now.

Billy Quizboy and the Invisible Hand of Fate

2008-06-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sweet, delicious continuity porn! That what The Venture Brothers brought us this week. Sure, that's the second time this season Hank and Dean have gotten shorted, but that's a small price to pay for the glorious backstory of Mr. White and Billy Quizboy.

And with the return of Hunter Gathers right after a Dr. Killinger episode, it's a veritable parade of my favorite minor characters. Can this mean that Colonel Gentleman will also be making another appearance? I mean, he's dead, but so's Hunter. Is it possible this season is just a love letter to me, what with all the continuity and the supporting characters? I am going to assume that it is, even though that's really not a possibility.

Two of the three episodes this season have been flashback-heavy, and I really never imagined that Billy and Mr. White had a backstory, especially one that ties so many of the characters together. I love that the origins of Billy and the Phantom Limb actually are connected. There was that episode last season (can't remember which one) where everybody had a different theory about Phantom Limb, and all of them involved Billy in some way. I'll have to go back and check to see if anybody was actually right. And wasn't Limb just creepy in his early days? His arms were just gross.

Is this the first time we've seen that OSI cares about the Guild one way or another? The espionage stuff is usually kept pretty separate from the superhero parodies. I mean, it makes sense, but I don't think it's ever been referenced specifiically. By the way, the Village People / GI Joe parody was the funniest thing in the episode. Well, except for... the nozzle. Oh, and Brock's inability to say "dramatization".

Why does the OSI assign Dr. Venture a bodyguard anyway? It's not like he's particularly valuable to national security. Unless he is. What if Rusty is actually a super-science genius? His mental blocks keep him ineffectual, but if he ever gets over his massive insecurities he has the potential to be incredibly dangerous. That's why the OSI sends him bodyguards who will keep him crippled. Myra's a sexual predator who makes Doc the woman in the relationship, and Brock is the ultimate Alpha Male, to whom Doc will always feel inferior. So Killinger's makeover was actually a worst-case scenario for OSI.

Let's see, we got the earliest chronological appearance of Dr. Girlfriend and the Venture Brothers themselves. We saw them as infants while Myra was still Rusty's bodyguard and I don't know if that makes it more or less likely that she's their mother. I also liked seeing Dr. Impossible's name on the door at the University, even if it was being removed. Phantom Limb and Dr. Impossible on the science staff at the same time? If only they could get Colbert back to do the voice -- that could be the best flashback ever.

Really unexpected to get that level of emotion from Billy and Mr. White -- the scene near the end where Brock brings Billy over to the trailer is White's only moment of sincerity in the entire series to date. And since there are no throwaways on this show, I have to believe that Billy regaining his memory is going to mean something important before the season is up.

Man, do I love this show. Next week: "My Dinner with Hatred".

25 Movies that are Funnier than "Annie Hall"

2008-06-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or does the AFI piss anybody else off? I'm so tired of their "100 Greatest Movies" list being trotted out every year or so, and the real problem is it's a list of movies that people are supposed to like. Get beyond what's "important" and look at what's actually good. Anyway, their new desperate stab at relevance is airing on Tuesday, the top 10 films in each of 10 genres. I'll be interested to see what genres they come up with, since they will probably be carefully subdivided to encompass the same movies they manage to list every year.

It's already been noted that they've chosen Annie Hall as the best comedy. Now, I like Annie Hall quite a lot. But is it the best comedy in film history? No. It's not even the best Woody Allen movie, quite frankly. Calling it the best comedy, to me, indicates they're claiming that it's the funniest movie ever. That is, unless their standard for judging comedy focuses on something other than how funny the movie is. Which, knowing the AFI, it probably does. Anyway, I'd like to present a list of 25 movies that are funnier than Annie Hall. This is by no means a comprehensive list, just the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

2. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

3. Take the Money and Run

4. Raising Arizona

5. Monsters, Inc.

6. The Simpsons Movie

7. Superbad

8. Sleeper

9. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

10. Napoleon Dynamite

11. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

12. The 40-Year-Old Virgin

13. Office Space

14. Quick Change

15. Defending Your Life

16. Bubba Ho-Tep

17. This is Spinal Tap

18. Zelig

19. Waiting for Guffman

20. Juno

21. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Move Film for Theaters

22. Pulp Fiction

23. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

24. Shaun of the Dead

25. Toy Story 2

I'm not claiming that any of these are the funniest movie of all time, but I am claiming that they are all funnier than Annie Hall. Again, I like the movie, but let's be realistic. If you think Woody Allen sneezing over the cocaine is one-hundredth as funny as the Newsteam Rumble, there is something wrong with you.

Why I Should Write For Your Show: 24

2008-06-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a new feature. It's clear to me that I should be writing for television. I've lost interest in honest employment, so it's time to move forward. Now, some people will extol the virtues of writing spec scripts and building contacts. Unfortunately, I feel like my attempts to ingratiate myself to professional writers will seem as desperate and creepy as my attempts to meet women. So on occasion, I'm just going to put my ideas here and hope to slowly build up influence and power. I'll begin with 24.

OK, we've spend 144 hours with Jack Bauer, and we don't know anything about him. I realize that 24 is not really the ideal vehicle for introspection and character development. Spending a whole season on a single day cuts down on any real chance for growth. That's all well and good. Still, after six seasons we should know more about him than how he prevents things from exploding.

In a sense, there's not supposed to be more to Jack than the mission. I get that. And that works, to an extent. But we've seen just enough to get the feeling that we're missing something. He is capable of having relationships, even after losing his wife. We don't see much of them, but it's pretty clear that his relationship with Audrey was reasonably healthy. And there was the woman he lived with between Seasons Four and Five -- they seemed happy together. I think it would be interesting to see just a bit of who he is when he's not "on".

And then, it's worth looking at what actually motivates Jack. He had a personal stake in the first season, and since then it's been a job. But why? CTU has kicked him to the curb on more than one occasion, and his own government has betrayed him. To me, the assassination of David Palmer in Season Five should have broken him. They were actually friends -- Jack respected and trusted Palmer, and that loss shattered him. Why does Jack keep risking his life? Is he that fierce a patriot? I'm not sold on that idea. You need a real human presence to connect to an ideal. It's hard to fight for America if you're not motivated by particular Americans.

What does Jack do in between his annual battles with terrorism? I'm not saying they should set a season on his day off or anything, but I'd like to see some of his life bleeding over into his work. He must have friends - maybe he's driven them away, but at some point he must have interacted in a pleasant way with people.

There's a great scene in Season Six, where he's in the medical suite at CTU, and you can see that he's just scarred all over. His right hand is badly burned, his chest is covered with bullet wounds, cuts, burns, and all manner of injury. And in this scene he looks absolutely haunted. His eyes look like his body in that scene. How does he live with himself? Does he gravitate toward crisis just so he doesn't have to deal with what's inside?

There's a great scene in The Punisher movie. Yes, I said it. Actually, they stole it wholesale from Garth Ennis, which explains the greatness:

JOAN: Why do you kill bad people?
FRANK: Because I hate them.
JOAN: Oh. I thought it was to help others.

Is that where Jack's coming from? Does he have to hurt people? Is it not about protecting America anymore, but rather about having somebody to fight? This is what I want to find out.

I'd like to see the season's crisis spring up around Jack, and I'd like to see him have to protect somebody who's important to him. (Just not Kim, for cry pete.) I want to see Jack in a position where he actually has the ability to say "The hell with it" and walk away. I want a situation where somebody else can handle the crisis. Obviously, in order for the show to work, he'll have to not walk away, but once that happens, we can find out why.

Action and character development don't have to be mutually exclusive. We know what motivates Batman or John Locke or Sidney Bristow or Brock Samson. We don't know what motivates Jack Bauer, and once you get to that, it opens up a whole new world.

So, you know, you should hire me to work for 24. Plus, I will be more than happy to write scenes where Jack throws people through windows. The word "defenestration" is not used as liberally as it should be, and I aim to change that.

The Doctor is Sin

2008-06-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

--Man, do I love my Venture Brothers. This week, we actually got to see our heroes, which was nice. It's been, what, 18 months since Season Two ended? Sure, we all have our DVD's, but it feels like I lost track of the boys. Thankfully, everybody was at their best. Hank and Dean were really funny, and I like that they're taking them in separate directions more and more. Dean's a man of knowledge, Hank's a man of action. Sure, minimal knowledge and incompetent action, but there you go. Dean's withering under his father's negative influence and Hank falls constantly short of Brock's unachieveable ideal.

It's always interesting to get a look into Doc's head. That's a freaking snakepit right there. I really like the glimpses into his history -- we know he was the coolest little boy in the world at one time ("I used to have your lunchbox"), and somehow he became this miserable wreck. I can't decide if he's actually flawed or if he sabotaged himself. The flashback would seem to indicate the latter, with poor Rusty paralyzed by accidentally seeing his father's penis. (And eating "Alpha Dog" cereal during that scene? That, my friends, is genius.)

What's notable to me is that the end of this episode is one of the very few times we've seen Doc make a morally defensible choice. After all, how is he any different from the Monarch? They both seek power and the destruction of their enemies. Heck, the Monarch's villainy is partly motivated by love, which is more than Doc Venture can say. Honestly, I was surprised that he didn't go villain at the end. Rusty might just have some good in him, after all.

Great to see Orpheus again -- he really makes me laugh. Mostly, it's the vocal performance, where every single line is delivered with the exact same urgency. But I also like his attitude -- he's actually powerful and competent within his own sphere, but he's just drastically uncool. Doc Venture is as bad at super-science as he is at being a father, but Orpheus is actually powerful and respected, but the answering maching vexes him. He comes face-to-face with demons but can't believe that children sometimes swear.

I love Dr. Killinger, and the fact that he actually got to use his Magic Murder Bag for actual murder makes me so happy I can't stand it.

Now, I've got two questions about the season thus far: How did Jonas Venture die? I never gave it two thoughts until the Monarch mentioned it last week, and now I'm fascinated. And, are Rusty and the boys going to be assigned a new archenemy? They've already done the "application" arc before, so I don't see them revisiting that ground again. Of course, all of that pales next to the fact that next week's episode focuses on Billy Quizboy. If that doesn't have you on the edge of your seat, you and I are very different people.

Yes, I'm going to be writing about The Venture Brothers every Monday. You will have to learn to accept this.

Let me drop some math on you...

2008-06-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Get this:

According to Entertainment Weekly, Mad Men averages 900,000 viewers. That, first off, is freaky to me. I spend so much time engrossed in this stuff that I assume everybody watches what I do. Why are most people so stupid? Anyway, it also said that the average episode costs $2.5 million dollars. If you break down the cost per viewer, and then figure 13 episodes last season, it means that AMC spend $36 dollars to entertain me personally last summer.

So I say, thanks AMC! I'm not sure if that's an ideal business model, but I really appreciate it. Not only did you provide me one of the best shows on TV, but over the course of its season, you spent enough on me to buy me a box set of The Office. If you break it down like that, it's hard not to feel a little bit special.

My Bender Has Angry Eyes!

2008-06-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

--I've discussed my love of Mad Men in the past, so you can imagine my excitement over seeing the big feature and cover on the new Entertainment Weekly. I feel weirdly paternal toward Mad Men, actually. Early on, there was no buzz at all, but I loved it. The way it picked up steam through the course of the season made me happy. It's nice when something good is appreciated for being good, you know? Plus, it makes me feel like society is catching up with me. I'm ahead of the curve, baby!

And have you seen the gorgeous cigarette-lighter packaging for the Season One DVD's? I want to build a freaking shrine for that thing!

By the way, the fact that Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! made it into EW's summer preview has me so pleased I can almost hardly eat my pineapple. I was actually giggling about that inclusion. Even more pleased that they note that John C. Reilly will be back as Dr. Steve Brule. I have no idea how they got him for that show, but he rules every time he appears.

--Finally got the Series Three Futurama figures, and they are absolutely glorious. After cheaping out on the accessories for Leela and Zoidberg, I was afraid we'd get shorted again, but the new Bender and Kif have some great extras.

Kif looks really cool -- he's very weirdly proportioned, which I didn't think would translate, but it really works. Just look at those long scrawny arms! He's sort of adorable, actually; he's even wearing little underpants under his skirt. (Don't look at me like that!) His accessories include a framed picture of Amy (Awww), his big cowboy hat (from "Where the Buggalos Roam") which looks hilarious on him, and best of all, he comes with one of the Ball aliens! Remember, from "War is the H-Word"? I didn't expect that at all, and it's just perfect. "This war has gone on too long. I have seen to many body bags and ball sacks."

Then there's Bender. Bender has been done in 3-D multiple times, for the old MAC line, a bendy from Dark Horse, and various tin toys. There are a lot of Benders out there, and this one is the best of all. He's sort of a challenge, with the design of his limbs -- they usually do his limbs as bendy plastic, which doesn't usually match the rest of the figure that well. This time, they nailed it. The color and gloss matches the rest of his body, and they finally struck a nice balance between appearance and functionality. Best Bender figure ever! His accessories are perfectly chosen -- a stack of loot, a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor, and a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. And even better, he has interchangeable eyes! Angry eyes, bored eyes, and sad eyes -- that's a neat feature and completely unexpected. Also, you can remove his head, as seen on many episodes.

And of course, these two figures include the last pieces of the Robot Devil. Having been gradually assembling him for almost a year now, I'm glad he's finally completed. He really looks good, and I love his baton and top hat. (By the way, the hat stays in place with a magnet. Futuristic!) Sure, he could have used a solid gold violin, but we can't have everything. Seeing how well he turned out gives me high hopes for the upcoming Robot Santa Build-a-Figure. And anybody want to sign my petition that the next one be Hedonism-Bot?

On a related note, less than three weeks until the next movie!

Abusing Myself to Markie Post

2008-06-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

--Yeah, The Venture Brothers is back! Woo! Got to say, it's a bold move to not have any of the heroes in the first new episode in nearly two years. True, Brock was onscreen, but he didn't have any dialogue. Doc Venture appeared in flashback, too, but only briefly. Of course, I love the Monarch and all the Guild stuff, so I was fine with that particular conceit. I loved getting some backstory on the Monarch, too. This was sort of an actual origin story, which makes the nerd in me happy. (And his real name is Malcolm? Who knew?) Two fun continuity points came up, as well. First, does seeing Myra (from "I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills") in the flashback mean that she really may be the boys' mother? It's not like Rusty was scoring all over the place, after all. Second, was the tag supposed to be years in the future? Phantom Limb looked older than last time we saw him. Regardless, I loved that he had a robot arm like Billy Quizboy's to replace the one he lost in last season's finale. No telling if he had his man business replaced as well, but I have to assume.

And next week features the return of Dr. Killinger, so I am giddy about that. Plus, you know, the lead characters may actually make an appearance. And yes, this is just one of those blog entries that makes Don roll his eyes. You know what? I'm old. I don't have to pretend not to be a nerd anymore. I'm not fooling anybody.

--Remember when this blog used to be entertaining? I'm going to try really hard to get back to that over the summer. Well, I can't promise to try. I can, however, promise to try to try.

Where Did the Time Go?

2008-06-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, it's my birthday tomorrow. 33. Seriously. I mean, I'm catching up to Jesus at this point. In a way, this is deeply depressing. Who became a success after 33? The only writer on my shelf who was first published after that age is DBC Pierre. That's kind of sobering. I sort of feel like I slid right past my sell-by date. On the other hand, it's not like my career is exactly gangbusters. It just seems like I've tried to split my time between two worlds and I ended up half-assing them both. Usually, I'm pretty happy with the hybrid mutant life I've cooked up, but ticking off another year makes me feel like I've missed at least one boat.

But then there's also this part of me that wakes up every June 3rd and absolutely thinks that this is going to be the year. And I guess as long as I can say that, I'm still in the game, right? No sense in going all Mitch Yost here -- I'm still in the game until I stop trying. That said, this is going to be the year. Bring it on, Father Time. This is the year!

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

2008-06-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

--The full article is over at spunkybean, but I'm sure you can imagine how deeply traumatized I was by the Lost finale. I'm not ready to talk about it just yet.

--At least we have something to look forward to -- The Venture Brothers returns tonight! Early word is that Team Venture does not appear in the entire premiere. Jackson Publick, you're a magnificent bastard. Of course, that means it's a Monarch-centric episode, and there are very few characters who make me laugh harder than the Monarch. My enthusiasm runs deep and rich, like a river of fudge.

--When did Spencer Gifts transition into being a straight-up porno store? I've long had a joke in my stand-up about how they sell Simpsons t-shirts and sex toys, but now the sex toys are taking over. They sell actual blow-up dolls in the mall now. But here's what horrified me most. They have a Sarah Jessica Parker-themed love doll. I realize that any resemblance a blow-up doll has to a real person is minimal at best, but who's going to actually buy an SJP doll? Like, on some level I get the level of perversion that gets you to hump an inanimate object. Not that I would do so, but I can sort of understand the person who does. But a Sarah Jessica Parker fetish? I can't believe that for a second.

In summation: Worst-selling love doll ever.

--And finally, even though I don't have the Futurama Series 3 figures yet (They're in the mail, though. Finally, Bender can join Barney Gumble, Jack Shepherd, and Iron Man in Moe's Tavern.), they've announced the next three series. Series 4-6 include parts to build Robot Santa (Yay!), and they have some great choices, but why is there no Professor Farnsworth? The next three series include Fry, Leela, and Bender in their superhero costumes (from Less than Hero), Nudar (from Bender's Big Score), Calculon, and L'rrr. While I'd rather get original characters rather than variants, Less than Hero is one of my favorite episodes, and the Captain Yesterday figure looks fantastic. I'm surprised at Nudar, but I'm really looking forward to the figure. The others, I'm absolutely thrilled about, especially Calculon. I'd really like to see the Professor, Hermes, and Amy to fill out the Planet Express crew, though. Come on, Toynami -- this is pretty well a "fans only" line anyway. I'm not exactly seeing Fry and Zoidberg lining the shelves at toy stores. It's not like you need to worry about kid appeal. Any Futurama fan will happily pony up the bucks to buy the Professor, especially if he comes with some Doomsday devices and the toaster that can feel love. Oooh, and the fing-longerer.

Man, I'm a geek.

Most Improved of the Season

2008-05-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

--Well, with the season just about wrapped up, I think it's safe to bestow my "Most Improved" trophy, and it goes to a show I actually liked a lot when it first started. And that show is Reaper. It started with a great premise, kid finds out his parents sold his soul to the Devil, so now he's Hell's bounty hunter. The characters were solid, with the relationship between Sam and Sock being particularly nice. The romantic intrigue was halfway decent, and the cast was great, especially Ray Wise as Satan. However, the premise didn't develop for the longest time. By the time the strike shut everything down, Reaper had fallen into a "Monster of the Week" rut. And while the individual episodes were clever and well-executed, it was still a rut.

I sort of feel like the Reaper staff wrote in secret during the strike, because as soon as it came back, they really opened up the mythology. Between Sam's dad tearing pages out of the contract and Steve and Tony, the gay fallen angels, the show went from being entertaining to being legitimately interesting. So now, at the end of the season, we've got the possibility that Satan is really Sam's father and that Sam's (supposed) parents are apparently demons. All of a sudden, we're into must-watch territory. And now the CW renewed it for next season, so I'm officially geeked. (As opposed to being unofficially geeked.)

--Did you realize that when Heroes comes back, it's going to be nine-and-a-half months from the last episode? As an HBO fan, I guess I'm not as bothered by this as some people would be. (Two years for 13 episodes for The Sopranos? No problem!) I can't decide if that's going to put people off or not. I mean, it's not like they've suddenly restructured their lives to incorporate all that free time on Monday nights. And even if they did, you know, DVR. At least Heroes ended last season with some closure and a cliffhanger. Other shows left hanging, like Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money, just sort of petered out without any kind of season finale. I liked DSM a lot (so much so that I use an abbreviation), but I could not tell you what happened in the last episode if you offered me cash money, and I spend way more time thinking about this kind of stuff than most people do.

On the other hand, one of the new characters on Heroes is a pretty girl with super-speed. Considering that I have a 14-year uninterrupted run of The Flash and I'm a big fan of pretty girls, I have to assume that the producers of Heroes are sending me a late birthday present with this announcement.

And speaking of schedule gaps, when was the last time we saw a new episode of The Sarah Silverman Program? Has anybody heard when the new episodes are scheduled? I can only watch the Season One DVD's so many times, after all. OK, that's not true. Evidence suggests I can watch the Season One DVD's an infinite number of times. Still, I'd like to see some new episodes.

That's all I've got today. Big ups to the Veterans!

Guess Who Acknowledged My Existence?

2008-05-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

--Man, my blogging has been subpar lately. Sure, I've been writing my butt off over on spunkybean, and I did just get a Wii, so my time's pretty much spoken for. I'm trying to get back to writing something long-form, too. I have two book ideas, one of which I came up with while on vacation and then the very next week Swear Jar Buddy Sean said "You know what you should write about...", and it was same thing I'd already started. I take that as a good sign. The other idea is actually a concept that I've been living with for six years now, and it's high time to do something with it. At one point, Notable Sawyer was going to film it, but the progress is so slow and when you look at the footage you can see what we looked like when we were young. It would be jarring to add scenes now. Some of those scenes are five years old, and the years have not been kind to us. Anyway, point is, I've going to try and turn the whole thing into a book. I've got notebooks full of scenes and ideas, so this is just going to be a labor of love. I'll keep you posted.

--Hey, I forgot to mention this, but my review of Todd Barry's new CD was linked on Todd's website -- check it out! You know what that is? That's awesome! Todd Barry has acknowledged my existence, which means I've met half of my goals. (Now if somebody uses the name "Benry" on Lost, I can die happy.)

Of course to put this in perspective, I was all set to brag about this to my friends and then Swear Jar Buddy Lana led with "I saved a guy's life today". Needless to say, the Todd Barry story went on the old backburner. Still, you have to admit, that's pretty awesome.

Paging Adebisi....

2008-05-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

--The local news reports that the dirtbags who robbed and shot Dave have been arrested. Good. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's good to know. I'm a little ashamed of this dark side of mine, but I really hope these guys end up getting pragged something fierce.

--To nobody's surprise, I liked Iron Man a whole bunch. The second best Marvel movie, next to Spider-Man 2. And in a rarity for me, I liked the movie version better than the comic. Not just because Tony's been a complete tool for years now. I'll have piece on spunkybean later in the week, but let's just say I've got nothing but love for Iron Man right now. And the Nick Fury cameo was just pure nerd porn. And unlike most nerd porn, it wasn't overly distracting for the general populace. Let's face it, Samuel L. Jackson is awesome, and "The Avengers Initiative" just sounds cool. One of these days, I'll have to outline my thoughts on that potential franchise. Long story short, I'd rather have cool minor characters who can't support a movie on their own as a back-up for Iron Man, rather than cramming in the big guns. I mean, I love Captain America, but I think he'll come off as hokey in live-action. Give us some Hawkeye and Vision. They don't need origin stories. Make them Iron Man's team, and you could really have yourself a movie.

--And yes, the trailer for The Spirit is as bad as I'd feared. I actually swore at the trailer. Hate that trailer so much. That trailer is my mortal enemy. I only take solace in the fact that no matter what Frank Miller does, he can't actually get into my house and destroy my collection of Spirit Archives. Well, he probably could. It's not like seven pounds of dog would stop him. He probably just wouldn't take the time.

--Ready for something awesome? Swear Jar Buddy Lana goes to the same gym as Shaq! That's right! Of course, like me, she is primarily a fan not of his basketball but of his work with fat kids. I'm sure we're all united in hoping that he finds some overweight youngsters in his new hometown.

--OK, next time I'll be back on TV and trying to limit my discussion of superheroes. Join me in a couple of days for a post-mortem on Scrubs. Fingers crossed that it moves over to ABC, of course.

Fund Raising for Dave

2008-04-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't usually go into personal stuff here, but this is kind of important.

My friend (and boss way back in my register jockey days) was shot in a robbery last Friday. Right now, he's stable, but critical.

The important thing is, some really good people have set up a fund to help with his medical bills and keeping his store afloat. If you can spare anything, please check out their website and give what you can. Dave's a good guy, and anything you can do will be much appreciated.

Marshall Meets the Muppets

2008-04-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation this week! I'm in Phoenix, which is awesome. My best friend lives here, it's sunny, and my leg doesn't hurt in the morning. And no allergies, either. At this point, I'm looking for a good reason to come back ever.

Anyway, everybody's heard that Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother star Jason Segel pitched a concept for a new Muppets movie and got hired to write it. Damn him! I mean, the dude's awesome, but I've been saying for years that anybody who can't figure out how to make money off the Muppets should be pouring tar for a living. Sure, he has "industry contacts" and, what's it called, "talent", but lack of same shouldn't hold me back.

I'd be thrilled to see the Muppets make a comeback, actually. I love the Muppets, I love Segel. I'm assuming it's going to kick all kinds of ass. I just want to throw my hat in the ring for the property that I'd like to revitalize.

Looney Tunes -- Here's the problem: The Looney Tunes have fallen into the trap that so many crappy cartoons fall into; deliberately lobbing pop culture references over kid's heads so they can claim it's aimed at the whole family. Kids don't get them, and they're too lame for the adults. Bugs Bunny should not be treated like this. And the characters shouldn't be redesigned to make them more current. Something that's timely eventually gets out of date. The Looney Tunes will never be out of style, if handled correctly. I'd reintroduce them in a movie, since that seems to be the most effective way to introduce animation to a mixed audience.

But I wouldn't have an overriding plot, like the Looney revivals of the last decade. It would be a series of 6-8 minute self-contained shorts, just like the old cartoons. I would banish pop culture references, since that just turns into a mess. Pixar doesn't use pop culture references, and they just keep making gold. A Britney Spears reference isn't funny now, and it will be completely unfunny in just a short while. Each short will have a simple plot with funny jokes. Maybe one will bleed over into the others, perhaps a bear chases Yosemite Sam through multiple segments. The point is to emulate what worked before.

Long-form storytelling doesn't work with the Looney Tunes -- so many of the characters are devoted to the destruction of another character. You can't work Sylvester and Tweety into a story without acknowledging that they are mortal enemies, so just forget it. Have Sylvester try to eat Tweety for eight minutes and then move on. Give each of the classic characters their own segment, with Bugs and Daffy getting multiple segments each to use their various antagonists.

Kids today are probably never going to see a Woody Woodpecker cartoon, and all of the Hanna-Barbera characters who aren't mystery-solving Gread Danes will be forgotten soon enough. It would be a crime to watch Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny and all the rest fall into obscurity. This is a billion-dollar franchise with universal appeal, just as long as they remember what people liked about them in the first place.

Bruckman-Mania!

2008-04-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

--I'll write more about the triumphant return of NBC's Thursday Night schedule later. I'm busy watching everything for the third time, and the MILF Island Tribal Council scene for the 1000th time. "We no longer want to hit that." It's glorious! On any other night, multiple uses of the phrase "Erection Cove" would make it a night to remember. But here, that was just part of the tapestry of brilliance.

And I love The Office more than I could ever love, like, a person. It's entirely possible that the dinner party was the single most horrifyingly uncomfortable episode ever. It was so dark and sad, and yet so hilarious. This might be my favorite episode ever, and for an episode with minimal Dwight and no Creed, that's a bold statement to make. I really feel like this is going to be one of those all-time classic episodes, like the death of Chuckes the Clown or the Soup Nazi. Only, this will also make you die inside a little.

--My main purpose in writing is this: There is a new X-Files movie on the way. While I am not the world's biggest fan of the show, I liked it a lot for most of its run, and I'm excited about the new movie. But now I'm upgrading to super-excited. Why, you ask? Well, FOX is releasing a DVD set that ties in to the movie. Eight episodes, specifically chosen for their relationship to the film.

One of those episodes is the fantastic black-and-white standalone "Post-Modern Prometheus". That is good news. Even better? Another of the episodes is "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose"! You know, the one where Peter Boyle can tell how people are going to die? This is one of the three greatest episodes of the series, with "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'", and the one where Bruce Campbell is a demon who wants a baby.

I don't know how the episodes actually tie in to the movie, but any connection at all to "Bruckman" jumped this movie up about six spots on my Summer Excitement List. That's right, I have a Summer Excitement List. Does that surprise you?

Hen in a Pumpkin

2008-04-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

--Hell’s Kitchen season is the happiest time of the year. Sure, if you have BBC America, every season is Gordon Ramsay season, but Hell’s Kitchen is a special delight. This is a show that delights in their cannon fodder – there are so many people on this show who don’t have a prayer of winning. Every reality show has its misfits, but they make up such a huge portion of the cast here. Remember Josh from last season? He never once had a chance, since he couldn’t actually cook, but he was there to fill out the cast. (By the way, it’s worth mentioning again: Anybody named ‘Josh’ on a reality show will turn out to be a douche.)

Funniest moment so far this season was Petrozza (or as I call him, Tiny Brian Posehn) and his signature dish. In case you missed it, it was a Cornish game hen served inside a pumpkin. Not only was that the most fantastically absurd dish ever, but when a horrified Ramsay asked him what it was called, he responded “Hen in a Pumpkin”. Well, of course that’s what it’s called.

So far, everybody’s kind of a disaster this season. But runner-up Bonnie spent most of last season as a failure. I am willing to bet that Black Gordon Ramsay will not be long for this world, though. That irritated Gordon so much, you just know he’s waiting for an excuse. And I’m done with sexist butthole Jason. Yeah, men are awesome, women suck. Find a new gimmick, schmuck. That was not an intentional rhyme, by the way.

It’s going to be a couple of weeks before I can recognize everybody by sight, but I’m completely giddy to see Chef Ramsay tearing down some people who have no business making food. Man, I love Gordon Ramsay.

And once again, if you’re going on Hell’s Kitchen, learn how to make risotto and Beef Wellington. They’re going to be on the menu. They always are. Perfect your freaking risotto! If you’re going to go on Survivor, learn how to start a fire. If you’re going on The Amazing Race, learn to drive a stick shift and read a map. For cry pete…

Sidenote: Mysterious Don and I have talked about going on Amazing Race. Our gimmick will be “Bloggers – Have Never Met”. That sounds awesome, but this is how I picture our first meeting at the starting line:

DON: So, do you know any other languages?
EJ: Nope.
DON: Can you drive a stick? Are you good with navigation?
EJ: Nope.
DON: Are you actually good at anything that might come up during the Race?
EJ: …No.
DON: Any irrational fears that might hamper your performance?
EJ: Oh, yeah.

--After a rough start, Beauty and the Geek is picking up. I really didn’t like the “Versus” format they used that at the beginning of the season. (Though the Flag Football game was pretty awesome.) But once they paired up, everything was happy again.

I can’t stand Cowboy Joe, with his collection of tics that substitute for a personality. I mean, I sort of get that. I know it’s easier to put on a costume and assume the ready-made traits that come with it rather than put yourself out there and run the risk of being rejected for who you are rather than for the image that you’re displaying. Still, not only does his façade bug me, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that what’s beneath it is still irksome.

It seems weird to me that they keep telling us that the geeks are all “geniuses”. You can actually be a geek and not be terribly bright. As Milhouse pointed out, “I’m not a nerd. Nerds are smart.” Being socially retarded and being smart are not necessarily direct correlations. I mean, from what I can see, I’m smarter than some of those guys. I realize the “Beauty/Brains” premise doesn’t hold up if the people without beauty also only have average intelligence.

And I’ve been assured that this is a coincidence, but last night, right after the “Geek Makeover” episode, a friend of mine offered to take me shopping for clothes. She claimed the offer wasn’t inspired by the episode, and I really have no reason not to believe her. Still, the timing was pretty funny.

--Remember to head over and read yourselves some spunkybean. We’re awesome, dammit!

I liked Leatherheads! Screw you!

2008-04-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

--Yeah, I liked George Clooney's Leatherheads a whole lot. I'm pretty easy, I'll admit. It's Clooney, John Krasinski, and it's written by Rick Reilly. (I don't know a damn thing about sports, but I follow his work pretty closely.) Plus, I'm a sucker for the 20's and 30's -- possibly because Sam and I enjoy talking fast-paced early 20th Century slang, but my reasons are my own. Anyway, I really dug it. Don't care much for Renee Zellweger, with her being all boring and squnity, but she gave it her best. You know who would have been good in that role? Lauren Graham. I think she'd rock in a period comedy. Granted, I tend to think that everything is made better by the presence of Lauren Graham, but I think that would be an ideal fit.

What I like about Clooney is that all three movies he's directed have been completely different genres. I still love Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, and I admire the way that he very deliberately made it very hard to direct. He pulls all these tricks that are really just there so he can show off, and it adds to the addled story. Good Night, and Good Luck is a textbook example of how to make white guys talking to each other at length stay interesting and visually involving. He almost seems like a classic director who started out in the 70's where he hops genres and just doesn't get pigeonholed. People just don't do that anymore. Everybody's so concerned with developing an identifiable style, and Clooney really doesn't do that. He's much more interested in storytelling than in having some tic that clues you in that it's a George Clooney project.

Man, that guy's awesome!

--I didn't really want to spend two consecutive posts on superhero movies. Let's face it, I really only have about three things I can talk about with any authority, and I want to try and rotate them so it's not so obvious. Still, the teaser posters for The Spirit are really making me die inside.

See, Will Eisner's Spirit is one of the greatest characters ever. And I'd put Eisner in as one of the top three most important American cartoonists. (With Jack Kirby and Charles Schulz, on the off chance that you care.) I desperately want a Spirit movie to be good. But Frank Miller is the producer and creative force, and that's not good. I know Miller's a big name in Hollywood, and we could debate the merits of Sin City and 300 all day, but whether you like his work or not, his style is completely antithetical to Eisner's.

The teasers already make it clear that Miller is playing up the noir aspects. First off, it's a mistake to reduce the Spirit to that genre. For me, the stories that stand out the most are the globetrotting adventures and the lighthearted exercises in creative storytelling. Even when he went noir, it was always with a wink. And then, Miller fundamentally misunderstands the genre. He thinks it's all about darkness and violence, but classically, noir is about a basically good man pushed to brutal actions. Miller's characters are mean bastards for whom brutality is a first choice, not a last resort. That's not the Spirt. Denny Colt could deal out a beating, but it's certainly not what he's known for. And those posters: "The city screams. She is my lover. And I am her Spirit." Wow. That's like the crappiest Batman dialogue ever written. (Well, second. Miller still has the crown there with "What are you, retarded? I'm the goddamn Batman.") Anyway, that's awful Batman dialogue. The Spirit is a fundamentally different creation, and it sounds incredibly out of character.

This movie will either be a hit, and create a mainstream image of the Spirit that's completely out of sorts with everything that's good about the character, or it will flop and everybody's going to think that the Spirit sucks. I don't want to see either one. Sure, Miller might get over himself and actually get it right. That's what I'm going to hope for. But if he gets it wrong, it's absolutely going to break my heart.

All right. Next time I'll talk about something that is not superhero-related. Promise.

Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

2008-04-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

--NBC managed to rock my world with their renewals of 30 Rock and Friday Night Lights (I'm watching the first season DVD's, and I love them.), but my brain exploded with the announcement of a spinoff of The Office. Now, I know full well that most spinoffs kind of suck. Still, The Simpsons is a spinoff. The Colbert Report is a spinoff. And Greg Daniels will be involved. You know who doesn't make bad television? Greg Daniels doesn't. My only fear is that they'll pull a character out of the Scranton branch to headline the new show.

Dwight, obviously, could lead his own series. I would absolutely watch a series where he and Cousin Mose run an inn on their beet farm. But I'd hate to see him leave the mothership. The chemistry is so perfect that losing a character would destroy the balance. I have a lot of faith in the writers, and based on the Season Three DVD commentaries, where they seem pretty unhappy with having Jim over at the Stamford branch for the first part of the season, I think they know full well what the total loss of one of the characters would do.

I think a show focusing on Darryl and the warehouse staff would really be good, as well as providing an environment that was different enough from the main show. But then we'd be limited to seeing Michael and Darryl interactions for sweeps month crossovers, and that would be no fun at all. A show starring Karen, set at the Utica branch, has potential, but I don't see the purpose for a second workplace comedy set at a paper comedy. Sure, the energy would be different, but it would be too hard to distinguish from the main show. If they lost the documentary style for the spinoff, it could open up possibilities. I think a show about Karen rebuilding her personal and professional life would work. Plus, I desperately want Rashida Jones on my TV every week, and the both of us can do better than Unhitched.

Right now, if NBC put a gun to my head and made me come up with a concept, I think I'd pitch a show about Roy. David Denmore is really funny, and Roy is an interesting character. A show about a blue collar workplace would be different from the main series, and yet allow for a similar style of humor. Or, if Jan ends up leaving Michael, Melora Hardin could certainly lead a new series. There's a lot of room for greatness, and they've certainly earned our trust by now.

There's already a rumor that Will Arnett will be involved with the spinoff, by the way. And that, my friends, is the best news ever.

--In other news, FOX renewed King of the Hill for a 13th season. Sweet! Sure, they only ordered 13 episodes, but they haven't had a full-length season since Season Eight. I was worried that this would be the final season, and the Writer's Strike would prevent any kind of finale.

I'll admit, King has been showing its age, but it's still capable of greatness. A few of this season's episodes have suffered from unclear resolutions and rushed storytelling, but this season has seen a few great episodes, and even the mediocre episodes include some really funny jokes and well-observed character bits. Hank and the rest have plenty of life in them yet.

By the way, while I have never been the harshest critic of The Simpsons, I think last week's episode was really good. I didn't recognize the writer, which is usually a bad sign, but Lisa's ballet class and the temptation of smoking really worked. It was a good, relatable plot that hadn't been done a hundred times before, and it had some fantastic one-liners and good physical comedy. You can still count on the new episodes to provide some good laughs, but midway thought last week, Sam and I were already talking about how good the episode was. Good job, guys! Thanks for the reminder that I've been backing the winning horse for nineteen years now.

--I'll have to write more about the new season of Hell's Kitchen later, but I think we can all agree that it is awesome. Also, I think Gordon Ramsay's disguise made him look like the love child of Bono and Neil from The Young Ones. Just putting that out there.

Big and Huge Don't Begin to Cover It

2008-04-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

--Today is the day! The big day! The one we marked on our calendars! John from Cincinnati is out on DVD today! All ten episodes to absorb and pore over. And of course, I'll get mad at HBO all over again, but I've learned to accept that this is the tone my life will take.

I just picked up my set, and it is a thing of beauty. I like that HBO's finally switching over to the individual slimcases in the box. They did that with Season 4 of The Wire, too. I find that packaging to be more convenient. Although I really do love the packaging of the Deadwood sets, which are packaged in a really sturdy box. Those things will stop a bullet!

Interestingly, the packaging doesn't call it either "The Complete First Season" or "The Complete Series". I've decided that since it's not actually billed as "The Complete Series", that leaves the door open for a miracle. I'm also excited about David Milch's commentary tracks on the first and last episodes. I can't imagine he'll give anything away, but at the very least I want to find out what parts of the series he finds the most significant for understanding it. There's also a feature on the making of Episode Six's dream sequence, which was one of the most insane and fascinating things I've seen in a long time.

I think I'll probably turn the set into a marathon viewing over the weekend. Just try and stop me from saying "I don't know Butchie instead" at every opportunity.

--Is it just me, or is Warner Bros. kind of stingy with that Dark Knight trailer? I haven't seen it in theaters more than a couple of times, and I go to a lot of movies. Sure, I've watched it online a dozen times, but you know how that goes. Did they pull back because of Heath Ledger? Or am I just not seeing the right movies?

I will say that the Iron Man trailer has me completely geeked. Iron Man is one of those characters I always like better in theory than in practice, but the trailer certainly looks like it encompasses everything I like about the character. I try to stay spoiler-free, so I didn't even realize who the villain was going to be until the most recent round of ads. See, the problem is that there are no good Iron Man villains. He's got a collection of lames, many of whom are so rooted in the Cold War that they have no shelf life whatsoever. Hell, his major enemy is the Mandarin, who's pretty racist, when you get down to it. Any character who was ever associated with the phrase "Yellow Peril" needs to be rethought.

Anyway, it looks like John Malkovich is playing Obadiah Stane, who's an interesting choice. Sure, he's not a major part of Iron Man mythology, since he's been dead for 20+ years now. I like the angle of going with a corporate villain, though. All in all, I'm pretty excited for this one.

I also saw the trailer for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in Baby Mama, which sounds like the title of one of Tracy Jordan's movies, but it looks really funny. Of course, I'll watch Tina Fey in anything, but I think this'll be good. And you could not pay me to see Sex and the City. Just the trailer makes me hurt in a way that I can't fully express. Hey, you know which HBO series would make for a better movie that Sex and the City? ALL OF THEM. Maybe not Arlis$, but everything else.

--Hell's Kitchen starts tonight! I don't know why it's on Tuesday nights in the spring, when it's usually a Monday show in the summer, but having seen every episode of all of his various British series, I need some more Gordon Ramsay.

I wish I could thematically tie all of these short bits together for a conclusion, but I've got nothing. I'm a hack.

Judy, Zapp, and Chuck

2008-03-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

--Yes, the All-Pilot Project has been languishing, largely due to a spate of pilots I couldn't stand. I think I'm going to do a mass review this weekend. If you think I can devote more than a few minutes to Unhitched or Lipstick Jungle, you clearly have an unrealistic idea of my attention span. And this is my attention span that we're talking about. I've been known to spend 45 minutes looking for evidence of Photoshop on a Steak 'n' Shake placemat. Unhitched was especially bad, I thought. It actually had some funny situations, but the jokes and reactions weren't funny at all. Rashida Jones deserves better, and I really want her to return to The Office in a recurring role, sort of like Ryan's.

On the other hand, ABC's Miss Guided is awesome. They keep playing up producer Ashton Kutcher's involvement, but don't let that scare you. Judy Greer (who rocks) plays Becky Freely, a high school guidance conunselor. She is, as you'd expect from Judy Greer, awkward and odd. I'm not familiar with most of the supporting cast, but Chris Parnell (best known as Dr. Leo Spaceman) has a great part. This one gets a full review later, because I loved it. Four more episodes this season, two each this Thursday and next. EJ says to watch it. Or else write a damn good excuse explaining why not.

--Myndi and I are recapping Dancing with the Stars over at spunkybean. As cynical as I am, I am just absolutely floored by Marlee Matlin. We've heard so many contestants talk about how proud they are that they went outside their comfort zones, and here we have a woman who is dancing on live network television, and is also deaf. We're not talking old, we're not talking about somebody who just somebody who hade a baby. We're talking somebody who can not hear. I would be impressed with her even if she sucked, but she's doing really well, with all 8's for her first two dances. Once again, can't get excited about American Idol, but I just get all giddy about my Dancing.

--New Futurama action figures are out! The new batch consists of Leela and Zapp Brannigan. Both figures look fantastic, although they have significantly less articulation than the Fry figure. Joints at the shoulders and neck, basically. But they're meant for display anyway. I'm impressed with Leela, because her hair doesn't make sense in three dimensions. They cheated her bangs (not really bangs, but I don't know how to describe cartoon hair) a little to the side, and it really makes the design work. Leela comes with a couple of guns, which look like re-uses from the old MAC line. Strangely, she does not come with Nibbler. How do you leave Nibbler out? Still, the MAC Nibbler (and his litterbox) are in scale with the new releases, so I'm OK. People without the older figures are short a Nibbler, though. Zapp, for his first time as an action figure, is swell. He's got a great pose and all the details are just perfect. Best of all, his accessories are a podium and the head of Earth President Richard Nixon. Nixon fits perfectly on the podium, and he looks exactly like the Futurama Nixon. Possibly the greatest accessory ever. Next time out, we get Bender and Kiff. The Planet Express crew is looking a little bit lonely without Bender.

--And in delightful Nerd News, DC is publishing a Chuck comic book this summer. Six issues, written by one of the show's writers (Sadly, not Phil Klemmer. But you can't have everything.), this should fill the Chuck-shaped hole in my heart. Not something I was expecting, but I'm quite excited.

Three weeks until I go on vacation! Not that anybody will notice, because my blogging has been haphazard lately. Nonetheless, I'm excited. Can't you people be happy for me?

Hey, SNL Stopped Sucking!

2008-03-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, that's four episodes since Saturday Night Live came back from the Strike, and none of them have sucked. I mean, they've actually been consistently strong. Who knew that was still possible?

Sure, with Tina Fey, Ellen Page, Amy Adams, and Jonah Hill as hosts, I'm pretty well on board to begin with. But still, I haven't fast-forwarded a sketch in four weeks. A strong cast, sharp writing, well-utilized hosts, this is strange and confusing to me. I used to be able to zip through an episode in about 30 minutes. Sure, not every sketch has been gold, but there hasn't been anything painful either.

They seem to have phased out Talk Show sketches. A couple of years ago, every other sketch was somebody hosting a talk show. One of those per week is pushing it, so four or five in one episode is sheer punishment. If I remember correctly, the only one we've seen so far is The Dakota Fanning Show, but that's actually pretty funny. It's a one-joke sketch, but it's a funny joke. The Digital Shorts have been funny, Weekend Update has been sharp, the endlessly recurring characters have been kept to a minimum.

I do have one complaint. See, I love Kristen Wiig. She makes every sketch better just by being awesome. Unfortunately, they've beaten the Penelope character into the ground. The first few times it was hilarious. And it's still a funny performance, but every sketch has the exact same arc. If they're going to keep using her, they need to toss her into new situations, or maybe have her pass through other sketches. They don't have to do the same sketch over and over. I think she'd work better as a Mr. Show-style recurring character, like Senator Tankerbell or Droopy. They appeared multiple times, but generally they weren't the focus of the scene. And now I shall never criticise Kristen Wiig again.

I think it's interesting the way the media latched on to the political sketches. See, I don't think they were as pro-Hillary as everybody made them out to be. I think that focusing the sketches on the media's treatment of the candidates let them give Barack Obama a pass entirely. Hillary comes off as brittle and mildly insane, the media looks like a bunch of fawning dopes, and then Obama doesn't really have to say or do anything. I think it's people who support Obama trying to be evenhanded. At least, that's how it came off to me. But what do I know? I just think it was a mistake for Hillary to keep citing sketches that make her look like a crazy lady.

Regardless, four non-sucky episodes! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Crossing My Fingers

2008-03-14T04:25:00.001-07:00

--Tonight is the premiere of FOX's The Return of Jezebel James. Now, this show is created by Amy Sherman-Palladino (creator of Gilmore Girls, and thus, a saint). It stars Parker Posey (True Story: While watching Superman Returns, Swear Jar Buddy Sam turned to me during a Posey scene and said "I would murder you and everybody I know for the chance to smell her hair.") and Lauren Ambrose (Who is not a selling point for me as much as for others. I found Claire to be absolutely unbearable right around Season Four of Six Feet Under, and her character never fully recovered), so one would think this should be really good and not something that FOX would bury on Friday nights. Right?

Well, the reviews have been absolutely toxic. Until spunkybean goes legit, I don't get to see preview copies of anything, so I've got nothing to go on, but the word of mouth is absolutely terrible. This just breaks my heart. I'm still going to watch it, because sometimes people are full of crap. Still, the distaste has been wide-ranging. I really want Amy to knock it out of the park a second time, so my fingers are crossed.

On a semi-related note, is that Lauren Graham doing voiceover for the American Express Plum Card? I'm pretty sure that's her. And you know what? There is no good reason for her not to be on my television on a weekly basis. Get on that, entertainment industry!

--As you may know, my weekly Lost essays are over at the aforementioned spunkybean. However, there's something I mentioned that I want to bounce off people. According to the promos, the Oceanic Six have now been revealed. This means that Baby Aaron counts among the Six. I've been arguing that he shouldn't count, since he wasn't actually on the plane so much as inside Claire while she was on the plane. So yes, I was wrong. But, last night's episode hinged on believing that both Sun and Jin were among the Six. So I was wrong, but I was wrong in a way that the show needed me to be in order to sucker me with yet another surprise ending. I'm almost proud of myself for helping them out like that.

I Display My Shame...

2008-03-11T14:09:00.001-07:00

Are you guys ready to be horrified? Mysterious Don keeps his TiVo list running off to the side of his blog, proudly proclaiming to all and sundry that he’s recording both Breaking Bad and The Backyardigans. Don’t even try and figure out what’s going on his head – it’s a freaking snakepit!

Anyway, I feel like we’ve been at this a while, so I feel like I can safely present you with my current DVR recording list. Now, some of these shows aren’t currently airing, so it’s not like I’m watching this all every week. On the other hand, certain reality shows change their title every season, so the ones that aren’t airing right now aren’t included. You won’t see The Amazing Race on there, because my DVR lists it by season. When Season 13 hits the schedule, I’ll add it. And to make matters worse, FX and HBO tend to make my DVR explode, since they often mark every airing of a new episode during the week as being “New”, so it records every time. Shows on those networks, I have to record them manually off the guide. I’ll list them at the end, just to give you a fuller picture of the extent of my sickness. I'll also list the Adult Swim shows that I manually record, since they're not airing new episodes currently, and I have to keep the number blow 50, or else the DVR starts judging me.

Those of you with weak stomachs or an overly-developed sense of pity should look away.

1. Lost -- Maybe I haven't mentioned it, but I'm a fan...
2. The Office
3. Big Brother 9 -- So much better since they broke up the pairs. I've fallen in love again.
4. Heroes
5. 30 Rock
6. The Simpsons
7. My Name is Earl
8. Scrubs
9. House
10. Celebrity Apprentice -- So entertaining I can almost hardly eat my pineapple.
11. King of the Hill
12. Dancing with the Stars
13. Chuck
14. 24 - Yes, I know we're not getting any new episodes until next January. Do you want to be the one to tell Jack Bauer he's losing his slot?
15. South Park
16. The Sarah Silverman Program
17. Frisky Dingo
18. Venture Bros.
19. Survivor: Micronesia
20. Kitchen Nighmares
21. Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares -- Yes, I record the American and British versions.
22. Project Runway
23. How I Met Your Mother
24. The Daily Show
25. The Colbert Report
26. Reaper -- The new timeslot opposite Lost and Apprentice is seriously vexing me.
27. Shaq’s Big Challenge -- I haven't heard news of a second season, but I need to be ready.
28. American Gladiators
29. Mad Men
30. Breaking Bad
31. Burn Notice
32. Pushing Daisies -- I just realized how much I miss this show. Not coming back until September, either. I'll even take the narration, just to have the Pie Hole back.
33. Home Movies
34. Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace -- Sure, there are only six episodes, and I've already burned them to DVD. I'll stop recording them as soon as they stop cracking me up.
35. The Drinky Crow Show -- There's only a pilot so far, and the regular series doesn't start until 2009, but I'm supporting my guys.
36. Space Ghost: Coast to Coast -- This has been off the air for years, but every once in a blue moon, Adult Swim slips in a rerun. I don't want to miss it when that happens.
37. Reno 911!
38. Dirty Sexy Money
39. Hell’s Kitchen
40. Dirty Jobs
41. Carpoolers -- I suspect we've seen the last of this series, but it stays on this list until I have confirmation.
42. Top Chef -- For those of you paying attention, this is the fourth cooking show in the lineup. Apparently, I'm Bobby Hill.
43. Xavier: Renegade Angel -- I can't decide if this show is good or not. I'm not even sure if they're striving for insight or mocking such endeavors. I like the visual design and the philosophical wordplay, and I think it's funny, but I don't know if I'm laughing at the right things.
44. Bones -- A guilty pleasure, but it's generally pretty clever. Plus, Emily Deschanel is so darn pretty.
45. Saturday Night Live
46. Late Night with Conan O'Brien
47. Beauty and the Geek -- I do not care for this season's "Vs." format, but I'll give it some time. It is only a matter of time before I get the call from Swear Jar Buddy Lana, who will tell me which geek reminds her of me.

Manually Recorded:
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Flight of the Conchords
The Shield
Nip/Tuck
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia -- I came in late on this one, but Don and Ben double-teamed me until I broke.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force -- This new season has been fantastic, by the way!
Metalocalypse
Lucy, Daughter of the Devil

You guys, I'm sick.

The All-Pilot Project: My Dad is Better than Your Dad

2008-03-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

My Dad is Better than Your Dad
NBC, Monday

THE PREMISE: Apparently kids brag about the superiority of their dads? Is that something kids do? Whatever.

THE PERSONNEL: Hosted by fame barnacle Dan Cortese. For the life of me, I can’t remember what it is that he was famous for at one time. I remember an episode of Seinfeld, and I remember Burger King commercials. But there’s something he was famous for, right? Maybe he hosted something on MTV. At this point, Dan Cortese is the only one who can tell us what Dan Cortese is famous for.

THE REVIEW: This is one of those shows that vexes me, because I can’t figure out who the target audience could possibly be. Is this something kids would watch? I’m not certain that it is.

It’s kind of like an old Nickelodeon game show, actually. Little kids are paired with their fathers, who compete in various contests of strength, wits, and agility. And this means you get to enjoy the spectacle of grown men running around like idiots while their children scream at them to go faster. If it doesn’t make you die inside, then, my friend, you are already dead.

Even if your kid is a pretty decent kid overall, the moment they scream at you on national television to go faster and throw harder, they become an insufferable brat. I’ve got enough problems with people’s real-life bratty kids without having to deal with them on TV. And it seems to me that, as a parent, you have ceded a certain degree of your authority once you agree to participate in this contest. It’s just a weird dynamic, and I think it probably does more harm than good.

In addition to the physical challenges, there’s a round of kid-oriented trivia, only the dads have to answer the questions. The kids ring in if they think their father knows, but every kid rings in on every question. Kids don’t know anything about strategy. Also, their questions are easy and thus, boring.

Even more boring is the final round with the winning Dad answering trivia questions about his child. Minutiae are only interesting when related to people or things that interest me. I don’t care what some brat’s favorite food is. I’m sure it’s all adorable to people who actually know the kids on the show, but the rest of us are never going to care.

THE VERDICT: Man, did this suck. Boring and stupid, and it made me feel bad about the state of today’s youth and their parents. I’m just going to pretend it’s already cancelled, if nobody minds.

Whither TWOP?

2008-03-07T17:33:00.001-08:00

--One of my favorite websites ever is Television Without Pity. I haven't been following it as psychotically as I used to, partly because of my work schedule, partly because I spend so much time writing about TV or reading my fellow spunkybean writers. I still check it on a regular basis, and I'll probably spend some serious time there over the summer.

Anyway, they got bought by Bravo last year, which really did work out well for all concerned. TWOP could afford to cover a much broader array of shows, and Bravo didn't seem to interfere editorially. Still, today it was announced that the founders are leaving the site. That makes me sad, and I don't know if there's more to the story or not. Sure, Sars, Wing Chun, and Glark didn't do all that much recapping, but they were such a strong editorial presence. (And does this mean no more Glarkware? I love Glarkware!)

I really hope there's not some sort of behind-the-scenes tension, but for all three to leave at once, it has to make you wonder. Regardless, I wish them the best and I have all the respect in the world for the way they turned a tiny little operation into one of the best entertainment sites on the Web.

--Speaking of, I've mentioned spunkybean about a hundred times now. And I really do feel badly about the way I've neglected the Swear Jar lately, but between the Writer's Strike and trying to contribute to two sites, it's been tough. Once Celebrity Apprentice wraps up, I'll have more time, as those recaps are seriously time-consuming.

Anyway, this spunkybean thing is really turning into something cool. Long-time blog buddies Mysterious Don and Myndi have been rocking their respective features, and there are all sorts of writers there who are doing really great work. It's just a great atmosphere of creative people with a nice variety of interests and styles. For my part, I've got weekly Lost analysis (and we can all agree that this season is awesome, right?) and the aformentioned Celebrity Apprentice. If you find me even vaguely amusing, you should read the Apprentice write-ups, as they're just about the most fun I have all week. And in a couple of weeks, Myndi and I will be tag-teaming Dancing with the Stars. Dude, Penn Jillette is going to be dancing! If that doesn't have you giggling already, you're dead inside.

--So, I haven't been doing the Big Brother Report this season. I'm still watching and marvelling at it, but I find so many of these people to be completely useless. Everybody appears to be either dumb, psychotic, and skanky. Breaking up the couples may help, since now there's individual strategy, rather than eliminating people who are saddles with awful partners.

I'd rather not even go into it, but if you do any research on Joshuah, you will be disturbed. This dude's got all sorts of stuff going on. Seriously, you're probably better off taking my word for it than opening that Pandora's box.

--We've established that I'm no fan of Survivor host Jeff Probst. He's gradually gone from "smarmy" to "butthole". This season, the guy's been unbearable. First off, he's totally biased toward the Favorites. I think he assumes that they're all buddies. Also, you can tell he would really rather the show just be about dudes hitting each other. He's awfully contemptuous of the women. Dude's always kind of surprised when women are able to affect the game. And I am so tired of him trying to influence votes at Tribal Council. Even the Chenbot doesn't pull that crap.

I think he pushed me over the edge this week when he excitedly announced the specifics of the injuries incurred during the reward challenge. And seriously, who designed that? People pulling each by ropes through a thicket of logs? The only way to make that more dangerous is to have people shooting at them. They're lucky nobody got a concussion, really. Way to go Probst, injuries are awesome!

--But on a happier note, John from Cincinnati comes out on DVD on April 1. It makes me sad to think that it will be labelled "The Complete Series" rather than "The Complete First Season", but we have to take what we can get. I am going to watch the hell out of that set!

Slideshow! This Blog's in it!

2008-03-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

--I'm late to the party on this one, but I've just realized that Frisky Dingo might be the greatest thing ever. When Adult Swim is on, man, are they on. This might actually be challenging Venture Bros. for the top spot in my heart, and I feel a little dirty saying that. It's ostensibly a superhero series, only there isn't really any action. There's a villain who wants to destroy the world on a budget, and a billionaire superhero, but they spend most of their time getting forced into sweatshops or hanging out in the emergency room. And in the second season, running for President. It's absolutely absurd and hilarious and I love it so much. I love the insanely complicated plotting, as well as the way they're willing to just bail on a plot when it outlives its usefulness. The first season is coming out on DVD this month, and you need to buy it and watch it and then write to me so we can talk about it.

--Only one episode left for The Wire. I'm just crushed to think that there won't be a happy ending. Of couse, it wouldn't be true to the series if it were. Still, I want some of my guys to head off into the sunset with a win under their belts. I'm just devastated for Lester to see how his case is going to fall apart. McNulty, much as I love the guy, is a self-serving prick who revels in his own bad decisions. Lester is a good man whose only mistake was getting too emotionally involved with the case. The one bright spot for me is that Bubbles looks like he might be clean for good now. If something happens to him in the finale, I will absolutely lose my mind.

The worst part about The Wire ending is that there are more stories to tell. At some point, the story of Lost will be told, and the book will close. There isn't an end to The Wire. Sure, some of them won't live to see another day, and some of them will be swept under the rug and forgotten. But Bunk's going to work another murder, and another one after that. If Lester manages to keep his career, he's going to keep on building cases. Bubbles is going to have to fight to stay clean for the rest of his life. Prez will keep fighting the good fight in the schools. It doesn't have to be over.

Between Homicide, The Corner, and The Wire, I've spent 15 years in David Simon's version of Baltimore. That's more time than I spent in Deadwood, Stars Hollow, the newsroom at WNYX, or even Arlen, Texas. It's weird to think about how it's coming to an end.

--Seriously, if you're not watching Breaking Bad, you're missing out. I'm still kind of torn up from last night's episode, so I'll get into it later. You're also missing out if you're not reading spunkybean, because it's awesome. More than 500 readers on my last Lost write-up, which I suspect means that Mysterious Don was sending out mass e-mails that promised hot girl-on-girl action. Read it so you'll understand all of my new comedy catchphrases. I can almost hardly eat my pineapple, after all.

And Belzer Makes it Eight!

2008-02-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

--I know that nobody cares how much I love The Wire, but it's a lot. Last week, I squealed with delight as Richard Belzer made a brief cameo as his Homicide character, John Munch. That's eight series where he's played Munch, and it means that The Wire now exists in the same continuity as Arrested Development and The X-Files. If only Bubbles could get a job at the banana stand...

--So, it's not like I've got anything bad to say about Tina Fey ever, but her episode of Saturday Night Live pretty well rocked the joint. This was the first episode in probably two years where I didn't fast-forward at least one sketch. Sure, the "I Drink Your Milkshake" never really went anywhere, but at least Bill Hader's performance was funny. And I'll tell you right now, the "Annuale" ad is going to show up in their prime-time clip shows for the next ten years.

--My Oscar thoughts will be up on spunkybean soon, but the one thing I want to say here is that I realized during the show that I liked Enchanted so much better than There Will Be Blood. That's right, I said it. Also, if I ever were to meet Amy Adams in person, I would just giggle like an idiot until she got all uncomfortable and walked away.

--I'll review it later this week, but I just watched the premiere of My Dad is Better than Your Dad, and if you go on this show, you're a bad parent. You're a bad parent, and your kid's going to grow up to be a prick unless Mom steps in and fixes things.

I have to go watch last night's episodes of The Wire and Breaking Bad. It's a feel-good evening of TV all around!

The All-Pilot Project -- Welcome to the Captain

2008-02-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Captain
CBS, Monday, 8:30

THE PREMISE: A guy moves into a Hollywood apartment building with all sorts of wacky tenants. It’s not a good sign when you can’t state the premise without using the word ‘wacky’.

THE PERSONNEL: Chris Klein plays the lead character’s best friend, and he’s trying so hard to be Neil Patrick Harris that your heart will die a little. I know Barney Stinson, American Pie dude, and you are no Barney Stinson. Raquel Welch plays a former Dynasty star, which is weird and random. And our beloved Pop-pop, Jeffrey Tambor, plays Uncle Sol. I love Jeffrey Tambor!

THE REVIEW: I can sort of admire this show, as they’re definitely trying to do something that’s quirky and fast-paced. They fail more often than not, but I admire the attempt.

The lead character, Josh Flug (trying way too hard for a funny name) is a struggling screenwriter. When he moves into El Capitan with his friend Marty. Hey, that even sounds a little like Barney. Dammit, show! Stop ripping off a better show.

Of course, he falls in love with a masseuse who lives in the building, and the premise of the series is firmly established. On the one hand, that’s about the most worn-out setup for a sitcom since smart-mouth kids were invented. On the other hand, the masseuse in question is really pretty. That goes a long way toward balancing it out.

They’re trying too hard to set up any number of hilarious characters. That kind of thing has to come naturally, you can’t cram them all into every episode and hope some of them stick. Every character has some kind of a bit, which may be funny once (but not necessarily), but without anything to back up their tics, all you get is the one joke.

Jeffrey Tambor, at least, is reliably funny. His character, who insists on being called “Uncle Sol”, is a former Three’s Company writer. He mentions that as often as possible, and brings unrelated discussions back to Three’s Company at the drop of a hat. And the real genius? He always calls the show “T. Co.”! Like it’s the hip nickname for Three’s Company. It’s stupid, but also really funny. Tambor sells the character, and “T. Co.” is kind of addictive. It sort of makes me want people to bring up Three’s Company.

THE VERDICT: It’s decent, but not great. Certainly watchable, if only for Tambor and the pretty masseuse. Not going on the “Record All” list, but I’m not going to run away screaming either. I think it actually could be a gateway sitcom. It’s mildly quirky, and it moves fast enough that it could lead people to Arrested Development and 30 Rock. That’s right, I’m praising it for the possibility that it could lead people to better shows. That’s something, isn’t it?

The All-Pilot Project -- The Moment of Truth

2008-02-19T19:13:00.000-08:00

The Moment of Truth
FOX

THE PREMISE: Strap a person to a lie detector, ask them embarrassing personal questions, and then give them money for telling the truth. Yeah. FOX is squirting class all over our televisions.

THE PERSONNEL: The best we get is host Mark Wahlberg. No, not the cool one. Mark L. Wahlberg, host of Temptation Island.

THE REVIEW: First off, I’m running late. This has already been pushed off the air by American Idol. It’s not like you were going to watch it anyway.

Now the obvious problem is that lie detectors are not 100% accurate. There’s a reason they aren’t admissible in court – they don’t measure whether you’re telling the truth. They measure how you react to a question. If you have a strong emotional reaction to a question, your answer will register as a lie, no matter how you answer. So, you know, you can’t actually win at this show. If they ask a question that bothers you, or has a more complex answer than “True” or “False”, you’re a liar.

Interestingly (and I use the word loosely), they aren’t actually attached to the lie detector when they’re on the show. Contestants are asked questions ahead of time, and the lie detector results from that session are the ones used. So not only do the contestants know what questions will be used on television, they have time to re-think their answers. That’s going to skew the results. That really should irritate me, but I don’t care.

This is the kind of show FOX used to air years ago, the ones we all look back at and ask “Was that an actual show? On TV? In America?” The premise is stupid. The pacing is glacial. The production values are public-access level. I don’t even have anything to say, and anyway, it’s already gone.

THE VERDICT: We’re done with this. Stupid show. Hey, did you know that the writer who created Wonder Woman also invented the lie detector? I bring that fact up often in my daily life.

Year Two Begins Here!

2008-02-18T07:36:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are at the beginning of my second year. I probably should have written something on my actual blogiversary, but I was celebrating. You know, living it up the way I do. I’ve kind of let things slide around here since spunkybean came along, but between my spiffy new computer and a better sense of what works there versus what works here, I think I should be able to get back on track. I plan to get caught up on the All-Pilot Project by the end of the week, and the first weekly Big Brother Report will show up, too. I didn’t do one last week because too many people didn’t really get enough screen time for me to form an opinion. Like, say, every blonde in the house. I can’t keep these people straight yet. (By the way, Myndi’s recapping Big Brother 9 for the ‘bean, and she’s hilarious as ever.)

I’m also going to try and link my specific spunkybean pieces, because quite frankly, I’m not nearly as popular as Mysterious Don, and it’s more than a little vexing. (Don, by the way, is rocking the American Idol recaps.) I’m doing weekly Lost and Celebrity Apprentice write-ups, so you should check those out. I figured out, based on my average word count, by the time the season is over, I’ll have written the equivalent of a novel about Celebrity Apprentice. I can’t decide if that’s the coolest thing about me or the saddest. It’s probably both.

--So, my Lost writing is primarily at spunkybean, but hasn’t this season been fantastic? Three episodes, three endings that have blown my mind. I love the addition of the Fantastic Foursome to the cast, especially Twitchy Daniel. (By the way, if any of them die, I will start referring to them as the Fantastic FTOMO, for “Four Times One Minus One”, because there’s never a time when a gratuitous Mr. Show reference isn’t funny.)

I can’t decide if I want Locke to be one of the Oceanic Six or not. I mean, he doesn’t want to leave the Island, but if he’s definitely alive in the future, then, you know, he’s definitely alive. I don’t think that the flash forwards represent the end of their story, by the way. If I had to guess, I’d say Season Five will end with them leaving the Island, while the flash-forwards in that same episode feature the Six returning to the Island and setting up the final season.

And I think I said this on spunkybean, but whoever was in the coffin last season is not one of the Six. Given their apparent celebrity, one of them would not have had an empty funeral. It has to be either an Other, somebody who was never on the Island, or possibly one of the Oceanic passengers who left the Island some other way (as Benry apparently did). Based on the size of the coffin, the lack of personal pronouns in the discussion of the funeral, and the way Jack almost caresses the coffin lid, I think it’s a woman in there. Specifically, I think it’s Juliet. I know it sounds crazy, but my old theory of Christian being Jacob is looking less and less crazy, isn’t it?

You know what’s even better than the brain-exploding revelation that Sayid is working for Benry in the future? (Will work for Benry in the future? Flash-forwards are tough on grammar.) It means Benry’s not dying anytime soon, and more Benry appearances mean more chances for somebody to actually call him ‘Benry’. When that happens, I am going to freak out.

--You know that spiffy new computer I mentioned? I’ve got high-speed Internet now! I have been using dial-up on a computer I bought in 1998, like some kind of caveman. It turns out, there are pictures and sound and even video on the Internet. Did you know about this? I thought it was all text and ASCII graphics.

--For those of you who’ve been actively concerned, I finally have some Wire friends. They’re not caught up all the way yet, but at least I have friends who are familiar with McNulty and Stringer Bell. I’m thrilled, but I actively dread their trip through Season Two. I’m not sure they can handle what happens to poor D’Angelo…

--The new Dancing with the Stars contestants are going to be announced on Tuesday! Myndi and I will be recapping the show for spunkybean – we’re sort of the Woodward and Bernstein of celebrity ballroom dancing. (Which I guess makes Mysterious Don “Deep Throat”. You know, because he’s mysterious. And also the porn.)

Stay tuned to the Swear Jar and spunkybean for all manner of foolishness in the very near future!

RIP, Steve Gerber

2008-02-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

One of my big influences passed away over the weekend.

Steve Gerber created Howard the Duck -- as a comic book, not the awful movie. He was as far away from the movie as a man could get. Howard was sort of an iconic figure in the 70's, and there's just not a good way to express how ahead of his time Steve Gerber was. Howard satirized political correctness and the Moral Majority before either one actually existed. I went through a serious obsession with his work in high school, a good 15-20 years after it was published.

Actually, Gerber was the first writer to scare the living hell out of me. Back when I was five or six years old, I had a bunch of audio comics. They were basically an issue of a Marvel comic book which included a 45 of actors reading the script. Like a low budget radio play. I loved those things. One of them, however, was an issue of Steve Gerber's Man-Thing. The lead character was a mindless swamp monster, and "Whatever know fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing". And of course, that's the only sensible response to a mindless swamp monster. Anyway, given the lead character's lack of personality or sentience, the series lent itself to morality plays and horror stories. The one that I had was about a clown who goes to the swamp to kill himself. I don't remember all the details, but the point is that the clown actually does blow his brains out with a handgun. Clowns are creepy anyway, but that's like the most damaging image I can think of. I couldn't even get through the record, but I could man up and read the comic. And it scared me shitless every single time.

Rest in peace, Steve. You screwed me up for life, and I thank you for it.

In Which I Go All Letterman On You...

2008-02-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

--Friday is my blogiversary. That's right, one year of this nonsense. I would like presents.

--So, I've got a new computer. This should help my productivity immensely. I've been using the old computer for ten years, and looking into the dictionary on Word is sort of a window into madness. See, I'm pretty good at spelling, but there are words I use often enough that it just made sense to add them to the dictionary, so I wouldn't get that damn red line all the time. Here, for your enjoyment, are the Top Ten Words I Added to My Dictionary. (Note: These are all real.)

10. Lostaway
9. Schrute
8. Craphole
7. Palladino
6. Aquaman
5. Butchie
4. Zapp Brannigan
3. Cyborg
2. Benry

And the number one word I've added to my dictionary:
1. Clusterfuck

Don't You Judge Me!

2008-02-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

This is a little embarrassing. See, I think my DVR staged an intervention. I set the upcoming Big Brother season to ‘Record All’, and it refused. Apparently, I can only have 50 entries in my Prioritizer. That’s right, I have FIFTY SHOWS set to record all episodes. True, I still have Shaq’s Big Challenge on there, but I want to be prepared in case Shaq works with another group of fat kids. I can’t miss that! And I have The Drinky Crow Show, which won’t have any more episodes until 2009, but I don’t want to run the risk of forgetting. It actually gets sadder when you realize there are several series I don’t put on there. Certain shows, usually on FX or Adult Swim, will record the same episode multiple times in a week, because all airings of an original episode are considered ‘New’. I have to manually select The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, otherwise the DVR records the same episode four times a day. And sure, I can convince myself that not all of my shows run at the same time of year. There are a bunch of summer shows on there, after all.

The fact remains, I have 50 series on my DVR as ‘Record All’. I can’t decide if that’s awesome, or the saddest thing ever. Either way, my DVR shouldn’t be the one to judge me. The DVR is a happy place – a place of welcoming.

By the way, this means I finally deleted Bionic Woman. I cut the cord, baby!

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2008-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

--It’s finally starting to look positive on the Strike front. It’s been reported that they’re close to a deal, and Jon Stewart actually mentioned the progress on The Daily Show Monday. I’ve heard that a quick settlement would allow them time to finish up another eight episodes of Lost for the season, and that’s really all I can ask for.

Sure, Chuck and House saved some episodes for a rainy day, but it’s really been a long time for some of my favorites. I’ve been without The Office for months now, and it’s wearing on me. I’m actually more comfortable being stuck with a cliffhanger (like Heroes or My Name is Earl) than an abrupt end. And if I don’t get some 30 Rock soon, I’m going to lose my mind. I’ve tried to stay positive this whole time, and I’ve found plenty of shows to occupy my time, but with the resolution imminent, I’m really starting to feel it. I’m watching boring and stupid John Connor and his boring and stupid robot friend on Monday, when I should be watching Hiro and Chuck and Jack Bauer and Barney Stinson.

I miss my TV friends.

--Speaking of the largely boring and stupid Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Monday’s episode represented a significant improvement. The Terminator who’s stalking them is now played by Garrett Dillahunt. People who are me know him as Dr. Smith on John from Cincinnati, and as both Jack McCall and Frances Woolcott on Deadwood. This officially makes him awesome.

--Well, the late night shows on Monday were fantastic! The Colbert/Conan feud has been hilarious all along, and having Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien, and Jon Stewart showing up on each other’s shows all night to fight was truly inspired. It’s like I’m their target audience or something.

--I really thought I’d have more to say, but it’s cold and I’m tired. I’ll try to be less lame in the future.

LOST Returns to a Grateful Nation

2008-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time blogging at end of the month due to my work schedule, but I have to assume we’re all very excited about tonight’s Lost premiere. Last night’s repeat of the Season Three finale whipped me into a frenzy, which I suppose was the intent.

However, those ‘onscreen facts’, as ABC called them, blew hard. I was expecting insights, but other than the anagram that we already figured out, and the fact that the surgeon in the flash-forward may be related to Bernard, there was nothing. A lot of recapping of the season, a few lame jokes, and an occasional incorrect statement. “Jack’s not much of a drinker.” Really? What was he doing when we met him? Oh, yeah. He was begging the stewardess for more alcohol! Sure, he’s not a drunk like his dad, but we’ve seen him drinking often enough that you can’t go the ‘not much of a drinker’ route.

I liked the character-specific montage ads they’ve been running, which mostly serve to remind me just how much I like these guys. I object to using “Crazy” as Locke’s theme music for his ad, but when you run all those clips together, he doesn’t really look the opposite of crazy. Between the blowing things up and the orange peel, you could certainly make a case. I’d fight you to the death, of course, but you could make a case.

My recap and analysis will be on spunkybean tomorrow, along with plenty of other piercing pop-culture commentary. The spiffy new site design should be live, too. There’s probably more to say, but my employer insists on me getting actual work done. Stupid job. If only I could get paid for blogging. Anybody want to sponsor me? I’ll wear your logo on my clothing at all times…

Overthinking Chuck

2008-01-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

--For those of you who don’t study my comments section, the Mighty Colleen is going to be hanging drywall with Salt n’ Pepa for the next couple of days. Let’s all hope that she does something camera-worthy so that she makes it on to their reality show. I recommend picking a fight with Salt. Pepa was on Oz, after all. She stood up to Schillinger – she’s totally metal.

--I meant to mention this earlier, but I didn’t think anybody would care. And then I remembered that this whole blog is stuff that nobody but me cares about. Last Thursday, NBC aired two episodes of Chuck, which is always a happy time. I tend to think that the two episodes were out of production order, and should have been shown earlier in the season.

First off, there’s no mention of the new Intersect and Casey’s impending orders to kill Chuck. In fact, it seems unlikely that they’d even bother relocating him if he’d already outlived his usefulness. It seems like a fairly major plot point like that would be referenced. Also, Anna doesn’t appear in either episode. She’s not a regular or anything, but the second episode spent a lot of time at the Buy-More, and with her increased profile in the previous episodes, you’d think she’d have a scene or two.

I have a feeling they were pulled from the order just to make sure that the Christmas episode closed out the first batch of episodes. (Not every show wants to be like House and air their Christmas episode a month late.) These two episodes were mostly stand-alone, so they would be fairly easy to hold off and run later. I think they were supposed to air right after Harry Tang’s departure, but before the Rachel Bilson episodes.

The only hitch is that Ellie and Captain Awesome got engaged in the second episode, and I don’t remember that being mentioned anywhere else. Of course, if it had been mentioned, I don’t necessarily think I would have noticed. It’s not like they had discussed not being engaged, so I would have just accepted it.

Anyway, this has no bearing on anything, but it’s the sort of thing I think about all the time.

--My DVR tells me that there’s no new Project Runway this week. Why is that? It’s maddening. They already took three weeks off for the holidays. Are they trying to get the finale to match up with the actual Bryant Park show? Is it possible that they started airing the season before they’d gotten down to the finals? Why must Rami wait all this extra time just to win?

--Actual conversation I had yesterday:
CO-WORKER: Dude, Monday night. Gladiators.
ME: Sweet.
(High-five)
It was only later that I realized that neither of us was joking. I am enjoying American Gladiators more than I can really justify. I can’t tell whether my standards have been lowered by the Writer’s Strike or not, but I’m watching it every week.

Also, Crush is totally my new TV girlfriend. There. I said it. Shut up.

They Don't Hate Women.... They Hate Everybody!

2008-01-28T12:14:00.000-08:00

I’ve been a little uncomfortable with Nip/Tuck this season. It’s still the best sleazy fun on television, of course. Once you’ve got Eyebrows hooked on crystal meth, you’ve got my attention. (Eyebrows McNamara – worst meth dealer ever. Walter White – best meth dealer ever.)

Still, this season’s made me uneasy. At the best of times, they walk a very thin line. Nip/Tuck is often accused of misogyny, but it usually seems like it’s on the part of the characters, not the show itself. I’ve got no problem with characters who have unpleasant opinions or do awful things; I just don’t like when it seems like an editorial comment on the part of the show. To me, that’s the difference between South Park and Family Guy.

Entourage has to strike a similar balance. Clearly, the male characters all sort of hate women for one reason or another. As long as the joke is on the characters, everything’s fine. With the most recent season, women became the butt of the jokes and the series started reinforcing the characters’ attitudes, and then it just wasn’t funny anymore.

And Nip/Tuck really seemed like it was going to a bad place lately, especially with the casual cruelty in the treatment of Paula Marshall’s character. But last week, with the horrifying scene where Christian drops Gina off the balcony so he won’t be tempted to sleep with her, I finally got it. Yes, women are generally portrayed negatively on the series, but so are men. It’s not misogyny, it’s misanthropy! There are absolutely no positive characters on the show anymore. Even Sean, formerly the moral center, is a mean SOB on a good day and a statutory rapist on a bad day. In fact, I’d say the only character who has anything resembling a moral code is Liz. She’s as close to positive as we’re going to get.

I’m far more comfortable with that. I’ve got no problem at all with a dark view of all mankind. It’s entirely possible that something is wrong with me.

Insert Ironic Use of 'Bad' Here

2008-01-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

--Heath Ledger. Damn.

I don’t really have a lot to say, but it feels like I should say something. It’s sad when somebody dies young like that, but sometimes you sort of feel like you could see it coming. It doesn’t make it less sad, but it feels almost inevitable. I’m obviously not going to mention names, because that’s just ghoulish. Regardless, he wasn’t one of those guys. He was a talented guy, and it’s just a tragedy.

(My favorite Heath Ledger movie: “The Brothers Grimm”. At least until “The Dark Knight” comes out.)

--Remember how I said AMC was the new HBO? If it pleases the court, I’d like to present Exhibit B, Breaking Bad.

Bryan Cranston plays Walter White, a high school chemistry teacher who’s diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer just after his 50th birthday. Walter turns to selling crystal meth to give his family (including his pregnant wife and his teenage son with cerebral palsy) financial stability, and it’s fantastic.

Right off, people are going to compare it to Weeds. The tone is substantially different, though. Also, Bad provides the character with an acceptable and interesting motivation, which was my main problem with Weeds. I can’t sympathize with a character who’s jeopardizing her family by selling pot instead of getting a job, but I’m interested in a dying man who wants to provide for his family.

Cranston is terrific. I wasn’t a big fan of Malcolm in the Middle, but I always loved his performance. And we all remember him as Tim Watley, the dentist, on Seinfeld. So many of his sitcom performances have been funny, but with this real air of menace just beneath the surface. I think he’s really going to knock people out with his work here.

There are some bold choices here, beyond the obvious. I mean, Walter killed two people in the first episode. In self defense, but still… Breaking Bad isn’t going to try and convince us he’s a saint, which is another refreshing change from Weeds. And I’m not sure, but I can’t think of another primetime series that’s featured a character with cerebral palsy before. I don’t know if the actor actually suffers from it, or if it’s just a really good performance. Either way, they’re avoiding the easy road of making him a little angel who represents all that is positive. He’s not a bad kid, by any means, but he’s got a little bit of an obnoxious streak. It was interesting to see his interactions with his parents, which is rarely something I say about young people on TV.

I’ll have more in a couple of weeks, I’m sure. Sundays at 10 on AMC. You should be watching it. Trust AMC, folks.

Actually, I’m kind of wondering if this was originally pitched to HBO. Like Mad Men, the quality is right there with HBO’s Golden Era. But in this particular case, the first episode was sixty minutes without commercial interruptions, which is in line with HBO. I also noted a few censored f-bombs and some blurred-out breasts. It may well have been an artistic choice, and there’s really nothing else he could have said in the car wash. I just have to wonder if the intent was to sell it to HBO all along. If so, HBO blew it. Again. It’s what they do these days.

--I’ve got some “Cloverfield” talk over on spunkybean, and Don’s all up in the American Idol grill. Check it out and join the cool kids.

Oscar Gives with One Hand and Poos with the Other

2008-01-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

On the one hand, I’m thrilled to see all the Oscar Love thrown to “Juno”, nominated in four major categories. Plus, favorites like the Coen Brothers and George Clooney did all right for themselves. I’m happy for them. I really am. And do you know why I can’t enjoy the nominations?

The “Animated Feature Film” category shut out “The Simpsons Movie” altogether!

Now, I can’t even go so far as to say that it should win the category. “Ratatouille” deserves to take it. But come on! Not even a nomination? Do you know what took their slot? Seriously? “Surf’s Up”. Yeah.

I’m too mad to talk about American Gladiators now. I’ll get back to you later.

I mean, absolutely the best of luck to Diablo Cody and everybody associated with “Juno”, but I need some time here. Freaking “Surf’s Up”? It’s not like I’m asking for an “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” nomination here. We’re talking about a universally well-reviewed movie. We’re talking a cultural phenomenon. Beat out by another entry in the “Hey, Penguins are Awesome” category. (I mean, they are awesome, but that’s beside the point.)

Stupid Academy.

A Million Dollars Can Buy a Lot of Knit Hats

2008-01-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

--That was the most satisfying Amazing Race conclusion I’ve seen in a long time. I like when people who are sweet and funny and generally awesome get rewarded. TK and Rachel (Team Otto’s Jacket) ran the most mellow race I’ve ever seen. That’s not to say they didn’t try, but they were patient with each other, and they didn’t get blinded with bloodlust, like some people with butt-like chins that I could name. (The people, not the chins. I guess I could name the chin, if need be.) I think it’s adorable that they’re ‘recently dating’ and they still work together like that. Way to go, you crazy kids!

What I really like was how things turned out for everybody. Ron really did change over the Race, and I think maybe he and Cristina are going to have a much stronger relationship. Myndi was properly horrified that Ron said something about how, for the first time, he could mean it when he said he loved Cris. I don’t think he meant it quite as bad as it sounded, though. He’s a guy who says weird things. Remember ‘real truth flavor’? Remember when he talked about he was the kind of guy who’d tell you when you have boogers in your nose? I’d like to think that he meant that now he knew her as a person, and you always love your kids, but now he loves her as the person she is, rather than the general idea of a daughter. I may be cutting him too much slack, but I’d like to think that’s what he meant. Still, I feel like he really worked to shed the “A-hole Dad” label.

I’m fascinated with Don and Nick, and I think I would have been just as happy to see them win as I was Team Otto’s Jacket. If it weren’t for them leaving their supplies behind, I think it would have been close. Well, they weren’t the first team to misread a clue, and they won’t be the last. I really liked them, though. Congratulations to Don for being the oldest person to finish the race (Is it possible that Ron is the second oldest? I think he might be.), and also for being the only person calm enough to make small talk at the Roadblock. That, my friends, is comedy. TK and Ron are seriously sweating, and Don’s just keeping up the chatter. Those two are just nice people, and I liked watching them. (And I loved the montage at the beginning of Don referencing his past occupations that directly related to tasks on the Race.)

That final task was great, too. I like when they have the memory tasks at the end, and that one was insanely complicated. It almost would have been worth seeing Nate and Jen in the finals just for the epic meltdown. They would still be at the Roadblock right now.

All in all, a fun season. Some of the tasks weren’t exactly visually interesting, but at least they were new. I’ve seen people bungee jump and ride ziplines for eleven seasons now. Gutting a fish, that’s a nice change of pace. (Besides, Conan O’Brien has pretty well dominated the zipline game, now that he’s used one to save Abe Lincoln’s life.)

And who knew that the city of Anchorage had a Salmon Hooker? If you didn’t see it, it sounds like exactly what it is. A large mounted fish, dressed like a prostitute. And everybody in town knew where it was. They’re very proud of their Salmon Hooker.

--Reality shows made me happy this week. A satisfying Race finale, the elimination of Gene Simmons – what more could you ask for? (By the way, check out spunkybean for my Celebrity Apprentice recaps. They’re gigantic.) As for Project Runway, now that my early favorite, Steven, is gone, the only thing important is that Rami and Jillian make it to the finals. Actually, I’ve really been impressed by Chris for the last couple of challenges, too. I mean, I liked him initially, but his designs have been significantly better since his return and the unfortunate French hooker outfit. So few people on this show ever really learn how to edit their designs. The ones who go over the top are usually delightful people, but you spend the whole season knowing that they’re going to send something crazy down the runway. Nice job, Chris!

--I liked “Cloverfield” a whole lot, and I’ll review it later this week. Let me just say, I was delighted to see that Marmaduke from Carpoolers played Hud (The cameraman). In the early scenes, he was really channeling Marmaduke, too. “I’m documenting.” And while it’s not officially an adaptation of the Rampage arcade game, it’s not the opposite of a Rampage adaptation, either.

--Still looking for a Wire friend. I need to talk to somebody here. I’m pretty much horrified by McNulty’s fake serial killer, but the fact that Lester is involved really shocked me. My reaction was exactly the same as Bunk’s, come to think of it. We both thought Freamon was going to talk some sense into that fool. It’s not necessarily out of character for Lester, but it’s still surprising. In fact, Lester’s support suddenly makes me think it’s not the absolute wrong that I believed it to be. It’s easy to disagree with McNulty. Lester, not so much.

I’m worried about Omar, too. It’s pretty much a given that he’s going to meet a violent end, but I don’t want to see it happen. I got the feeling from his scene that he was out of the game and was living peacefully. Of course, it’s entirely possible that he would be back on the street as soon as the money ran out. In fact, it’s likely. But even if we accept that Omar’s crimes will catch up with him, it’s depressing to think that it would be because of Chris and Snoop. Omar robs from the dealers, but violence is limited to self-preservation or revenge. He leaves the taxpayers alone, though. If you’re not dealing drugs, Omar’s not going to hurt you or rob you. Chris and Snoop are legitimate psychopaths, and I hate to think Omar’s end will come at their hands.

--That’s all for today. I swear, I’m really going to get that Cashmere Mafia pilot reviewed.

The All-Pilot Project -- Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

2008-01-17T12:41:00.001-08:00

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
FOX, Monday, 9 PM

THE PREMISE: It’s a spin-off of the “Terminator” films, only without James Cameron, cool liquid metal effects, or any of the stars. You like things that have characters who have the same names as characters in things that you like, right?

THE PERSONNEL: Lena Headey, of “300”, stars as Sarah Connor. Thomas Dekker plays John Connor. You may remember him from Season One of Heroes – he played Claire’s friend who was gay, and then not gay, and then gone. Lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, as I understand it. Also, Dean Winters (of Oz and 30 Rock) plays Sarah’s fiancée. Two points right there, bro. And some more points for having Sonya Walger in a small role. You know her as Penelope on Lost, and she was also on Tell Me You Love Me. Where she was naked.

THE REVIEW: Here’s the problem. The whole “Terminator” franchise hinges on time travel. So far, time travel has been handled in an aggressively stupid fashion. I’ve tried writing this a couple of times now, and I think I’ll save my nit-picking for the end.

The episode starts in a 1999 that looks an awful lot like 2007. (Also, I think this makes a total dog’s breakfast of the timeline established in the movies, but I could be wrong.) Sarah and John Connor keep on moving from town to town, staying one step ahead of the evil future robots. Sarah’s gotten a little too comfortable in their current hometown, shacking up with the Beeper King and everything.

Long story short, there’s a teenage girl who’s a benevolent Terminator, and she’s come to the past to bring John and Sarah to the year 2007. (You can see where this was supposed to be a fall series, as they really ladle on references to September of that year. I picture Homer Simpson gasping “That day’s like this day is”.) In the present, they’re supposed to put a stop to SkyNet. You know, like in the second and third movies.

There are cool action scenes, and Lena Headey rocks this world and two or three others. John Connor, however, is one of the most irritating characters in pop culture. He sucked in “T2”, he sucked in whatever the third one is called, and he sucks here. He’s a whiny brat, no matter how you slice it. Cameron, the good Terminator, is a little too, I don’t know, moist? Her quirkiness seems more like she’s actually an alien than a robot. Not all inexpressiveness is created equal, you know? I’m having a hard time explaining it because it’s this visceral thing.

The dialogue is not great, and the interaction between John and Cameron will have you longing for West’s sparkling repartee. (That’s right, I compared somebody unfavorably to Flying Boy. I’m shocked, too.) And of course, there’s this awful line: “You changed the future – you just didn’t change it enough!” That’s the kind of thing that makes me rethink my support of the Writer’s Guild.

Now come the time travel problems. I’m going to skip over the inherent paradoxes that cripple just about everything on the subject except for Bender’s Big Score. (If you exist to prevent somebody from altering history and erasing you, clearly your very existence is proof that he failed.) I’ll even ignore the basic flaw with this franchise in particular. (Hey, did they mention that only organic matter can travel through time? Yeah, they did. Well, except for those robots.) Even with all of that aside, there are several examples of boneheadedness at work here. First off, why does the Resistance keep moving their time-altering attempts farther into the future? According to Cameron, 2007 is when SkyNet goes active. Why cut it that close? Why wait until it’s all finished and then try to stop it? Killing the guy who came up with it right before it goes online isn’t helping anybody. Send somebody back to 1970 and kill him before he ever develops an interest in computers. That’s one. Number two: Why jump John Connor forward eight years? Why not just get the John Connor of 2007? He’s acclimated to the world of 2007, and he’s less likely to be a snotty punk. And even if you save John Connor the moment before his death, why not hole up in some other decade and spend some time training before you go for the big show? Finally, why doesn’t Future John Connor just go back and do it himself? We keep hearing about how great he is in the future – why doesn’t he just go back in time and take care of business? Dude keeps delegating to robots. Come on man, prove you’re as awesome as everybody says you are.

I know this is pretty pedantic, but it grates on me to no end. “Our best hope is my 15-year-old self.” “Or, how about this, you, at your peak, can go back there and accomplish what may be too much for you as a teenager.” “Shut up!”

THE VERDICT: I don’t know. It’s stupid, and the lack of logic is going to make me crazy, but stuff does blow up. In a world without a Writer’s Strike, this wouldn’t have a prayer. Still, I recorded the second episode. Haven’t watched it yet, but even after being irritated with the first one, I went to the effort to put it on the DVR. I can’t even tell what I like and what I don’t like anymore.

This Must Be How it Feels... When Doves Cry

2008-01-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

--If you guys really want to be impressed, check my comments for some American Gladiators talk. My brother and sister both possess a freaky amount of knowledge about the original series. I mean, I feel like a larger portion of my brain than is strictly healthy is full of Gladiators factoids, but those two are nuts. It’s sort of like the way somebody who’s mildly interested in Lost must feel when they talk about it with me. (They remember individual Gladiator injuries!)

--So, those of you watching The Wire are hopefully very excited on my behalf. See, last night, Reporter Scott was writing a story about the Baltimore Orioles Opening Day, and he couldn’t find anybody to give a good interview. So, he made up a story about a kid in a wheelchair, and it was really hilarious and ludicrous. Best part is that he claimed the kid would only give him his nickname. That nickname? EJ! That’s right. I have never heard my name spoken on television before, so it was this really weird sensation.

I’m sure people with normal names hear them all the time, but there aren’t a lot of EJ’s out there. (By the way, that’s my actual name. It’s not like I’m trying to be all cool and mysterious.) Most people probably work through this when they’re four years old and the Romper Room Lady sees them in the Magic Mirror, but it’s all new to me. I think a certain Swear Jar reader who noticed a long shot of a box labeled ‘Haberkern’ in the Heroes season premiere might know how I feel.

In other Wire related thoughts, I am not even sure what to make of McNulty right now. There’s too far and then there’s too far. Making up a serial killer to get overtime is definitely too far. McNulty’s not coming back from this, and it makes me sad.

Seriously, does anybody want to be my Wire buddy? We can talk all the time, and we’ll laugh at each other’s references, and it’ll be great.

--My new Celebrity Apprentice recap is up over at spunkybean. I think you should read it because it’s funny. And I’m not really a fan of my work, so that’s saying something. By the way, we’ve made it easier to post comments over at the ‘bean, so let’s hear some chatter!

--I can’t believe I have mentioned “Cloverfield” yet. I’m pretty much JJ Abrams’ , so it’s pretty much a given that I’m excited. I’m avoiding all news and discussion about it, because I want to go in fresh. I really like the premise and the style of the trailers, and I will probably obsess unduly over finding connections between the movie and Lost or Alias. (By the way, Lost and Alias exist in the same universe – at a party in Season Four of Alias, Sydney had Driveshaft’s album on the stereo. Awesome, right?) This weekend shall be the weekend of “Cloverfield”, friends.

Also this weekend, my local theater is showing “Wristcutters: A Love Story”. I have been geeked about this for a year. I understand it involves a cult of suicide victims, but that’s really sort of secondary. Get this: Tom Waits plays the cult leader and Swear Jar Hall of Famer Will Arnett plays the Messiah. Can you even imagine how much I am freaking out right now? Think about your favorite move for a moment. Now, imagine how much that movie would be improved by the addition of Tom Waits and Will Arnett to the cast. I think you’ll agree that your favorite movie would be improved immeasurably.

--Yes, that’s two straight days of short bits. Don’t judge me.

My Eye! I'm Not Supposed to Get Pudding in It!

2008-01-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

--Anybody want to give me a high five on the elimination of Nate and Jen on last night’s Amazing Race? And on her birthday! Awesome!

I will miss the way that Jen took it as a personal affront whenever any team was better than they were. I mean, they were the first team in Race history to ask another team to let them come in first. What kind of crazy is that?

I’m not a big fan of Roadblocks where the Racer basically sits there while someone else does all the work, but at least their reactions were funny. (Ron actually made me laugh! What’s wrong with me?) Also funny was the ‘walking on stones’ challenge. It wasn’t the most exciting challenge, but watching TK bound across the rocks was just great. He’s part mountain goat, I tell you.

I really do think Ron is trying to change – he’s definitely putting forth more effort. I give him credit for that. I actually won’t be upset if any of the teams win this time out, unless Ron has some kind of meltdown and reverts back to his original personality. I’m not sure if the current pleasantness of all three teams will make the finale satisfying or boring. If history is any indication, I’ll end up yelling at the TV for the last fifteen minutes no matter what happens.

--For the most part, there’s just not enough ‘meh’ in the world for how I felt about the Golden Globes this year. Too many ridiculous omissions, love affairs with stuff that I just don’t get, I just wasn’t feeling it. And then, of course, the ceremony was cancelled. Still, a couple of awards made me happy: Mad Men for Best Drama, with Jon Hamm also winning Best Actor. Tina Fey won Best Actress in a Comedy, and Extras won Best Comedy. Of course, The Office wasn’t even nominated, so it’s a hollow victory. Still, congratulations to the people I like for winning shiny trophies.

--Speaking of Extras, the complete series is out on DVD this week. The two season sets have been out for a while, but this new release will also contain the Christmas Special finale from last month. I thought the first season was pretty good, but the second was phenomenal. I’m eager to go back and see if maybe the first season is better than I remembered. And of course, I can’t wait to see how the series ends. Gordon Ramsay apparently appears on the finale, so you can imagine my excitement there.

--For those of you who are mad at me for never writing about American Idol, you should start reading spunkybean religiously. Mysterious Don will be posting his awesome write-ups, and you will want to read those.

--Yes, I know I have to review the Cashmere Mafia pilot. It’s waiting for me, exuding estrogen and mocking me. I feel like this could be the one that breaks me.

--That’s all for today. Work is busy and my eyeball hurts. I can’t determine why my eye should hurt, since nobody’s poked it lately. Did I look at something too hard and pull a muscle? I don’t know, and it worries me.

Ready to Have Your Mind Blown?

2008-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

So there I was, Googling around, trying to find places where I am mentioned. (As it turns out, this is pretty much the only place.) Anyway, I ended up on Amazon, where I found this incredibly early solicitation:

Flight of the Conchords 2009 Calendar

And it's available for pre-order right now! In January!

Great calendar, or the greatest calendar?

In similarly giddy merchandising news, I have spent most of the day playing "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law" on the PlayStation 2. I'll do a review later, but since the series was animated in Flash, the game looks exactly like the show. The only disappointment is that Stephen Colbert didn't return to voice Reductor and Phil Ken Sebben. The rest of the cast is there, though.

What more do you want from me on a Saturday?

Big 300th Post! Eat it, Everybody Else!

2008-01-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

--That’s right, this is my 300th post! I’m the Dave Sim of blogging! Sure, I went crazy earlier, and to a lesser extent, but it’s an apt comparison. Now, I’d like to talk to you about the Female Void… (Sponsored by the Department of Jokes that Only EJ Finds Funny)

--You know the best thing about spunkybean? Besides how it helps me score, that is. It’s when somebody writes something that I couldn’t have come up with in a million years. You should read the analysis of men’s facial hair in popular culture.

--Just some quick thoughts on the Season Premiere of The Wire.

Man, McNulty’s not only drinking again, he’s a freaking drunk. Again. And sending him back to Homicide is only going to make it worse. That’s a guy who excels at ruining his life, and it’s hard not to feel like he deserves it. Stupid McNulty – you were happy! You were sober and happy, and you blew it! Of course, the cell phone bit was really funny, so there’s that.

I didn’t notice Bunny or Prez in the opening credits – I hope they still appear this season. Surprisingly, that’s all I have to say on the topic.

They’re kind of bringing Season Two back this year. For a long time, Season Two’s storyline has been kind of forgotten. The dockworkers didn’t really fit into the overall thematic scope of the series, and the characters introduced that season have mostly disappeared. (Other than Brother Mouzone, but he was a part of the ongoing Barksdale story and uninvolved with the docks.) But with this season, the cops who aren’t getting paid are a pretty clear parallel to the stevedores. (Oh man, is McNulty going to turn out to be the Western District’s Ziggy? I can’t handle that!) Plus, we have the return of Boris, whose actual name I can’t recall just now. I can’t figure out why he’d be of any interest to Marlo. This is puzzling me, and I’m sure I’m overthinking it.

I like the media angle this season. The press has always been sort of an unseen force in the series, influencing the politicians and the bosses. Rawls and Burrell never make a move without considering how to spin it for the press, and Carcetti’s been alternately fighting and exploiting the media. Still, other than the guy who sat on Hamsterdam in Season Three, there haven’t really been any characters who are actually members of the press. And once again, as with all institutions on The Wire, the newspaper business is in a potentially unsalvageable state of disrepair.

Who’s up for another season of insurmountable social problems and bleak reality?

The All-Pilot Project -- American Gladiators

2008-01-09T14:01:00.000-08:00

American Gladiators
NBC, Monday, 8 PM

THE PREMISE: Seriously? Dude, it’s American Gladiators. You know the premise!

THE PERSONNEL: The new hosts are the utterly humorless Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali. All the Gladiators and play-by-play guys are new. I miss Larry Czonka. By the way, my sister is sort of an expert on the original American Gladiators, so I’m hoping that she’ll have something to say on this topic.

THE REVIEW: You know, it doesn’t matter how old you get or how refined your tastes become. There’s always going to be something satisfying about two people hitting one another. And I don’t mean like boxing, where people get badly injured and visually, it’s mostly two guys standing there and punching. No, this is the kind of televised violence where they have appropriate padding and safety measures and everybody is swinging on rings and hitting each other with paddles and getting tossed off of big foam pyramids and SWIMMING UNDERNEATH FIRE.

There’s a single-minded sense of spectacle to American Gladiators that’s really entertaining. Pitting (theoretically) regular people against behemoths in order to win prizes – what’s not to like? Well, now that you mention it…

With the first episode, the crowd reaction and excitement seems too manufactured. It’s the first episode – fans can’t possibly have a favorite Gladiator. Nobody made signs at home proclaiming their love of Wolf or Toa. I realize it’s a big studio and the whole spectacle is a key part of the process, but wait a couple of weeks. An audience full of people cheering when somebody gets tossed off a wall is effective enough without handmade signs. (I picture Kenneth from 30 Rock having to make all those signs himself and then pass them out to the crowd. Dear Tina Fey: Can I come work on your show now?) The announcers are playing along too, referring to “signature moves” and such.

I’m not thrilled with the banter and the catchphrases. The male Gladiators especially all have to do their trash talk, and they’ve all got their little acts they have to do. Wolf, you’re a freaking giant with crazy hair and lunatic eyes. You don’t need to howl before every event to seem scary. The Gladiators of old (American Gladiators of old, that is. Not actual gladiators.) seemed more like friendly giants. Sure, they’d try to flatten you in the Gauntlet, but after all was said and done, they’d be more than happy to give you a ride or lift something heavy for you. The new Gladiators seem more like thugs. I realize that’s all packaging, but I find it kind of tiresome.

Still, it’s dumb fun. It’s certainly watchable, and would probably be a heck of a lot of fun to watch in a group. I’m planning on watching it back-to-back with The Wire for the season, so I can sort of cleanse my palette. After watching stupid McNulty ruin his life yet again, I need big people hitting each other so I can unwind.

THE VERDICT: Pointless but fun. I’ve promised my sister I’ll write about it on a regular basis, so I’ll have more to say later. Plus, it’s a show that I can watch while I’m busy writing about other shows. Sometimes you just need to see dudes hitting each other with sticks.

And just to amuse everybody, up until this year, my sister believed that character actor Bill Nunn was one of the original Gladiators. You know, Pip from The Job? Robbie Robertson from “Spider-Man”? That guy! Wrap your mind ‘round that one, folks!

My Muggles Confusion

2008-01-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

I went to the grocery store the other day, and I saw a car with a vanity plate that read “MUGGLES”. My first thought was: “Oh. A Harry Potter license plate. Nerds.” My second thought was “Oh! The dog from Heroes! That license plate is AWESOME!”

My geekiness is incredibly particular, and to the untrained eye, largely arbitrary.

The All-Pilot Project -- Dance War

2008-01-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Dance War
ABC, Monday, 8 PM

THE PREMISE: It’s sort of like American Idol meets Battlebots. Actually, that would be a much better show. Hand-picked singing and dancing troupes compete, and somebody gets sent home and maybe the viewers choose? One would think the set-up could have been adequately explained in two hours.

THE PERSONNEL: Hey, it’s Bruno and Carrie-Ann from Dancing with the Stars. They’re the ones picking their dance troupes, and it’s said that “Their friendship is on the line”. Really? That seems like a good excuse not to do the show, you know? (Also, we found out that Carrie-Ann used to be a Japanese pop star. Try and take that in.) The host is DwtS Season Two Winner, Drew Lachey. He’s a mite cheesy, but he’s a likeable guy.

THE REVIEW: Right off, I’ll say that this would have benefited from a one-hour premiere. Two hours is just a little too long, especially when it’s taken up with audition rounds and a whole lot of footage of people we will a) never see again, or b) not recognize when we do see them. I’m not interested in watching people audition anyway, and I’m really not interested in watching fifteen people do their own individual freestyle at a time.

As for the singing auditions, well, here’s the thing. I honestly can’t tell the difference between the people Bruno and Carrie-Ann love and the ones who are subject to mockery. The whole vocal style they’re looking for is not one that’s pleasing to my ears – a lot of runs and glory notes and every syllable has seven different notes. I can’t really tell the difference between good singing and bad when it’s in a style that I hate. And that’s what really keeps me from enjoying American Idol, if I may go on a tangent. The thing is, there’s not a single album I love that’s recorded by somebody who wouldn’t have been laughed off the stage in the first round of auditions. And I’m not a music snob or anything. I don’t really care what music anybody likes, and I don’t care if they don’t like what I do. But Tom Waits wouldn’t have made the cut. Elvis Costello would have made it to the Hollywood round, where he’d be told to lose the glasses and get that sneer out of his voice. I just think that there are a lot of unique voices being silenced because of the homogenization factor. And I don’t think American Idol is evil or anything. Kelly Clarkson is always going to sell more albums than Leonard Cohen. To me, it’s that audition round where anybody who doesn’t fit the ‘potential superstar’ mold is ridiculed that ruins the whole thing. Young Tom Waits must have known he was never going to top the charts, but I can’t help but feel if that Young Tom had been humiliated on national television by people with a very binary view of music in which “marketable” equals “talent” and “weird” equals “untalented”, he’d have grown up to be a plumber and the world would not have “Frank’s Wild Years”. No offense to Mysterious Don, whose American Idol write-ups are awesome, and make me wish I was capable of enjoying the show. Also, this has almost nothing to do with Dance War.

I’m a little confused by what they’re looking for, as some of the dancers they like best are simply doing cartwheels, or are just really good-looking and walk across the stage. I sort of like the way they’ll each be grooming their troupe, though. (They haven’t even picked teams, but I already know I’m rooting for Bruno’s team.) I think future episodes should be more entertaining, once we get mildly familiar with the people we’re going to see for the next six weeks. A two hour episode made up of auditions and selection footage is just too much.

THE VERDICT: Ordinarily, I’d pass. It’s Monday – I should be watching Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Chuck, and 24. Given the reality of the situation, however, I might as well keep watching. Man, that’s a ringing endorsement.

Soccer Robots!

2008-01-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

--If you’re like me, you were a wreck at the end of Amazing Race. Team Otto’s Jacket dropped out of the episode entirely, and I would have bet a finger that this was an elimination leg. They always have a non-elimination leg when they’re down to the final three! They even got the “Talk about your feelings” edit in the last few minutes, so I was prepared to be devastated when they hit the mat. Way to keep me on an emotional roller coaster, Phil!

Also, if you pass up the chance to play robot soccer while in Japan, I think something is actually wrong with you. “Hey, there’s a detour. We can either make robots play soccer…” “That’s the one!” “But the other option is to eat a hamburger. And we can eat it in the cab on the way to the Pit Stop!” “Robot Soccer!” This is just fair warning to any of my future Race partners. I also can’t drive a stick shift and don’t have any beneficial skills. Basically, I’m Flo from Season Three. (I know that she and Zach actually won, but current rules require each partner to do half of the Roadblocks – Flo did none at all.)

--I really enjoyed David Letterman and Conan O’Brien last week. Dave had his writers back, but he still had this uncharacteristic spastic, nervous energy. Plus, he’s good and angry. I think he’s done a really good job of explaining it to the average viewer, who probably hasn’t lost sleep over the Writer’s Strike and just wonders why he hasn’t seen The Office in a while. Whether he’ll admit it or not, Letterman is the new Johnny Carson. All the other hosts are going to follow his lead, and he’s going to be their mouthpiece.

Conan without writers has been just plain lunatic fun. Hassling NBC’s pages, climbing the catwalk, disrupting a game of “Rock Band”, he’s some kind of comedy machine. I mean, he sang “Sabotage” as Edith Bunker! That’s what I call entertainment, you know? He’s much more a natural performer than the other late night hosts (except for maybe Stephen Colbert), so this is really showing his strengths.

Really nervous about Stewart and Colbert tonight. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off, especially since there’s a question as to whether or not Colbert is allowed to perform in character. As a Guild Member, he can’t generate new material for a character. And since the show hinges on the difference between Stephen Colbert and “Stephen Colbert”, he is considered a character. Still, he figured out a way to get around federal election law and have Doritos fund his campaign. If anybody can figure it out, it’s Stephen.

And I’m irritated with Jay Leno for not growing a Strike Beard. Dude, just because you’re a lame duck host doesn’t mean you can’t make a stand.

--Have you been checking out spunkybean? I have a (long) piece on Celebrity Apprentice. It’s really long. Seriously, you might have to call in sick tomorrow to get through this thing. There’s a lot of great stuff on there right now, and we just brought on some swell new writers who are much more well-rounded than I and talk about things like music. (My two CD purchases last year – Swear Jar Buddy Sam’s CD (not technically a purchase, since he gave it to me) and the Flight of the Conchords EP.) Don and Myndi have some truly bizarre pieces showing up this week which will tickle and delight you, so it’s clearly time to hop on the bandwagon. Remember our motto: “spunkybean – Now with 50% fewer fully nude banner ads!”

--I didn’t get to watch The Wire last night, so I’ll have more to say tomorrow. I did, however, squeal girlishly when I saw that Clark Johnson joined the cast. I actually thought he’d given up acting for directing, so it’s quite a surprise. You know how I love to see my Homicide buddies onscreen. And Johnson’s Meldrake Lewis has the first and last lines in the entire series, so he’s especially close to my heart.

The thing is, I know The Wire can’t end well. As long as there are drugs and failing schools and institutional racism, there won’t be a happy ending. I just want some of my guys to go away happy. The “McNulty is drinking again” ads make it pretty clear that he’s managed to blow the nice little life he had last season. And even getting what you want on The Wire doesn’t mean that you’re happy. In fact, as Carcetti’s arc illustrated last season, winning a victory just takes you to an even more futile battle.

I have this theory that Bubbles and McNulty are living parallel lives. I think their battles with addiction rise and fall in concert with one another with McNulty representing somebody who was lucky enough to be born on the right side of the tracks, where his addiction (alcoholism) is inhibiting but not crippling. Bubbles, on the other hand, ended up on the wrong side, where even getting completely clean means he’s still homeless. I think that’s the significance of the repeated image of the train tracks, but it’s usually McNulty and Bunk by the tracks, not Bubbles. This is a fairly new theory, so I may be forgetting something. Last season they were both on the upswing, right up until Bubbles attempted suicide. I think they’re both going to hit bottom this year, but I’m hoping not. I’m also quite certain that Omar won’t make it to the end. Realistically, as a man who takes insane risks on a daily basis, he can’t live forever. More importantly, though, Wire creator David Simon is well aware (per Bunk and Omar’s Season Three conversation) that Omar could be seen to glamorize a certain lifestyle, and I can’t believe he wouldn’t carry it through to its logical conclusion.

I’ll probably be talking about this season a lot, because it’s the best show on television and none of my friends watch it. I think it should be one of the key things I look for in a relationship. “Can you identify Stringer Bell and explain his significance? If not, well, good luck in your future endeavors.”

Actually, the head injury explains a lot...

2008-01-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

Now, ordinarily I’d be all over Celebrity Apprentice by now, but I’m writing a recap for spunkybean, so you can look forward to that next week. That’s right, you should be looking forward to it. Anticipate!

We’re now headed into Project Runway talk. There are spoilers, so my sister should stop reading now. (By the way, we watched the season to date over Christmas, so I’m sad all over again about the loss of Steven.)

Those models don’t have to do much this year, do they? In other seasons, there’d be maybe one episode with substitute models, and this season’s had two in six weeks. That would have to suck to get cut after a week in which you weren’t even on the show. Yeah, that’s right – I just found myself feeling sorry for models. Poor things. It must be awful to never pay for your own drinks…

I’m always amazed at the challenges they come up with for this show. I don’t even understand the ability to go into a Hershey’s store and say “Yes, I can make clothing out of this stuff”. That’s just freaky. That’s like the ability to breathe underwater or the ability to meet women. I can’t even fathom it! Does it exist outside of cartoons? I am sort of surprised that nobody made a dress out of stuffed bears – there seemed to be a lot of them in the store. Chris had to go and start exercising judgment this week… (And the funniest bit of the whole lead-in was Kit’s horror that Tim Gunn saw her in her pajamas.)

Hey, Project Runway, no fair trying to make me feel bad for Elise. I’m already committed to my opinion, and I’m not changing it just because she spent five days in a coma. And I may be a bad person for saying this, but I don’t totally believe her story. Elise is what we call a theater girl. Theater girls plan their quirkiness very carefully, so as to make sure they draw the maximum amount of attention. Also, they lie. Sometimes they embellish to add dramatic impact, sometimes they omit facts to cast a more favorable light on themselves, and sometimes they just flat out make things up. And if you can’t believe somebody would make up a story about being hit by a car and spending five days in a coma, buddy, you don’t know theater girls. I’m not saying she’d definitely lying, I’m saying my reaction is one of skepticism. If I had to put money on it, I’d say that ‘mild concussion’ is more correct than ‘five-day coma’.

And just what’s up with her describing her outfit as, alternately, ‘sexy’, ‘macabre’, and ‘something my little daughter would love’? Is her daughter Vampirella?

Is it just me, or is Rami the most drama-free contestant this show has ever seen? You don’t really see him much during the challenges, and he doesn’t show up in the sound bites very often, but he’s one two of the four individual challenges and was on the winning team for one of the group challenges. He’s never been within sniffing distance of the bottom, and his designs have been really nice and often quite intricate. I feel like he’s going to win this thing without breaking a sweat.

I admired Jillene’s moxie in making a dress out of Twizzlers. (Is that how you spell her name? I feel like it’s appeared on screen with multiple spellings. Her name will probably be ‘Kynt’ by the time all is said and done.) It really did work out well, but clearly she was on the edge of disaster. I’m guessing that dress lasted another thirty seconds after Heidi told her she was safe. I loved that Chris spoke with great authority as to how difficult it is to make a dress out of food. Honestly, if you had to guess which designer had attempted that previously, I think everybody would call that one. (In all fairness, Chris’ dress was really nice this time around. He’s capable of good work when he gets out of costume mode. Plus, he’s funny. That gets you a long way with me.)

And what a satisfying elimination. I’m glad to see Elise didn’t skate through to the finals on the kook factor. I should have known the Project Runway producers wouldn’t bone us thusly. It’s not like I wish her harm or anything, but she’s really not a very good designer. Add in the annoying factor, and she’s not somebody who needs to be on my TV.

And now for a phrase that rarely comes up in a discussion of Project Runway: Remember, The Wire starts on Sunday! So excited, even though it will depress me every week. I’m complicated like that.

Real Truth Flavor

2008-01-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

Let’s talk Amazing Race, shall we? That’s probably a better move than talking about David Letterman’s beard. That beard was, let’s face it, terrifying. It places a solid second place in the Crazy Guy Beard Sweepstakes, taking the silver from Nathan Petrelli’s Season Two beard, and knocking Future Jack’s Lost beard down to fourth. Still uncontested is Alias’ Jack Bristow with his Season Three premiere beard. That beard contained all other Crazy Guy Beards, even those that hadn’t yet been grown.

I think we were all happy to see Kent and Vixen go. (No, I’m still not going to dignify their fake spellings.) As noted, I do like Vixen, but Kent was just too much to take. I am not entirely convinced that he wasn’t actually Andy Dick – they had the exact same voice. Something’s going on there, people. Their relationship was just so weird. They didn’t really seem that comfortable with one another, and there’s that other thing… You know, I don’t think I could say it better than Master Billy Quizboy in A Very Venture Christmas: “One: You’re totally gay. Two: She’s hot and you’re an albino. Three: You’re totally gay.” Also, if you’re dumb enough to not U-Turn the team that you know is behind you in favor of a team that might actually be past the U-Turn, you deserve elimination.

Right now I like two of the teams a whole lot. TK and Rachel (AKA Team Otto’s Jacket) are just adorable. They’re just so sweet to each other and good-natured. I certainly wouldn’t have guessed they’d make it to the final four, as she’s the size of an action figure, and he’s not exactly a spitfire, but they’ve been rocking most of the tasks. And when they screw up, they cooperate and stay focused and then they get back on track without ever once screaming at one another. It’s as if they like each other, or something crazy like that.

Then there’s my other favorite team, Don and Nick. They coasted by on good will for a while, because grandfathers are awesome. Borderline crazy grandfathers who get down to their skivvies to pole vault are even more awesome. Other than that, they hadn’t really impressed me, but in recent weeks, they’ve gotten more likeable. Grandson Nick has actually done some roadblocks, and I like the way they work together. They’re really calm and supportive, even if they’re not gushing with warmth. My theory is, like most people, Nick has a fun grandfather and a crusty grandfather. Don, clearly, is the crusty grandfather. And let’s face it, to go on the Race with crusty grandfather indicates a pretty close relationship. But being crusty, he’s got a limited emotional palette with which to express that relationship. He killed fiddy men, dammit! In my mind, Don takes Nick to all these old people places like diners at 4 PM and the Elks Lodge, and they don’t talk much, but they’re really happy. (I’ve put a lot of thought into imaging the lives of people I will never meet.)

I’m ambivalent towards Ron and Cristina. Still can’t stand him, still like her. At this point, I still don’t have a feel for her, but she seems pleasant. Still, when your most notable trait is ‘long-suffering’, it indicates you might be a tad boring. I’d hate to see them win, because in Ron’s mind, it would validate so many things about himself, and it would turn into a moral victory. Of course, he did give us the line “I’m optimistic with the real truth flavor”, so he can’t be all bad. Plus, you know, it’s not like he smacks his daughter around or anything. Emotionally, maybe. And I guess he really sort of smacks the universe around emotionally. Did you know Ronald Hsu knows how to do everything better than you? Seriously, ask yourself “What Would Ronald Hsu Do” before you make another move.

And that brings us to Nate and Butt-Chin. (Ever since Myndi christened her thusly, I can’t think of her in any other way.) These two just make me so tense. You know how when you’re friends with a couple who are having relationship problems and whenever you see them together it’s so strained and stressful that your sphincter clenches up hard enough to snap a pencil? (If one were in there, which is not recommended.) That’s what watching them is like, only I’m not friends with either of them. I feel like they can’t possibly have other friends because nobody wants to be around the two of them as a couple. And when you’re with them one-on-one, they just complain about the other one, and maybe Butt-Chin takes a break once in a while to talk about how she used to be a Clippers dancer. Even worse, the possibility that they might win really bothers me. Sometimes you get a good villain, like Team Guido, or Evil Dr. Will, or Santino. You root against them, but you’re sort of OK with the possibility of them winning. They work hard at being sneaky and evil, but they can also take their lumps if need be. Nobody laughed harder than the Guidos did when they turned out to be about 6000 miles behind at the end of the Race. And hey, sometimes the bad guy needs to win. It was satisfying when Evil Dr. Will won Big Brother 2.

Sadly, Nate and Butt-Chin aren’t villains so much as tools. It would be upsetting if they won, because they’re just unpleasant. Like the Weavers or Mirna (Charla was actually pretty cool) or Ivette. They’re just lame and unlikable and exhausting. I’d rather see the bad guy win than a couple of tooly tools. Of course, even if they win, they’re stuck with each other. They clearly hate each other, but they stayed together despite Nate cheating. These are two people who are holding on to one another just to inflict as much misery as possible.

Project Runway discussion tomorrow, where I can put it in its own post so my sister can avoid spoilers. See you there!

New Year, Same Old Blog

2008-01-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Brave New World of 2008! I’m approaching this year with guarded optimism. Let’s face it, I managed to make a dog’s breakfast of 2007, so having a new number on the calendar fills me with a sense of renewal. In general, I find that even-numbered years work out better for me. And this isn’t a numerology thing or astrology, or anything like that. It’s just that the hard times come in odd-numbered years – having to look for work because my employer went out of business. Yes, it’s happened more than once, and it’s always in an odd-numbered year. Would I get dumped during Dancing with the Stars in an even-numbered year? Hasn’t happened yet, that’s for sure. Plus, you know, there’s a new Batman movie in 2008.

2007 was the first year in which I actually made money at both writing and stand-up comedy. Not a lot of money, mind you. Especially when you factor in the sheer number of hours I spent on both pursuits this year. On that scale, sweatshop kids did slightly better than me. Still, it’s really gratifying to actually make money off of doing things that I did only because I enjoy them. It’s long been my dream to be able to support myself creatively, and even if that’s off the table, I feel like this is the first time I’ve actually made progress.

This year, I hope to increase readership without resorting to cheap Google-bait. Sure, it’s all well and good to use out –of-context phrases like “Michelle Ryan Naked” or “Dancing with the Stars Orgy” or “Spider-Man 4 Spoilers”, but that’s not the kind of thing we do here. Let’s keep it classy, people. I’d also really like to score an interview for spunkybean. Everybody else on that site knows things about marketing and has contacts, and I’m pretty much just bringing boner jokes to the table. It’s starting to get embarrassing at the staff meetings.

Beyond that, it’s another year of trying to make everybody proud of me. Given that the only things I have to write about in the coming weeks will be Celebrity Apprentice and American Gladiators, that may not be an easy task.

I hope everybody out there had a Happy New Year, and shares my desire to make 2008 kick ass while the flaming wreck of 2007 looks on.

In Memoriam, 2007

2007-12-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

It is customary for entertainment outlets, at the end of the year, to look back on those who passed over the course of the year. Given my tenuous grasp on reality, instead of actual people, I’m going to look back at some of the TV characters who passed on in 2007. This list is by no means comprehensive, but here are some of my favorites.

HEROES
(Please note: All Heroes deaths are subject to reversal at any time, based on emergence of new powers or an infusion of cheerleader blood.)
Nathan Petrelli
First Appearance: “Genesis” 9-25-06
Death: “Powerless” 12-3-07
Assassinated at a press conference before revealing his powers to the world.

D.L. Hawkins
First Appearance: “Hiros” 10-23-06
Death: “Four Months Ago” 11-12-07
Dead as a result of apparently forgetting his ability to pass through things.

Isaac Mendez
First Appearance: “Genesis”
Death: “The Hard Part” 5-7-07
Killed by Sylar

Candice Wilmer
First Appearance: “Company Man” 2-26-07
Death: “Kindred” 10-8-07
Killed by Sylar.

Niki Sanders
First Appearance: “Genesis”
Death: “Powerless”
Pinned down in a burning building without her powers.

Ted Sprague
First Appearance: “Nothing to Hide” 11-6-06
Death: “Landslide” 5-14-07
Killed by Sylar.

Alejandro Herrera
First Appearance: “Four Months Later” 9-24-07
Death: “Truth & Consequences” 11-26-07
Killed by Sylar.

Linderman (First Name Unknown)
First Appearance: “Parasite”
Death: “Landslide”
Brain crushed from the inside by D.L.

Simone Deveaux
First Appearance: “Genesis”
Death: “Parasite” 3-4-07
Accidentally shot by Isaac

Kaito Nakamura
First Appearance: “The Fix” 1-29-07
Death: “Four Months Later” and again in “Cautionary Tales” 11-19-07
Thrown off a building by Adam “Sark” Monroe.

LOST
(Please note: All Lost deaths are subject to reversal at any time, based on the whims of Island Magic. Except for Paolo and Nikki.)
Charlie Pace
First Appearance: “Pilot, Part 1” 9-22-04
Death: “Through the Looking Glass” 5-22-07
Drowned in the Looking Glass to save Desmond.

Tom Friendly / Zeke
First Appearance: “Exodus, Part 2” 5-25-05
Death: “Through the Looking Glass”
Killed, along with several other Others, in a raid on Camp Lostaway.

Anthony Cooper
First Appearance: “Deus Ex Machina” 3-30-05
Death: “The Brig” 5-2-07
Strangled by Sawyer after being revealed as the man who caused the deaths of his parents.

Paulo (Last Name Unknown)
Nikki Fernandez
Pretend First Appearance: “Pilot, Part 1”
Actual First Appearance: “Further Instructions” 10-18-06
Death: “Through the Looking Glass”
Buried alive after incompetently poisoning one another.

Mikhail Bakunin
First Appearance: “The Cost of Living” 11-1-06
Death: “Through the Looking Glass”
After surviving brain melting and a shooting, he presumably finally died while blowing himself up underwater.

Miss Klugh
First Appearance: “Three Minutes” 5-17-06
Death: “Enter 77” 3-7-07
Shot by Mikhail to save her from being taken hostage.

Naomi Dorritt
First Appearance: “Catch-22” 4-18-07
Death: “Through the Looking Glass”
Stabbed by Locke.

Bonnie and Greta (Last Names Unknown)
First Appearance: “Greatest Hits” 5-16-07
Death: “Through the Looking Glass”
Shot in the Looking Glass battle.

THE SOPRANOS
Christopher Moltisanti
First Appearance: “Pilot” 1-10-99
Death: “Kennedy and Heidi” 5-13-07
Suffocated by Tony Soprano after an auto accident.

Bobby ‘Bacala’ Baccaliere
First Appearance: “Guy Walks into a Psychiatrist’s Office” 1-16-00
Death: “The Blue Comet” 6-3-07
Shot on orders from Phil Leotardo.

Silvio Dante
First Appearance: “Pilot”
Death: “The Blue Comet”
Shot on orders from Phil Leotardo. (Note: Technically only brain-dead – when last seen, he was being kept alive by a respirator.)

Phil Leotardo
First Appearance: “Two Tonys” 3-7-04
Death: “Made in America” 6-10-07
Shot in reprisal for the previous two murders. Also, his head was crushed by a minivan.

John ‘Johnny Sack’ Sacramoni
First Appearance: “Pax Soprana” 2-14-99
Death: “Stage 5” 4-15-07
Succumbed to cancer while in prison

J.T. Dolan
First Appearance: “In Camelot” 4-18-04
Death: “Walk Like a Man” 5-6-07
Shot by Christopher Moltisanti

MISCELLANEOUS

Sherrif Don Lamb
First Appearance: Veronica Mars “Pilot” 9-22-04
Death: “Mars, Bars” 2-20-07
Bludgeoned while in pursuit of a suspect. He smelled bread.

Harvey Birdman
First Appearance: Birdman and the Galaxy Trio (untitled episode) 9-9-67
Death: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law “The Death of Harvey” 7-22-07
After returning to his super-hero roots to defeat a former client, Harvey was run over by a bus driven by his (previously thought deceased) boss, Phil Ken Sebben.

Cotton Hill
First Appearance: King of the Hill “Shins of the Father” 3-23-97
Death: “Death Picks Cotton” 11-11-07
Died (eventually) after suffering massive internal and external injuries caused by choking on a shrimp and collapsing onto a table grill.

Dr. Nick Riviera
First Appearance: The Simpsons “Bart Gets Hit by a Car” 1-10-91
Death: “The Simpsons Movie” (Summer, 2007)
Crushed by debris when Homer destroyed the dome surrounding Springfield.

Tad Eustace Ghostal AKA Space Ghost
First Appearance: Space Ghost “The Heat Thing” 9-10-66
Death: “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Move Film for Theaters” (Spring, 2007)
Killed when a missile accidentally launched by Meatwad blew up the Ghost Planet.

Farewell, brave soldiers. We are diminished by your loss. Well, except for Paulo and Nikki.

How You Got Here, Probably

2007-12-29T21:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I tallied it up, and I’d like to present the Top Five Google searches that led people to the Swear Jar.

5. “EJ Feddes blog” – That one terrifies me. Why would somebody Google me in the first place? And it’s not like it was just my name they searched. People specifically set out to see if I have a blog. And it happened frequently throughout the year! That means multiple people who know me found themselves wondering if I have a blog, and they set out to do some research. I can not imagine who those people would be, and why there are so many of them. It’s unsettling.
4. “Samantha Harris’ breasts” – I have to think these people were disappointed. It’s not like I had pictures or anything. You may recall that pregnancy had a certain effect on the Dancing with the Stars co-host. People called me during the show to express their alarm. We are talking freaky-big breasts here, people.
3. “Never follow a hippie to a second location” – From the greatest episode of 30 Rock ever. I don’t understand why people would search that phrase in particular. Is there a rich history behind it? Did they hear somebody say it and not want to look ignorant as to its origins? It’s peculiar. Given that my own browser history contains “+cereal mascot +bears”, I guess I’m in no position to judge.
2. “Torgo’s Executive Powder” – From Bender’s Big Score. Oddly, I received no traffic from general searches on Bender’s Big Score. But people who wanted to find out more about that one particular joke came over by the score.

And the most popular Google Search this year:
1. “I don’t know Butchie instead” – Awesome. Nearly a third of my traffic came from searches related to John from Cincinnati, and almost 10% of my total traffic was this specific phrase. This one makes a little more sense, as the phrase appeared in almost every episode, and if you happened to miss the pilot, there was no explanation. And among us Monad-heads, it’s almost like a secret handshake.

There you go. That’s how people ended up here this year. It’s sort of disheartening, after all the work I’ve put in, to have so much traffic come from people who just want to see boobs. But somehow, the fact that one person got here by searching “Criss Angel douche” makes it all worthwhile.

Seriously, the Botanical Garden!

2007-12-27T14:31:00.001-08:00

--I saw “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, after an entire holiday season of delays. (Who knew that movie theaters closed early on Christmas Eve? And then Steak & Shake wasn’t open either. Ended up at Chili’s on Christmas Eve, in the best Ricky Bobby / Michael Scott tradition. Please note that I do, in fact, consider Chili’s to be a step down from Steak & Shake. Actually, most things are a step down from Steak & Shake)

Like most good things in life, “Walk Hard” comes from Judd Apatow, who serves as a co-writer and producer here. It’s a consistently funny, occasionally brilliant parody of music biopics, most notably “Walk the Line”.

I’m not sure when John C. Reilly got funny, but ever since “Talladega Nights”, that’s pretty much what he does. (I love his recurring role as Steve Brule on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job.) His Dewey Cox is a simple man, not unlike Ron Burgundy or Ricky Bobby. In fact, it could be a role that was written for Will Ferrell, but Reilly’s got this weatherbeaten weariness to him that really sells it. (One of the best jokes for me was that Reilly plays Dewey at age 14, and the other characters mention his age as often as possible.)

Like most Apatow productions, there’s a heart behind the craziness. Despite the insanity around him, Dewey is actually kind of believable as a character. And like most Apatow productions, there’s a ridiculous amount of comedic talent in the cast. I’ve never thought of Tim Meadows as particularly hilarious, but his half-assed attempts to keep Dewey away from drugs killed me every time. (“We’re taking uppers and downers. It’s the logical next step for you!”) Kristen Wiig and Jenna Fischer are fantastic as Dewey’s first and second wives, respectively. Jack Black and Paul Rudd have a single scene as Paul McCartney and John Lennon, and it’s everything you could hope for. Chris Parnell, who seems to be an Apatow favorite, gives his second funniest performance here. (Number one being 30 Rock’s Dr. Leo Spaceman, of course.) John Michael Higgins (better know as Attorney Wayne Jarvis and/or Mentok, the Mind Taker) gets a great bit as a radio producer. There’s such a wealth of funny available that Jack McBrayer and Ed Helms actually get wasted in tiny roles. I kind of think the Director’s Cut will be six hours long.

Some of the jokes just don’t land, which is unfortunate. Dewey’s elaborate production for his attempted comeback never gets as funny as it needs to be, for example. But that can be forgiven. For every flop, there are four or five really funny jokes, many of which involve being cut in half by a machete. And the songs are actually well done. From the Dylan parody to the midget protest song, from the innocuous song about hand-holding that somehow causes spontaneous vomiting in the crowd to the title song, “Walk Hard” rivals “A Mighty Wind” for musical hilarity. And the closing song, “Dewey Cox Died Today” is actually surprisingly pretty.

While not as aggressively perfect as “40-Year-Old Virgin” or “Knocked Up”, “Walk Hard” is a worthy addition to the Apatow canon. And because I don’t have any place else to mention it, my friend Becky met John C. Reilly at a local botanical garden. That sort of blows my mind.

--I also saw “Alien vs. Predator: Requiem”. Don’t you judge me. Swear Jar Buddy Sam was really excited about this movie, and in fact, any movie with ‘vs.’ in the title. It’s like the movie was Hollywood’s Christmas present to Sam.

Here’s the thing: I actually enjoyed this movie. The first “Alien vs. Predator” movie was a little bit low on scenes of Aliens actually fighting Predators. That’s not a problem here. In fact, the Predator fights not only regular Aliens, but also an Alien-Predator hybrid. I’m a simple man with simple tastes, I’ll admit. Still, you have to agree: That is officially awesome. I’m not a giant fan of either franchise, but it is always cool when freaky monsters tear each other apart.

Of course, the scenes with humans interacting are generally poorly-written and boring. Practically every character who lacks the good fortune to be either an Alien or a Predator is dull, two-dimensional, and unlikable. But the great part is the deep cynicism at work. Just about any character who usually gets to survive this kind of movie dies horribly. Small children, pregnant women, comic relief stoners, even the high school girl who appears to be 30. Hell, the Predator Alien runs rampant though a maternity ward! I mean, surely our heroes will manage to prevent the government from nuking the whole town at the last second. Or so you would think.

And actually, Reiko Aylesworth (my 24 girlfriend) does a pretty decent job in her role as a recently returned Iraq vet. I don’t actually remember her character’s name or anything, but at least her scenes in which things didn’t blow up were still watchable. As Sam said, “She’s got the good-natured spunk that allows her to survive a movie.”

I’m still not clear on why the Predator destroyed all the Alien bodies with freaky blue liquid. What does a Predator care about Alien corpses left behind on Earth? And the last scene is just flat-out obtuse. The very end of the movie assumes a much more intimate knowledge of the “Alien” franchise than the average moviegoer probably possesses. We actually thought that they were bringing a third franchise in at the end, and had finally settled on “Halo”. Yes, we were actually discussing, at length, the ending of “Alien vs. Predator: Requiem”. So, it’s really not that different from “No Country for Old Men”, right?

Go, Team Otto's Jacket!!!

2007-12-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love the Magic DVR Box? In one of my more shameful lapses this year, I totally forgot that Amazing Race was on, because my family was having a Christmas celebration that night. Luckily, the Magic Box doesn’t take time off for holidays, and I had a steaming cup of Race just waiting for me.

While I wish the non-elimination leg had turned up to save Azaria and Hendekea, I’m intrigued by the “Speed Bump” penalty. I hated the ‘stripping them of their money and possessions’ penalty they used in years past. Well, except for those times when a last-place team would put on every piece of clothing they owned before stepping on the mat, just in case. (Or when brothers Brian and Greg stripped to their underwear. How hilarious would it have been for them to start a leg with no money and only briefs to their name.) Last season’s time penalty was a significant improvement, but between the Speed Bump and the U-Turn replacing Yield, it seems like they’re eliminating time penalties and giving teams a more active role in their own destinies. I’m just hoping the Speed Bump isn’t right before a lengthy airport wait, rendering it meaningless.

TK and Rachel sort of remind me of Season Six’s Kris and Jon. Both teams had this really nice, completely functional relationship. This week, both TK and Rachel had big giant screw-ups, and they both got frustrated and a little bit panicked, but they were so sweet to one another the whole time, and they got back on track. Plus, they recovered from a flat tire. Of the three dating couples left in the race, TK and Rachel are the only ones who seem to even like one another. (I’ve got my fingers crossed that Vyxsin realizes what a huge mistake she’s made by the end of the race. I’m also hope that Nate and Jen stay together, just so neither of them gets to make anybody else miserable.)

For me, it was a big surprise to find out that Ronald has at least one other daughter. You would think somebody with more kids to practice on might have figured out how to be a decent father. To me, it kind of casts a new light on their relationship. I thought of him as just a butthole, but what if he’s nice to his other children and he never clicked with Cristina, and the Race is her way of forging a bond with her father? She might just be desperate for Daddy’s approval. I mean, he’s probably just a butthole, but either way, it makes me feel a little sad for Cristina. Is there any way that she and Vyxsin can form a team?

With Amazing Race as just about the only original programming I have to look forward to for the next couple of weeks, this could start to get unhealthy.

Hope your Christmas was suitably merry and your holidays were full of joy.

Late Night and Time Loops

2007-12-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

I know I signed off for the holidays, but here I am, at work on Christmas Eve. It’s inhuman, I tell ya!

--Who’s happy to see that the late night talk shows are coming back? Once again, we at the Swear Jar are 100% in support of the striking writers, however, it will be nice to see actual new episodes again.

It sounds like David Letterman’s writers are negotiating a separate contract with his production company, so he, at least, will be back to business as usual. And really, Letterman on the air is a powerful weapon for the writers. He’s the one guy that’s always going to speak from the heart on this sort of thing, and he’s the elder statesman of the group these days.

I think Conan will do all right freestyling. Conan’s really inventive and he’s good at improv. You’re not going to hear much of a monologue, but I could see him going on the streets with a camera crew on a regular basis. And this might mean more interviews with friends of his, which are always better than interviews with some schmuck who’s got a movie to pitch. He doesn’t need writers to prep an interview if he’s talking to Will Arnett or Paget Brewster.

As for Jay Leno, I don’t know. I don’t really care for his show on the best of days, but he’s a decent interviewer, and he did stand-up for about a thousand years. He’s very much in the Catskills tradition of performers, so it’s not going to be cutting-edge or particularly hilarious, but he’ll entertain your parents. There really could be jokes about airline food or his mother-in-law, but there won’t be dead air.

I don’t know how Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are going to pull it off. Both are smart, funny guys. Stewart has a stand-up background and Colbert did Second City for years, so they can fill a half-hour of air (or in Colbert’s case, ert) without breaking a sweat. Still, their shows are going to be tough. Nobody can put together a half-hour of solid political satire every night. I could see the guest correspondents playing a bigger role in The Daily Show until the strike is over. One guy can’t pull thirty clips of Dick Cheney contradicting himself every night, but he can certainly fill eight minutes of airtime by talking with Rob Riggle. I’m cautiously optimistic for Jon Stewart.

I am, however, actively worried about Stephen Colbert. Not only is his show particularly labor-intensive to write, he’s doing the whole show in character. Jon Stewart can fill a few minutes with his honest reaction to things. Stephen Colbert can’t do that. I know he’s really good at staying in character now – just look at how much better his interviews have been. But that’s going to be a tall order for him. It’s possible that he’s been stocking up on filmed “Difference Makers” and “Better Know a District” segments, which would help. And I wouldn’t mind seeing some of his comedy buddies show up for character interviews. David Cross’ left-wing radio host would be fun to see again. Get Amy Sedaris or Paul Dinello to play a character and fight with Stephen, for pete’s sake!

It’ll be interesting to see what Stewart and Colbert have to say about the strike. I can imagine Jon Stewart will let his views be know, but I don’t know if it’ll make it to air. CBS can afford to let Letterman criticize them at 11:30 before an audience of college students, bloggers, and insomniacs. Comedy Central and Paramount are unlikely to allow such criticism on their flagship show. Unless they’re more concerned with keeping Jon Stewart happy, which is a possibility. And of course, Stephen Colbert wouldn’t support organized labor anyway.

--Buddy Sam and I have been discussing the Futurama movie Bender’s Big Score. Well, ‘gushing about’ is more accurate than ‘discussing’, but you get the idea. Anyway, here’s an interesting realization that we came upon: (Spoilers, just in case you haven’t seen it yet. And if you haven’t, what’s wrong with you?) Both the Bender tattoo and the ‘Lars’ exist solely within the time loop and are not actually created at any point. The Bender tattoo is pulled off of Lars/Fry in 3007 and placed on Fry in 2000. The tattoo was never created – it’s on Fry because it was removed from Fry, sent backwards in time, and affixed to Fry. And Fry’s inspiration to adopt the Lars identity came from meeting Lars (a.k.a. his future self). He took the name and appearance of Lars because he met himself after he’d done just that.

This is not in any way a complaint. The Futurama writers are much smarter than I, so I assume that this paradox was intentional. I haven’t listened to the commentary track yet, but I’m sure David X. Cohen has a perfectly good explanation, probably one that invokes math that I will never understand. I’m really just telling you so that you can have your minds blown.

Merry Christmas! For real, this time!